To say your child isn’t being bullied they have poor social skills

[SpaceRaiders]

DD has a “friend” within her group who is just really quite unpleasant. There’ve been no end of issues since the start, due to this child being an entitled brat. She’s recently asked DD what she’ll be buying her for her birthday, she asked for an item that costs over £100, Dd told her no. She brags and lies over very silly things and can’t stand seeing anyone get acknowledged for good work etc. She gets incredibly jealous and possessive over the girls being friends with each other. And will actively try to manipulate the girls against each other. It all quite toxic. And inevitably when she doesn’t get her way, her mum messages the other mums to step in because she’s feeling left out.

Naturally the girls are finding her intolerable. I’ve had words with the mum, I had to establish a very firm boundary with her for something unrelated. Subsequently I’ve not extended any further invites to her child outside school.

We’re all just waiting for the inevitable call from the school accusing all the girls of bullying. School will likely not manage this properly as this child is as sweet as pie in front of teachers. She’s vying to be head girl. For context she’s an only child and undiagnosed ASD.

I’m putting my hard hat on here, but ND is really no excuse for poor behaviour! And I say this as a parent of ND girls.

Honestly OP you sound very childish and unpleasant. Maybe try and take a step back?

My 11 year old DD has a 'friend' at school who is an absolute nightmare. She is controlling, manipulative, moody, and an absolute brat. When my DD tries to speak up or defend herself this child becomes the victim, and all hell breaks loose. I know all of this because my daughter confides in me. I have spoke to her teacher, and while her teacher has acted professionally, it is clear that she can see this too. My DD is not a bully and neither am I, we are calling out unacceptable behaviour, NT or not, and that's allowed! I know exactly how you feel OP. We are just holding on until the end of year 6 so this friendship can come to a natural end and we have made it clear we do not want my DD in the same class going to secondary school.

I don't blame the kids.

But YOU know there's more to it than that he is a naughty mean disruptive boy who is privileged over the other kids.

In these circumstances I would have told my children that they are the lucky ones who find it easy to make friends, follow instructions, understand rules, and manage in school. I certainly wouldn't be feeding into the idea that this child is better treated or getting special privileges when he stamps his feet. This is by your description a child who finds school and life a huge struggle.

I’m childish? I’m invested in this situation purely because my child is being impacted by this behaviour.

No you don't need to be drawn on the subject and accommodate then on anything regardless of where you live.

If the other PARENT (not child) is being a dick you shouldn't pander to them because it gives you a benefit at the expense of your child because that's you being a user because it's more convenient.

Be firm. If she doesn't stop this nonsense, you will stop engaging. If that causes a problem so be it. Deal with that as a separate issue.

Don't be held hostage to playground nonsense.

ND doesn't make you act the way this girl is. DD2 is on the spectrum but has great social skills as she masks like hell.

She sounds desperately sad and insecure. It's not your DD's job to fix that but insecurity does not go hand in hand with neurodivergence.

You’ve written a number of posts with an awful lot of detail about another child on a public forum. You’ve called her names, you’ve speculated about the causes of her behaviour, you’ve jumped the gun by moaning about a bullying complaint that hasn’t even materialised yet.

Childish and unpleasant.

I'm not describing it that way from my own perspective, I'm just saying how the kids see it in class from their perspective.

I've told my DS that the autistic child can't process emotions the same way, we have to be understanding etc but when you're a young child without life experience, you see things more black and white than us adults. That's not wrong, just life. We as adults, need to teach our kids to navigate these situations even if we can see that, sometimes, it's frustrating for them.

Not sure about this thread but...

My son has ASD and really struggling with social interactions and communication. As a result, he doesn't have any friends. Although I acknowledge he's not being bullied, it's absolutely awful to see him excluded from his classmates meet ups, birthday parties etc. He hasn't been invited to anything since class parties stopped when he was age 5/6.

We try and support him as much as we can but we can't "correct" his behaviour because it's connected to his disability. And I should clarify I don't mean bad behaviour, he is very well behaved.

It's great that your daughters' disabilities don't prevent friendships but I would expect more empathy for a young girl in this circumstance.

I think you’re confused. I haven’t speculated. It’s factual, I’ve described exact behaviours my child has dealt with. This is a parenting forum after all and I’m allowed to post about whatever child related issue I wish.

13! You didn’t think that was the relevant context, rather than the only child stuff? You really need to step back and let them figure it out themselves at this age. Tell the other mother that’s what you’re doing if she tries to contact you.

