To say your child isn’t being bullied they have poor social skills

[SpaceRaiders]

DD has a “friend” within her group who is just really quite unpleasant. There’ve been no end of issues since the start, due to this child being an entitled brat. She’s recently asked DD what she’ll be buying her for her birthday, she asked for an item that costs over £100, Dd told her no. She brags and lies over very silly things and can’t stand seeing anyone get acknowledged for good work etc. She gets incredibly jealous and possessive over the girls being friends with each other. And will actively try to manipulate the girls against each other. It all quite toxic. And inevitably when she doesn’t get her way, her mum messages the other mums to step in because she’s feeling left out.

Naturally the girls are finding her intolerable. I’ve had words with the mum, I had to establish a very firm boundary with her for something unrelated. Subsequently I’ve not extended any further invites to her child outside school.

We’re all just waiting for the inevitable call from the school accusing all the girls of bullying. School will likely not manage this properly as this child is as sweet as pie in front of teachers. She’s vying to be head girl. For context she’s an only child and undiagnosed ASD.

I’m putting my hard hat on here, but ND is really no excuse for poor behaviour! And I say this as a parent of ND girls.

13! I thought you were going to say 8.

if the other girls mum was asking we’d say she needs to diversify from this group. Do more interesting stuff outside school etc

it’s so normal for kids this age to outgrow and move on from friendships for any reason - social, emotional, interests, dif subjects, what music they like etc (neurodiversity, siblings is you jumping to conclusions as it could be anything at this point)

if anyone does ask you - the parent or school just say they have grown apart sadly and that’s normal

All these people piling on the OP for describing an unpleasant bullying child as just that.........as if they wouldn't be doing the same if their poppets were on the recieving end of it.

Nowhere have I said that either. I haven't said they should stay friends with this child. I have said maybe the parent writing on this board could understand that this child and her parent is in the midst of the painful realisation that her friends don't like her any more and have a modicum of compassion instead of saying "it's her fault they don't like her because she a spoilt brat".

The fact this child is suspected of being autistic could have led the OP, in my opinion, to reflect that maybe there are social communication misunderstandings behind some of this girl's behaviours which might soften OP's interpretation of the girl's personality and intentions. It doesn't mean her daughter and the wider friendship group should stay being friends. It will be best for everyone if the girl pick up on the hints her former friends are giving by quietly excluding her.

Agree with all of this, I'm AuDHD and have 2 autistic DS. Sometimes I'm glad I've not had autistic daughters, as girls can be cruel and rejecting in such an insidious way. DS have found their tribes, both centred round their interests, and a lot of their friends are ND too.

There's also a sad reality though that you can't force friendships, and that kids need to be able to say no and have boundaries if someone's behaviour is negatively affecting them, autistic or not. Being socially "off" is one thing, but the jealousy and lying, sadly I can understand why this is difficult for friends to deal with, and this is where this child needs teachers and parents to help.

It strikes me that this poor child is being failed by the adults, mostly. Her parents don't seem to be helping her navigate through the tricky waters of friendships and socialising, or ensuring that if she isn't mixing well in school, offering opportunities to socialise in other, more suitable settings. Then there are nasty people like OP judging her for being a brat, an only child and being autistic, rather than educating themselves and their children about difference. Even if you don't want to be friends with someone, you don't have to be actively mean to them, or model that nasty, bitchy, ableist behaviour to your teenage daughter, who will likely already be seeing enough bitchy behaviour among peers already.

Sounds very similar to what’s happening here. Child was used to being the brightest at primary school and is now surrounded by others who are equally bright. And frustratingly without a parent stepping in to resolve, this child is none the wiser as to why she’s jumping from one friend group to another only to ultimately be excluded.

When you have multiple parents coming to the same conclusion about one child, as a parent I’d be honestly asking myself why that is. And what’s worse is the parent is very active in a voluntary capacity at school.

Why do you engage with this woman?

You are still in the school playground. You need to grow up here too.

You say explicitly, that you aren't willing to tolerate HER behaviour - not the daughters. You are fed up of HER abuse and HER manipulative behaviour and HER emotional blackmail. You make a point that you are not willing to engage further with the matter and if she wishes to, she can take it up with the school. And block. Job done.

The school won't tell the kids they have to be friends. They are thirteen. The kids just need to say what's happening and how she's trying to extort expensive presents and how they have no desire to be friends with her due to her behaviour. They have to be civil and not bully her, but that doesn't mean they have to be friends with her. If they don't want to invite her to anything outside school, they don't have to.

And you back up your kid with the school. Keep a diary of need be. Screenshot messages etc. Make a point of telling your child to be civil throughout precisely so she can't be accused of being a bully.

But overall disengage with the shit stirring, drama loving mother. What's she going to do? Tell everyone how horrible you are? I'm sure everyone else can work out what going on for themselves.

I am very much of the view that children dont have to be friends with people they don't get on with, they just need to not be mean about it. Which means no messaging each other about how horrid they find the person or sitting gossiping about the fact they did something.

But, I do think that as asd is social communication disorder - it's not fair to assign loads of negative motives to things they say and do or look at thier communication through a NT lens. That doesn't mean your children have to put up with it, or be the teacher though. But if you say asking for a £100 gift is entitled it is very negative, compared to they dont understand the convention here.

It's also not fair to say they should just be corrected as if its a tell them once situation. it takes years and years or learning to get there for some with autism and some never get there.

You're not necessarily wrong, OP, but your attitude is a bit of an issue here.

This child exists and she is in your child's social circles. As an adult, you have a responsibility for the atmosphere and attitudes that you and the other adults create for the children in those circles.

