My son hates being short.

[MacmillanDo]

My 14 year old son is short for his age - actually, he’s grown in the past few months but he’s still one of the smaller kids in his year.

He’s desperate to be taller and to have a girfriend and he’s sure these two things are linked.

We’ve been talking with the GP about whether we go privately and run general checks to see if he’s got delayed growth - and I suspect we will do this, even though he’s following his father’s trajectory by being v small until about 15 when he grew to about 5ft 8. I’m 5 ft 2.5

I tell him all the time that he has to love who he is, whatever size he gets to and that he’s amazing - genuinely - and handsome, funny, engaging - and will be loved etc - but I also get that this stuff is toxic for boys and he’s at a really self conscious age.

And the truth is, when you read that Tinder is bringing in height filters, I feel really sad for him - because it’s bullshit but it might really impact on his wellbeing.

i don’t know why im posting. Maybe for some advice

Tell him that the best things come in small packages.
Remind him that plenty of lovely women are short.

Get him involved in a team sports and games where height is not a factor - Soccer, Medievil Games, Brass Band, Gymnastics, Equestrian, Kayaking KX-1, Cooking and BBQ, Orienteering and Rogaining, Duke of Edinburgh Award, Surfing, Bouldering..
Help his mind be on things other than his physique, more on forming caring social relationships, survival and outdoor skills and enjoying his own company.

The last part of your post is really sad to me. Don't wish for him to be something he's no control over - can you imagine if he somehow found out you were crossing your fingers he'd grow some more? How he'd feel?

Would you, of daughters, say 'oh I do hope her boobs get bigger'?

I couldn't agree more! Who dictates these boxes we should all fit into.

Yes short men do their children a disservice by seeking women even shorter than them because this just compounds the problem for the next generation by entrenching those genes, unfortunately.

These heights are significantly lower than average for the OP’s likely age group and that of her husband. The national averages are still skewed by older people who were significantly smaller due to malnutrition etc so the average height has risen significantly over the decades.

The comments re. Filtering on dating sites are a bit silly. I mean, what is the point in people wasting time talking to someone they simply won’t find attractive? Everyone has different preferences in many ways - physical or otherwise - for dating and it’s a waste of time for both people to invest time in talking/ meeting while hiding something that fundamentally may not work for the other one. What would be the point? Dating isn’t something you can try to regulate with some kind of equal opportunities policy! OP’s son no doubt will want to find someone who loves him exactly as he is and doesn’t consider his height a drawback.

OP - he is only 14, so may just be starting his growth spurt to adult height? Perhaps he will be an outlier and become much taller than would be predicted given both of your heights, although perhaps unwise given his low height and your low height for you and your husband to marry each other if having taller children was an important thing to you!

Do you have the red book still with growth measurements from when he was small? Some reasonably accurate predictions for adult height can be made from that if you kept recording his height through his early years, assuming no other health issues and good nutrition.

If his growth has slowed significantly or isn’t following the expected path then seek medical advice. But if he’s just small because both of his parents are under-average height then that may just be the genetics you’ve passed on to him, particularly if your extended families are also generally very small people.

Do you have other small males in your family like your husband who could offer him some advice about how they coped with it, if he doesn’t want to talk to his Dad about it much?

Ultimately some girls will care about it and others won’t, so try to build his confidence and ensure he doesn’t develop “small man syndrome” and become obnoxious and resentful/ defensive about it because that will limit his dating options far more than his height. And discourage him from going for even smaller girls than him because that’ll simply make the genetic situation even worse for his own children!

My son is short and slight compared to other boys his age, he is also a bit socially awkward (neurodivergent) and pays absolutely no attention to haircuts, fashion etc. He is smart, loyal and funny though, and has a serious girlfriend now at 18.
Tell your son to focus on the things he can control, whether that's feeling good about his body via the gym, working on hobbies, having a good friend circle, achieving his goals whether they are academic, sporty etc.
Certain 'red pilled' men are convinced that women only care about finances and height but as we all know, women like nice guys with a good personality.

Yes short men do their children a disservice by seeking women even shorter than them because this just compounds the problem for the next generation by entrenching those genes, unfortunately

@InsomniacSloth compounds what problem?! It's a completely fabricated issue based on nothing at all. It's not a disability. It's not a disorder. There's no concrete evidence to even suggest height has any bearing on longevity - if anything, there's data to suggest being taller could put you at greater risk of certain illnesses.

advice on how they coped with it?? What? Coped with what? Being a bit less tall??