I said speculated about the causes of her behaviour. You know, the bits you described as “context”.

Anyway. I’m just saying what I see. I think you’re over invested at best and I would do as PP said and let them figure it out for themselves and tell the mother that’s what you’ll be doing.

I have absolutely no idea - but some of the responses to her comment of ‘for context she’s an only child’ strongly suggest they do.

your entire comment is the same to be honest! She didn’t armchair diagnose a damn thing. She didn’t claim being an only child made this kid unpleasant, or that being suspected ASD did - just added both as they have proven, potential impact on social interaction. Its not mean to add relevant details just because someone might not like the detail!

@Senzaunadonna God forbid I’m invested in my child’s wellbeing.

Again, how have I speculated when the parent themselves told me that her child is ASD?

Well you clearly dislike this child which I find thoroughly unsettling. She's a child.

I'd be teaching my own child different responses like seeing the funny side of a ridiculous request. I, as an adult would feel compassion towards that child. If her mother is that socially deaf then the child hasn't much chance of being any better.

You're focusing on why the mother isn't figuring out why the girl isn't settling into any one group. This is awful for the poor girl. She's trying her best, as is the mother. They aren't as socially skilled as you and your daughter. Again, they are trying their best. How awful for her to have to face her teenage years likely friendless.

You sound heartless and spiteful. You haven't once acknowledged how heart wrenching this must be for the other mum to watch uncoldm

I would be (I already do) teaching my daughter that having a group of friends is lovely but that we are all different and it's not nice to be left out. Could they develop better strategies than just leaving her out? Could they stand up for themselves and each other calmly with her?

I think you're a bit confused. Particularly about the difference between 'proven' and 'potential'. Maybe read some research.

The child doesn't have a diagnosis. The OP is armchair diagnosing her. Just as she's claiming that her being an only child is relevant 'context'.

Your child’s wellbeing hasn’t been the focus of any of your points beyond you saying she finds this other girl intolerable and then some speculation of a potential upcoming bullying complaint.

All of your posts are focusing on someone else’s child. You can’t control her. You don’t know why she behaves like she does (stop banging on about the undiagnosed ASD FFS). So what is the point of your posts?

If you are genuinely concerned for your child then your posts should be asking for support in helping her manage the relationship and situation. But I don’t see that. I see you being quite unpleasant about a 13 year old child.

I fully agree with this and that's why I voted the OP's post as YABU. Noboby has made an accusation of bullying according to OP's posts, so I don't even know what the purpose is of this thread.

My DD1 (now 16) has always struggled with friendships and didn’t have any friends for years. She’s socially unaware and always used to annoy other girls by following them around and invading their space. Now she’s found her tribe, with a small group of friends who are younger than her.

This girl needs to have it gently pointed out to her that these girls aren’t her friends and she needs to find other friends.

But none of that is the problem of the OP and her DD.

I agree with PPs that the OP is much too invested. I also don’t understand how she has as so much contact with her peers’ parents now her DD is at high school? There’s no playground pickups anymore, after all. I don’t even see my DDs’ friends’ parents now.

It's fine to prioritise your own child's wellbeing but that doesn't give you carte blanche to disregard or ride roughshod over the other child's wellbeing. Your child doesn't need to be friends with her, that's fine, but to the extent you criticise her differences to your DD or discuss the child with other parents, you're actively involved in "othering" her amongst the children and parents as someone odd and undeserving of any friendship, not just your DD's. You're harming her chances of making other friends going forward. And that's not ok, sorry. Far better just to say that the girls aren't gelling well together at the moment, so best they give each other some space.

I think it's tricky if their location means they need their parents to facilitate their social life. It sounds like this is dragging out a friendship that would be better dying a natural death so that this girl could move on and find people who are a better fit.

So what are people to do, if someone in their social group is being really unpleasant to them, @Seymour5? Do they have to keep including someone who is unkind to them?

I don't think it is a good lesson to teach children - particularly girls - that they are not allowed to draw reasonable boundaries against behaviour that hurts or upsets them. @SpaceRaiders' dd and her friends should be allowed to socialise in a group where no-one is being unkind to other group members or making them unhappy or hurt.

A lot of children find life at school a struggle and don’t find it easy to make friends, not just those with a diagnosis

Couldn't agree more with this.

You absolutely can't force friendships and should prioritise your child's wellbeing. It's fine to set boundaries with the other parent. This can be done, however, with sensitivity and understanding that this is a 13 y o girl with additional needs who is also not having an easy time. There is no need to character assassinate the poor kid and gossip about her with other parents.