Your DD should not be expected to spend time with this child to her own detriment - and she needs to be your priority - but if you are discussing this child with other parents or contributing to her being "demonised" or excluded in any way, shame on you. That's not how grown-ups should behave. It's sufficient to say "I think my DD needs a bit of space from this friendship at the moment", and leave it at that, being as kind and supportive to the child and her mother as you personally can be, while still setting your own boundaries. They are struggling and some compassion is called for. Children develop at different rates, and friendships ebb and flow. Maybe think about how you would want your DD to be treated if she had fallen out of her friendship group, and go from there. I imagine at the very least you'd want to know that other parents weren't discussing her meanly while you helped her to branch out socially.

You shouldn't be discussing this child with other parents.

Also you're sabotaging this child and shooting yourself in the foot here. The happiest outcome in this situation is that she makes other friends and gradually moves away from your DD's social group. Having an unhappy, socially isolated child who everyone thinks it's open season on to ignore and belittle hanging round school for the next few years is in no one's interests, quite apart from the consequences for the girl herself.

Some level of parental input is still necessary when you live out in the sticks with no public transport. We need to coordinate pick ups and drop offs, but beyond that the girls are starting to organise their own social stuff.

Very valid points that I’ll take on board on some of the more measured responses. I didn’t intend to start a bun fight over only children, I’ll leave that one there!

This is anonymous forum, I’ve discussed the child’s behaviour objectively. I’m not demonising her for things that she hasn’t been taught and certainly any conversations that have been had have been discreet. And I agree with pp, she’s being let down horribly, teen girls are brutal, even in a school like ours with a large percentage of ASD children.

I wouldn't say calling a child an "entitled brat" and saying she's jealous because she isn't the clever one any more being very objective.

Every single school my children have attended they’re have been one or two children who have been the topic of conversation. Usually for some kind of disruptive behaviour. It’s comes up in passing, this isn’t some kind of vendetta aimed at a child!

You'd do better to shut down these conversations or just be vague about X and your child "not seeing eye-to-eye" at the moment. You need to protect your child's boundaries, yes, but discussing children with other parents isn't really on and is harmful to that child. Children are constantly changing and developing so best to avoid labelling them

This might come back to bite you in the bottom because if this sort of behaviour is normalised in your social circles, your child could easily become the victim of it if suddenly her face doesn't "fit" with the in crowd.

Far better if actually you all set some standards for yourselves and don't have unpleasant conversations about certain children.

If the ASD is undiagnosed, how do you know she has it???

Wow people get triggered over comments about only children. The level of defensiveness is off the charts. Does everyone with an only child feel really guilty or something?

Also is no-one allowed any agency nowadays? unless they’re doing something positive (which is obviously down to them), where’s as anything negative is automatically an ND issue and not their fault.

There are people who are unpleasant and do unpleasant things. I certainly remember ‘this girl’ from school - and I’m sorrry but the ability to be nice as pie to adults and then horrible to her peers suggests her social skills aren’t the issue to me……

There was a girl like this at my DD's school, shortly afterwards her parents were divorced (badly). I felt quite sorry for feeling so annoyed with her, I suspect the problems at home were causing a lot of it.

Edit: She was not an only.

But sometimes, kids just can't be arsed with the hassle. They're young and still learning about the world.

The autistic kid in my sons Y6 class is violent, screams and kicks off every time he doesn't get his own way or just doesn't want to do the work. The kids in the class are fed up of the drama, disruption and seeing the teachers give in to this behaviour. He's just been given a main part in the school play without an audition and it's really upset all 29 other kids, how is that fair? What does that teach the autistic child? Stamp your feet and get your way! What does this teach the ND kids? Put the work in for nothing. Neither are good lessons here.

So when the non ND kids get the hump with this behaviour and the fact they've been overlooked yet again, it's not surprising there will be animosity so rather than escalate that, it's just easier to stay away from what you simply see as the problem. Sometimes, it is as black and white as that.

Why would the parent of an only child feel in any way 'guilty'? Probably they are annoyed with the OP stereotyping the problematic child as an only who is lacking in social skills, just as she seems to have armchair-diagnosed her as having some condition affecting her social skills.

The mum told me. I have ASD girls.

Yes, you are right. autistic children are wildly privileged over the poor neurotypical children. Poor NTs getting overlooked constantly in this education system that is designed for NT children and curriculum set up for the learning norms of able NT children, in classrooms of the size, lighting and organisation that NT kids can manage in sensory terms, and in groupings where the vast majority of their peers are also NT.

These autistic kids just need to learn that occasionally, they can't have everything handed to them on a plate and they need to think of the poor NTs.

If I had to put money on who’s a bully here, I’d say it’s your child, mainly driven by you. Based on the fact that you sound like an absolute dick. The level of detail suggests an awful lot of bitching. If this situation is real, don’t defend yourself with what you’ve written here.

Personally I don't think any good comes from a group of parents getting together to discuss another child's bad behaviour. I would really try to just focus on your own child's needs and what your child is doing here.

There's always one child like this in a year group, one who is surrounded by drama. If it's any consolation IME the children do eventually sort these things out themselves as they get a bit older.

Not really what I said though is it?

Yes, allowances need to be made but after 7 years of seeing 1 child's needs put before others, the class of children are fed up and this school play issue has really upset them.

Throughout the years, the children have seen what they consider "bad behaviour" rewarded, that is going to cause animosity regardless of whether it is right or wrong.

You're a bully. I'd put my money on you. What a horrible thing to say.