All these things create an issue for him & then if he 'foolishly' procreates with a diminutive woman he can pass all his insecurities on to his inevitably short son?

"Do you have the red book still with growth measurements from when he was small? Some reasonably accurate predictions for adult height can be made from that if you kept recording his height through his early years, assuming no other health issues and good nutrition"

Your response is confusing to me. I agree op should not be even worried about dating apps for her 14 year old!!

However, who is charting this stuff in terms of the red book at this age!? My DS was prem and I threw the book out! It was the same with his countless milestones he missed but eventually it caught up. He's now a very much above average height (probably genetics as you point out) but REALLY!

@MacmillanDo Please instil confidence into your son! Continue to focus on his good qualities, his humour, his social skills. He will end up the height he is meant to be, and actually ,it is meaningless in the grand scheme of adult life if he is well rounded and confident. I would avoid doctors etc as this would undermine that confidence.

He may well still have a growth spurt, which to be honest society teaches our boys to look forward to as part of puberty. It will happen at some stage but it doesn't mean it will make him as tall as he wants to be.

My above average height child recently "lost out" to a very sparky shorter chap on his girlfriend (None of this was about height, by the way, it was more just normal relationship finding on youngsters, I just don't think most people care on reality). Confidence goes a long way.

My DH is short - 5’5, give or take. He’s also extremely handsome, strong, masculine, and is a boss of over 1000 people in a male-dominated industry. I was instantly attracted to him - his height meant little to me (I’m about the same height). Other qualities are much more important in a partner.

My brother was also quite short until he was 16, then had a growth spurt and he’s now about 6’2 - so perhaps your DS’ growth is still yet to occur.

My son is shorter than all his friends and refers to himself as being short. He’s 5ft 6 at 16. The GP told him that boys generally aren’t considered to be considered adult height until 21 these days as research has shown that some boys do keep growing up to this point. It gave him some hope. According to the height calculators online his average adult height is likely to be between 5ft 8in and 5ft 10in. I guess time will tell.

I know genetics play a role but I thought they can prescribe growth hormones to boost height? Or is that only to bring on puberty. I am asking as mum of 7 year old boy who often comes home crying that he is short. Other kids bully him for it. The teacher doesn't do anything about the bullying and it breaks my heart. Am the short one in the parentage so I feel guilty.. We do tell him there is nothing wrong with being short and talk of role models that are short but it still bothers him when kids take a micky or when he can't go on certain ride based on height. My heart bleeds sometimes

I’ll also add that our DS is taller than both of of us, and our DD is the same height as he is.

@Chickensky
"Please instil confidence into your son! Continue to focus on his good qualities, his humour, his social skills. He will end up the height he is meant to be, and actually ,it is meaningless in the grand scheme of adult life if he is well rounded and confident. I would avoid doctors etc as this would undermine that confidence."
Your advice is spot on and half the time I convince my son it doesn't matter. But then on a day when a kid has pressed down on his head or called him tiny or said nasty things about his height he can't quite hear me. I tell him the greatest quality is kindness. I love him to bits and I remind him . We remind him how clever and funny and kind he is. But it's heartbreaking when it's making him so sad. Will keep working with him on his confidence

My suggestions would be

• Go ahead and see the doctor, at least to make him feel better.
• Get him out and socialising as much as possible. Clubs, sports, let him have friends round etc.
• Encourage him/dad/other male relatives to spend as much time together as possible.

Short men often do very well with women, but they rely on personality and charm which you can only build through socialising. Easier to charm the girls if you are meeting them in person too.

I’ve two different sides to this, one son’s best friend had a huge growth spurt at 16, on the other side of it another has a friend who was always small, always commenting on it and then ds said the boy just suddenly said he was fed up of worrying and thinking about it when other stuff was going on (school and just life I think). He’s now one of the chattiest lads I know. Tell your son there’s plenty of tall single boys out there, and height honestly doesn’t matter, life, work, study, fun matters.

If it's any consolation to him OP, one of my best friends is 5'2. He struggled with girls when he was younger. He's ginger and wears glasses, and is a bit of a nerd, so had a horrible time in school/uni.

