To say your child isn’t being bullied they have poor social skills

[SpaceRaiders]

DD has a “friend” within her group who is just really quite unpleasant. There’ve been no end of issues since the start, due to this child being an entitled brat. She’s recently asked DD what she’ll be buying her for her birthday, she asked for an item that costs over £100, Dd told her no. She brags and lies over very silly things and can’t stand seeing anyone get acknowledged for good work etc. She gets incredibly jealous and possessive over the girls being friends with each other. And will actively try to manipulate the girls against each other. It all quite toxic. And inevitably when she doesn’t get her way, her mum messages the other mums to step in because she’s feeling left out.

Naturally the girls are finding her intolerable. I’ve had words with the mum, I had to establish a very firm boundary with her for something unrelated. Subsequently I’ve not extended any further invites to her child outside school.

We’re all just waiting for the inevitable call from the school accusing all the girls of bullying. School will likely not manage this properly as this child is as sweet as pie in front of teachers. She’s vying to be head girl. For context she’s an only child and undiagnosed ASD.

I’m putting my hard hat on here, but ND is really no excuse for poor behaviour! And I say this as a parent of ND girls.

How does her being an only child provide context? Unless you believe all only children lack social skills I don’t see how it’s relevant.

Was with you til the last comment

Yeah quite offensive to reference only children and ASD. Autistic children are more likely to be bullied. How old are these children? You do sound quite unpleasant about a child.

MN Bingo

only child = selfish monster - tick

undisgnosed ASD - tick (if it’s undiagnosed, how do you know?)

ND not an excuse for poor behaviour - tick (of course it is! It’s literally a disability re social and communication skills!)

I have a similar situation but without the ASD. Funnily enough the mum cannot see her child is a deeply unhappy bully. I had to stop play dates. Mum keeps saying that her daughter is being bullied. It’s not true; her daughter says incredibly hurtful things to the other girls, I know as I’ve heard her!

those on the autistic spectrum have a communication and interaction need which means they find social interactions much harder.

the girls are not bullying, from what you’ve said. But you are at risk of being considered to be bullying a child with additional needs with your attitude.

I'm unclear what your AIBU is.
You've mentioned putting in boundaries with the mother, so I'm sure you can do something again.
A post detailing how much you dislike a particular child is somewhat unnecessary and unpleasant.

How do you know all this though?

Do you sit in class all day with them?

How old are they?

OP I remember the same in my school, she was just a spoilt brat who always complained about being bullied but was actually the bully and made life a nightmare for everyone else. Either way it's not you or your daughters responsibility to fix. There comes a point when it doesnt matter what the excuse for the social issues/nastiness is, even if that is autism, you just need to protect your daughter. So I'd make it very clear to the school and parent if needs be that your children wont be bullied anymore.

I agree that autism etc maybe be difficult or impossible for the child but that doesnt mean your child has to be impacted negatively by it.

She’s 13.

I knew the hard hat was necessary! All children have the ability to behave badly ND or not. I mentioned she’s an only because naturally she’d have less opportunities to socialise.

I know she’s ASD because mum told me. And having gone through the diagnostic process twice, I can see the traits myself. My issue is the parent takes no steps to help resolve these issues, I’ve seen it first hand. And the moment the child is pulled up on behaviour it’s excused.

3 boys on the spectrum here and we do not tolerate bad behaviour. I agree. No excuse.

Did we read the same post!? What a ridiculous thing to say.

The girl's lying and overstepping are indicators of her insecurity and lack of social skills.

She's struggling, her mum is supporting her the best she knows how, and the school will probably be aware. You could try being a little more understanding

i doubt the school will accuse anyone of bullying unless a lot more has happened. Just tell your dd to remain calm, friendly and polite while maintaining her own boundaries

Why do only children have 'less opportunity to socialise', exactly? Interacting with siblings is just that, there's a lot more to socialising than having siblings.

Exactly. I honestly don’t know why this is such a controversial take. Not correcting a ASD child does them absolutely no favours.

I’ve actually seen a very similar situation in practice, it’s true that some children are badly behaved for whatever reason (bad parenting/social skills/ the child themself being a bully) and the child and parents say it’s bullying. In the situation I’ve seen it’s absolutely not bullying, it’s children not wanting to hang out with a bully.

I always feel bad for children that become bullies, it’s often not their fault. But that doesn’t mean other children should sacrifice their own lives to retrain the bully.

At 13 I’d have thought you and the other parents would be taking a step back and alow the teens to manage their friendships themselves.
calling her a brat is a bit mean-girl of you, grim tbh

@MrsEmmelinePankhurst No, it's not an excuse. I'm ND and manage to behave myself. There's a difference between not being great in social situations and just being a dick.

So what you're saying here is, the parent is the problem, and you're being unnecessarily mean and ableist about a child who isn't being taught any different.

If she does have ASD then she will be very black and white and literal. Her asking for an £100 present may not have been entitlement but rather a

“what do you want for your birthday”

“I want X”.

And being an only child is irrelevant to being ND.

It’s the type of crap I heard about why ds had poor social communication and turned out I was right and he has asd.

The school shouldn’t accuse kids of bullying based on them saying no to bad behaviour or unreasonable demands. They should be supporting this young girl to develop the social skills she’s lacking.

Being a “brat” and being autistic are not the same thing. You of course could be both but one doesn’t cause the other.

Well you’d think so! Only mum is upset that her child isn’t being invited, so has started telling other parents that her child is being excluded. She’s actively asks is X being invited. Or she’ll arrange activities but ours would rather not go. It’s so awkward.

Don't tell her what you're arranging.
Tell her you can't make things she's arranging.
Or, maybe just try to include the child every now and then.

I mentioned she’s an only because naturally she’d have less opportunities to socialise

She’s 13 - has she been kept in a box the whole time? I know a fair few families with only children and they all have made sure their kids have plenty of social opportunities and as such the only children are usually more socially skilled and confident than those with siblings. Children with siblings can get lazy with socialising as they tend to rely on their siblings if they are close in age.

In this case it sounds like the child is deeply unhappy and acting out, but I doubt that this has anything to do with her being an only child.