SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

[Jjye]

DP is very successful, earns well (over 100k) with scope to earn much more in future too. He has no family wealth. I earn ok (85k) and do have some family wealth ie I already own a home with no mortgage, often am gifted 1k every few months. We are not married as I wanted to keep finances separate and was in no need to tie myself to DP in that way. I would consider marriage in future perhaps.

We had dd accidentally a year into the relationship. She’s now 3. DP often says we could move to a location where he can earn more more quickly and in doing so I could work if I wanted to or just stay at home and have the time to myself and we could have another dc. I was adamant I didn’t want this sort of set up even though I would like another dc.

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it. I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum. Probably ttc in a few months.

I know nobody can answer this for me but has anyone regretted doing this? We can live off dp’s income but it feels odd to give up my income as I can earn well. I was wildly independent when I met DP.

No. Remain financially independent, use your skills and set your child an example.

absolutely not! crazy idea.

Is he willing to get married?

Because a SAHM to two small kids who has moved somewhere solely to benefit her boyfriend’s career and pension will be in a vulnerable position.

What’s your plan if you break up?

In a heartbeat but like you, I loved being a SAHM (went back to work part time when youngest started infants school).

I would remain financially independent. Worst case maybe drop to a 4 day week. This site is full of women who have given up their independence for a man to shit all over them in the future. Its great you have your own house but that's not enough to give up work, money, choice etc.

What if you break up, or he becomes ill and can’t work?

How easy will it be for you to get back into your career after a break? If it's easy I'd go for it, but I'd want a written agreement that your partner will pay into your pension and transfer you half his salary every month (or something between half your salary and half his). If he doesn't agree to this he is not prepared for you both to take an equal financial hit and wants you to make a greater sacrifice than he is prepared to.

It would be silly when you aren’t married. And on what planet is 85k just an ‘ok’ salary? Particularly with your mortgage free house, wealth and regular 1k gifts.

@ToKittyornottoKitty I was trying to be polite and not sound like a dick!

And yes, if you break up he'll be able to prevent you moving away with the kids so make sure you can resume your career in that location.

Could you go part time at work?

You’re in a great position with a mortgage-free house, but I’d be wary of struggling to get back into the job market years in the future (depends on what you do). If you’re well off enough as a family for you never to need to go back, that’s a different story.

I wouldn’t leave a well-paid job entirely if I thought I’d need another maternity leave soon 😂

I’d also be conscious of my pension. Would your DP or family be putting money into your pension if you were a SAHM?

Agree with caution re: marriage if you’re currently the financially stronger party - it’s a tricky one!

Would DP be happy to pay for nursery while you’re a SAHM?

ETA: how much more than £100k does DP earn for you to call £85k “ok”? 😂

Stay wild! @Jjye

You only have to look at the legions of threads on here where women are confined for choice by any situation which creates any financial imbalance.

Ok, you loved your one month sabbatical, you may, however, find that the reality of full-time SAHM to be significantly different?

eta; this site

You lost me at 85k being an ok wage. That's a wage millions of people could only dream of, never mind dismiss it as ok

What's the location? Is it in another country where you could end up unable to bring the kids back to the UK if you split? (which can be a big problem in some countries).

@PumpkinSparkleFairy he has said he will pay for nursery 2-3 days a week so I am able to have free time.

I am due to inherit around 700k but obviously there are lots of variables to that and it’s not guaranteed.

@BallerinaRadio i was trying to be polite and not sound like a dick.

Nope, not a chance.

It wouldn’t have been impolite to not imply your money is just ok, instead you sounded a little tone deaf. However regardless of the wording, I still think without the security of marriage when you’ve always kept separate finances it’d be a bad move to be a SAHM. Reducing your hours sounds like a good compromise though.

Absolutely not without being married.

If married, it depends:

will you enjoy SAHM in a different location ? A sabbatical with friends around is very different from long term SAHM where you know nobody.

what happens if you hate it and want to come home?

what happens if you split?

can you easily get back into your career? Any chance of working out there?

So you could have said I earn a v good wage of 85K. That would’ve been less dickish. 🤣

No. Especially not as you aren’t married. Keep working and make sure your pension is taken care of.

Keep your job op. Life throws unexpected things at us sometimes and we're all only a couple of events away from something negatively life changing.

Why on earth would you even?! Keep yourself independent and in the game!

I never regretted the 5 years I spent as aa SAHM - it was a joy.

You have financial security in the form of a major asset - your home - and presumably have skills that could come back into play for a career once the children are at school.

So - if it is what you want - then do it.

There is more than one sort of work. Looking after your chidlren is one; pursuing a career outside the home is another.

Women's Lib fought for your right to make that choice.