In his mid 20s he married another friend of mine who is so attractive that frankly it should be illegal, or at least taxed in some way.

Joking aside, if you raise your lad to believe that superficial things don't matter, then they won't matter. School might be tough but the rest of his life will be what he makes it.

Does he enjoy sports? He could be a great scrum-half in rugby as a shorter kid. Otherwise get him to an MMA, boxing or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class. They'll do wonders for his fitness and confidence.

With MMA and BJJ in particular, there are a shortage of training partners for adult women, so having shorter teenage lads in the gym to train with can be a godsend. The lads benefit too as they're training with people of a much higher level so they pick techniques things up quicker.

I hear what you are saying and kids can be cruel. It comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. But you son does not have to be kind about kids that are treating him badly. Can he speak up for himself and is it only about his height? If so then he needs some very quick comebacks for that event at the very least.

And well done for boosting your son and being a great mum from what you've said you do with him.

They prescribe growth hormone if there is something called a SHOX deletion, which you find out via a blood test. It’s only recently been approved on the NHS I think. You’d need to be referred to the relevant person to get that done though. The primary concern of the GP for us was if puberty was starting ok, but they were very reasonable about referring on as one of my DC is small for family height, although there is quite a range between us all.
DC asked to see their GP, so of course I made an appointment. We would never, ever think or say there was anything wrong with DCs height but it would be unfair to ignore them saying they were finding it difficult.
Editing to add that at age 7 I don’t think anyone will feel you need to have any medical concerns unless he really is tiny!

Thanks. I meant I tell him people that bully dont have the best qualities because the best quality is kindness. Not that he should be kind to bullies. Some of the bullies are his "friends" so we have talked about finding new friends. That if someone intentionally hurts him or takes pleasure in making him sad then they are not friends but he doesnt have to be like them (long story short)

I’m not sure that instilling the idea that the girls and women women that aren’t/ won’t be attracted to him due to his height are ‘shallow, vapid females’ is going to encourage a healthy attitude towards women tbh. I‘m sure there are and will physical attributes in girls/women that he doesn’t and won’t find attractive, and that’s fine too. Wanting to find a potential partner physically attractive is hardly outrageous.

There will be girls and women that will be attracted to him, and others that won’t be. Equally, there will be girls and women and he won’t find attractive, and others that he will. That’s life. Is he likely to encounter rejection? Absolutely, and that’s true for everyone. What matters is how he handles it, and hopefully it will be without self hatred, and without demonizing the girls/women rejecting him.

Thanks for the info. Am not thinking of growth hormones at the moment. Partly because I think/hope he will he ok. Partly because I read somewhere potentially adverse effects. I am sure/hope he will be shorter than average if his height will be, as predicted between mine and DH's. We just have to cross bridges as they come while giving him the support.

Yes we definitely say to him something is wrong (After all for now, as far as we know its not. Its just people come in different packages as we tell him when he brings it up). I just wish kids were kinder. And that more parents worked more with their kids to be kind, to not bully. Interestingly his best friend is the tallest in the class and that boy is wonderful and kid. He is over 140cm (may be more) I think at 7 years

My friends son had similar concerns and around 16yo (I think, might have been earlier) his doctor agreed to do a scan and see if the growth plates are fused. Unfortunately his had fused and he didn’t get any taller; guess you can check for that?

I hear you and sounds like you are doing a great job. Some pp have said good things come in small packages..and that is true! You don't have to be kind to someone who is upsetting you through a personal insult and so it's ok to not be kind and stand up for yourself. It sounds like you've got this and doing a great job.

Show him videos of Rob Burrow when he was playing rugby. That man was a rocket!! 5 foot 5 and my god he used it to his advantage

there are observations that exercise (especially impact exercise), diet, overall health can affect growth.
make sure he eats well and gets enough protein.
encourage impact exercise. consider giving vit d3 and iron supplement. multi vit ifhis veg/fruit intake isn't good. let him sleep in at weekends.

but yes, some people are shorter than others. nothing wrong with that.

Some women posting on this issue are themselves giant red flags, showing an attitude to male height that is totally cringe. They really seem to think short male height is a disadadvantage or even a disability and play to the worst stereotypes. Toxic social attitudes are not built by just the blowhard criminal Tates of this world. These mothers including OP who display so much anxiety about their sons' height are themselves contributing to their sons' diminishment.