SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

[Jjye]

DP is very successful, earns well (over 100k) with scope to earn much more in future too. He has no family wealth. I earn ok (85k) and do have some family wealth ie I already own a home with no mortgage, often am gifted 1k every few months. We are not married as I wanted to keep finances separate and was in no need to tie myself to DP in that way. I would consider marriage in future perhaps.

We had dd accidentally a year into the relationship. She’s now 3. DP often says we could move to a location where he can earn more more quickly and in doing so I could work if I wanted to or just stay at home and have the time to myself and we could have another dc. I was adamant I didn’t want this sort of set up even though I would like another dc.

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it. I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum. Probably ttc in a few months.

I know nobody can answer this for me but has anyone regretted doing this? We can live off dp’s income but it feels odd to give up my income as I can earn well. I was wildly independent when I met DP.

If you work, you are not a SAHM.

Do the mat leave with number 2 and see how you feel at the end of that. You might feel ready to return to work.

The massive factors in this scenario are what is meant by "can earn more" as the answers may be different if it's an extra 100k (so only 15k more than your current joint earnings) or if it's an extra 500k.

Also the location is absolutely key. Moving to London is vastly different to moving to the Middle East

You could be a SAHM. Rent out your mortgage free home and there is your income. If you are due to inherit a lump of cash then you'll have interest from that too.

If you decide to get married, I would definitely insist on a pre-nup and I would ringfence the future inheritance so that would remain yours.

This a billion times!! Family Law practicioner here.

£85k is “earning okay”? Mn is fascinating.

Not sure why people are advising OP to get married. She’s the one with the assets. Spousal maintenance isn’t a given at £100k salary

OP, I was a SAHM for 5 years (and loved it) then came back to work (my job before involved ridiculous hours and no possibility of part time, so it was all or nothing). It probably took me a little longer to get back in than if I hadn’t had a break but not by much.

MN is very down on SAHMs and assumes that women will always benefit from marriage. This isn’t true. You need to take the decision based on your own circumstances and preferences. Also look around in your work and think about routes back in if you decided that down the line.

It all depends on how easily you can get back into the workplace if you need/want to. Don't leave yourself with no options. 700k eventually is not something to bank on. With any luck, you won't see that until your children are middle-aged adults.
Being a sahm is nice for a while but it can become tedious very quickly. If you enjoy your job, you'll find that you'll start to miss it after a year - especially the social interaction. You'll also find that your partner's expectations around the home and childcare will increase dramatically. If you can derive daily satisfaction from keeping a home clean, cooking dinners, doing the shopping and always being the one up in the night with a crying child, then maybe being a sahm is for you.
I'm on a career break to be a sahm at the mo and I find it a bit crap if I'm honest.
I have a few million coming to me someday but I'm hoping I won't see it until retirement age and definitely don't see it as a safety net for now.

I would! But I’d make some plans to make sure I’d not lose out if we split. Make sure you’re happy with the location as it you
split you won’t just be able to move back. Make sure to keep your own money and keep up to date some how with your industry (bit of freelance, a course, plan to do part time in a few years).

You're not a SAHM, you work part time!!

This is a really good point.

Some people don't find a SAHP attractive (regardless of gender). If you fell in love with a career woman it can be tough when they lose something that attracted you to them.

The OP is giving me the impression she worries marriage and SAH is going to open up the shared finances conversation, giving her DH access to her wealth. Seems to be often overlooked by the "family money" brigade. If he's sharing the fruits of his career she should share the rental income and subsequent inheritance

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it.

That’s hardly the typical day of a sahm though.

OP, no I would not.
Circumstances change.
Don't give up a well paid career.
Not wise.

What about a pension?
700k a possibility, but not a certainty?
Nope.
Too many relationships fall apart with young children and married women bitterly regret giving up their careers.

Look at the CMS calculator to see what you would get from him if things went tits up between you too.

Would it even go near nursery costs so you could try and return to work?

