To say your child isn’t being bullied they have poor social skills

[SpaceRaiders]

DD has a “friend” within her group who is just really quite unpleasant. There’ve been no end of issues since the start, due to this child being an entitled brat. She’s recently asked DD what she’ll be buying her for her birthday, she asked for an item that costs over £100, Dd told her no. She brags and lies over very silly things and can’t stand seeing anyone get acknowledged for good work etc. She gets incredibly jealous and possessive over the girls being friends with each other. And will actively try to manipulate the girls against each other. It all quite toxic. And inevitably when she doesn’t get her way, her mum messages the other mums to step in because she’s feeling left out.

Naturally the girls are finding her intolerable. I’ve had words with the mum, I had to establish a very firm boundary with her for something unrelated. Subsequently I’ve not extended any further invites to her child outside school.

We’re all just waiting for the inevitable call from the school accusing all the girls of bullying. School will likely not manage this properly as this child is as sweet as pie in front of teachers. She’s vying to be head girl. For context she’s an only child and undiagnosed ASD.

I’m putting my hard hat on here, but ND is really no excuse for poor behaviour! And I say this as a parent of ND girls.

You sound overinvolved and unkind. Sorry, I don’t usually say things like that on here, but the way you talk about the girl and present yourself and the other parents as the victims of the “inevitable” contact from the school sounds toxic.

Suggest you withdraw, teach your daughter to be kind, avoid drama and as much as possible be tolerant of others, especially when they are clearly anxious and struggling. And tell the other mum you’re trying to stay out if your daughters business

Well, a DC with asd and poor social skills is hardly news. I don't think that means it's ok to socially exclude them, it's still bullying.

If her social skills are so poor, how is she managing to maintain a charming front in front of teachers that they can't see through? It doesn't really square up.

I wonder if the teachers are able to see her behaviour differently? What a child may see as "intolerable behaviour" may just be difference.

I would say that you could help educate your dc about neurodisability. I wonder if they might see their peer's behaviour differently with a bit more understanding?

Of course being Neurodivergent isn't an excuse for poor behaviour.
And, hopefully, you've raised your daughter to know she doesn't have to accept bad behaviour from anyone, so she doesn't have to be friends with this girl.
And, you don't owe the Mother any explanation, so don't need to take her calls/engage with her.
🤷🏼‍♀️

This, all the 'be kind' 'tell your dc they must accept and welcome poor behaviours that make them unhappy from others or they are horrible' is just ridiculous!

Perhaps, if the child is managing to be lovely in front of everyone else… then she doesn’t actually have ASD? Seeing as she is ‘undiagnosed‘

Why can't only children socialise.
My mother was an only and played with her cousins and had lots of schoolfriends.

I am an only and have lots of friends, played with neighbours, brownies, pony club, etc. Admittedly I was a quiet rather than a rough and tumble child.

DH is one of three. His sisters are downright unsociable.

We had exactly the same situation at primary school - could have written your post. In fact I think you described the same girl!

And of course the bullying accusations came. Her mum went nuclear and none of it was true.

We ended up having to get police involved as the mum was targeting our children too.

Very nasty and very unnecessary.

So me choosing to have one child or having a miracle baby and not being able to have another somehow makes me a lesser parent than you with your multiple kids??

Don't be so fucking rude about (only) children and your stigmas.

You appear to be putting the cart before the horse. As yet, no one has accused your DD of bullying and the school has not yet believed anything untrue about her. If accusations are made, provided your DD has not bullied the girl, there will be no evidence to show otherwise so you can defend her then.

My daughter is 13 and I don't think I've arranged a single thing with her friends since she started secondary, she arranges it herself with them. Who is the mum even talking to?! I don't have any contact with my daughter's friends parents.

Kindness with boundaries is what we taught our dd. So she should not be mean in the face of lying/manipulating/mean behaviour but she shouldn’t let the other girl walk all over her. I did role plays on assertiveness. Seems to have worked and the girls are friends now. It probably helped that the other girl’s mum didn’t make bullying accusations.

She’s not told things are being arranged. That would be really unkind. But occasionally it slips out mid conversation between the girls and she then messages asking why X wasn’t included.

I’ve already been accused. All kinds of gossip being spread amongst the other parents because X wasn’t invited to a 13th birthday which never actually took place. It all very juvenile. I thought we’d have left all this behind in primary school!

So, she is told.

Never mind the kids but OP you do sound like a bit of a bully and a bit of a know-all.

We have similar with a girl - theres lying (she told the group dd said something she didnt) and pushing others out. But also seems to stem from jealousy issue - just when another friend had their birthday so their party became all about this drama..! Hugely selfish. My dd is also very clever - coming out better on maths and languages but the other girl is competitive

I dont think some parents see their kids honestly - they blame others and yes claim bullying. Thing is whi lst technically the girl won and got what she wanted - everyone knows what she is like and dont trust her now..
My dd has asd and does have social issues - cant talk to anyone, made no new friends. So this has really affected her.

I think a factor for asd girls maybe that they are part of a group but they dont see that other girls are closer friends and perhaps dont want less close girls hanging with them. But the asd girls cant see how to go from periphery of a group to main person.
This has happened to me a few times (antenatal group/university etc).

There is a large difference in maturity with dd and her other asd friend. They are more like y5 or y6 kids trying to be friends with kids like 4 years older

I was with you until the fuckwittery about this kid being an only child. Yabvu for perpetuating ignorant stereotypes.

Thank you, that’s appreciated!

It's not wrong to withdraw from someone that's behaving badly towards you even if the other person does perceive it as being excluded.

It sounds like this girl needs real guidance and support with social interactions. I've never been convinced that forcing their company on unwilling peers is a substitute for this.

I absolutely agree it sounds like poor social skills! However, I wouldn't say that to the parent.

Tbh I wonder why you're even in contact at all? The kids are 13, if they aren't friends then why are you still all messaging. I thought that whatsapp chats sort of dissipated after primary school.

Just block the Mum; if school call you - tell them straight what you think/have found.

People who are ND arnt all the same. She might NOT be able to help her behaviours.

Would you say that a non-verbal ND child is just being naughty and needs to behave just because look! Another kid, with the same diagnosis, is verbal!?

Same bloody thing. Autism is a spectrum. People are impacted differently.

This girl needs support and understanding. Not from your children, that's true, it's not their responsibility to fix or even bear it - but she certainly doesn't need her peers parents making things worse by proudly agreeing that the girl is unpleasant.

Your children will bully her if you keep focusing on her unpleasantness. Perhaps they truly already are... You certainly wouldn't be told about it by the kids, and they'd be dead pleased you seem to be giving them ready made excuses and justifying it.

Your kids don't need to be friends with her. The girl needs support. You need to be better.

Only children have fewer opportunities to socialize do they?
I was an only. In clubs every day, played with the neighbors kids, and friends’ children and Sunday School. Oh and school.
My cousins (2 siblings) did nothing but school and home. Who was more socialised?
You are way too invested in your teenager’s friendships.

For context she’s an only child and undiagnosed ASD.

Why did you give this "context"? 😒

'Undiagnosed' ASD is meaningless. Unqualified people are constantly banding it around these days.

And being an only child is not 'context' either, having poor social skills is nothing to do with being an only child or not.

Dd is an only and had better social skills than I did at her age!

But that aside, these things are always difficult OP. Honestly at this age you’re better just staying out of it as far as possible. Tell the other mum you’re letting them deal with it amongst themselves if she approaches you again.

With the mum I think you need a teenage version of that neutral statement "they aren't really getting on at the moment" whilst making it clear that your DD is old enough to manage her own friendships.