Be clever. Look at the bigger picture.
Don't be short term foolish, long term bitterly regretful.

@RoachFish and @Ally886

are we really defining ourselves by our employment status, in the 21st century? smh 😞

In your shoes, I’d TTC, enjoy your maternity leave if and when it comes and then go back to work part time.

I'd be down to being a sahm if my husband would top up my pension and add money to my personal savings the same amount he does to his. And then rest of the money was completely joined.

You will hear two very entrenched viewpoints, and quite judgmental ines at that, so take care to make the decision that’s right for you and your family. I was a SAHM for ten years. I do not regret it. I couldn’t cope with working as well (I’m a lawyer) as well as parenting the way I wanted. Lots of mums can, but I couldn’t. But it does erode your independance; people do look down on you, financial decisions start to have DH with casting vote because he was the earner. I went back when sons were 11 and 13 and that was also (for me) the right thing to do.

If you read my post properly you would have seen that there was more to it than employment status. But yes, plenty of people still value a partner with a career and they find that stimulating in one way or another. The bigger issue is that OPs life will change and shrink if she stops working and moves away to somewhere she doesn't know anyone. I did it myself: gave up work, moved to a new country, fell pregnant and didn't work for a year and a half. I wasn't the same vibrant person I was before and I certainly wasn't as interesting to be around because my world consisted of my husband and baby. It's one risk that people perhaps don't think of as the financial risk is so obvious, but losing independence in generally is seldom good for anyone.

Do what feel right. The good thing with your situation is that you have money. That gives you choices! All I’d say is that if you do do it, then make sure you’ll be ok if there’s a split or if you simply change your mind. Personally if your career allows it then I’d keep my hand in part time x

I was a SAHM for 9 years. I set my children a good example, both as a worker (now) and as a parent (then). The risk is to finances and indeoendance, and employability afterwards - all valid points. But it’s horrid so many people are so judgy - it’s a personal decision how you want to parent, within the context of affordability and all the above.

If not married, not on your life. Even then I would think carefully. I retained my career and salary and I was married. My Career helped me through when my husband left me, while i did get child support and some house money, it was a battle. The fact that I was financially independent meant i didnt have to put up with his crappy behaviour and it didnt matter that he dragged things out and was difficult. I hate to think what it would have been like with out it, and not just financially. My career and my pride in it was a big part in my recovery. Think very carefully before you give up a big part of you. And in no circumstances do it while you are not married.

This is what I was thinking.

What does 'due to inherit' mean? Person already died, waiting for probate and a few details to be negotiated is one thing. People still living with no certainty about future care costs or any other decisions - don't count on an inheritance.

Loving one month at home with your dc could feel very different from full time SAHM. During a one month stint your dp would have continued to take wahtever role they had in parenting and household tasks. In a long-term arrangement there may well be an expectation that you take on a much more significant proportion. All night wakings for the new baby (because you don't work). Much larger share of domestic responsibilities (because you don't work). Responsibility for life admin - all family dental appointments, all school events, all planning... (because you don;t work). Even if you are wealthy enough to outsource some tasks, it might still be your responsibility to oversee.

On a personal level I found SAHM my self-esteem was entirely linked to how well (or otherwise) things were going at home. Terrible twos and my esteem was rock bottom. With outside employment I had a more balanced view of what constituted a good day or a good month.

I have just re-read your original post @RoachFish, purely because I wanted to ensure that I was being totally fair in my assessment.

You said

"Bear in mind that to your DP you will be a different person

Being with someone who was capable of being on his level career wise was probably quite important to him

your world will become very small

he will find you less interesting

you will be desperate for his company"

I understand that this "may" have been your lived experience?

Reducing a woman to what a man may think of her because of how she would prefer to live her life, is quite frankly, outrageous.

Do you really believe, what you've actually written?

I did it, albeit because i adopted children with additional needs. Loads of women do it. It's your life. Do what you think is right for you and your family. Sign up for carer credits so your NI will be paid. https://www.gov.uk/carers-credit