SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

[Jjye]

DP is very successful, earns well (over 100k) with scope to earn much more in future too. He has no family wealth. I earn ok (85k) and do have some family wealth ie I already own a home with no mortgage, often am gifted 1k every few months. We are not married as I wanted to keep finances separate and was in no need to tie myself to DP in that way. I would consider marriage in future perhaps.

We had dd accidentally a year into the relationship. She’s now 3. DP often says we could move to a location where he can earn more more quickly and in doing so I could work if I wanted to or just stay at home and have the time to myself and we could have another dc. I was adamant I didn’t want this sort of set up even though I would like another dc.

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it. I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum. Probably ttc in a few months.

I know nobody can answer this for me but has anyone regretted doing this? We can live off dp’s income but it feels odd to give up my income as I can earn well. I was wildly independent when I met DP.

@Arran2024 is this the correct thread?

I would get married at my first step

Drop to 2 days a week at work, once you come put it is notoriously difficult to get back to your previous career at the same level. It gives you freedom, flexibility and still that independence that you should definitely keep.

I am not reducing anyone but going from a career woman (because I think she probably is one to make that sort of money) who is independently wealthy to a SAHM relying on her DP to pay the bills is life changing and in my experience driven women rarely thrive in that situation. I met plenty of them as an expat. It's not all about how her DP will view her, it's actually more about OP losing her identity and that identity is the one that her DP happened to fall in love with. There is very little intellectual stimulation in looking after babies and toddlers after all even if it is enriching in other ways.

It's fine that we have different opinions on this, but nevertheless OP is taking a big risk by moving herself away from her area to further her DPs career and giving up her life as she has known it until now.

Unmarried, definitely not

Why when she's currently the one of them with assets?

I actually think this is sadly true for some men.
I have definitely heard of similar whining from a type of man whose ego was flattered by being with a high achieving woman.

It certainly isn't all men, but its disingenuous to not believe that some men use this as an excuse as to why they wandered🙄

Don’t ask on Mumsnet, OP! There are far too many women here who sneer at other women who choose to be a SAHM. It’s not seen as ‘real’ job and looked down on by far too many women here. Yes, think about going back to work, pension, etc, but if you want to do it, then do it!

I was a SAHM and loved it. I’d have hated to miss out on those early years and my DC benefited from it. If you’re wanting to have a second child, it’s a no-brainer to be a SAHM in my opinion. Go for it - and also, know that being a SAHP is setting just as good an example to your DC as having a salaried job, contrary to the sneers here.

@RoachFish

"giving up her life" She's not though, is she?

She's making an informed, intelligent decision, that's right for her.

"I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum.

Probably ttc in a few months."

She is not beholden wrt finances.

Bottom line @RoachFish we can agree to disagree, for me though, @Jjye is in a powerful, purely autonomous position.

In a family with children and a committed relationship I don’t understand his and her money

Don’t understand (i.e. would people explaining it be useful) or don’t agree with?

As always this thread shows such a negative view of relationships and marriage. It's all about if he leaves you what happens... if you have assets you shouldn't marry him... IMO if you are a couple and get married then everything is pooled. If you are SAHM and he is earning it's much the same, joint account and mutual decisions on how to spend money. Likewise he will get access to income from the mortgage free home if rented out. You shouldn't be any more or any less in a position of power whether working or not if this is a healthy relationship. If your only concern is how to get out of this relationship and financial security as a single person then I think the relationship is simply not right for you.

As for SAHM it's a nice life, I did it for a while and enjoyed a nice lifestyle as dh earned 6 figures. But i found I lacked focus and direction and was both exhausted and bored after a few years. I went back to work PT when youngest started school and have absolutely no regrets about it. That said I work few hours term time only and have little responsibility. Sometimes i yearn for more but on balance I've done very well and we have an easy life. I constantly hear people moaning about being overwhelmed by domestic stuff and too tired at weekends to do anything but we don't have those issues. I work hard during the week so I do v little at weekends and both dh and i take time to ourselves to pursue hobbies or social lives. I consider myself extremely lucky.

A lot of this advice doesn't make sense.

Marraige is advisable in a lot of situation, but not necessarily this one as the OP has options.

If the relationship goes south, the OP has a death free house she can move into (as soon as she gets the tenants out), has monetary family support and also has a skillset and earning power that would allow her to return to the workplace (even if salary is lower for a while).

It's far different to an OP with no housing options or limited earning potential.

OP, there will always be risks with something like this. The main concern is if it's abroad somewhere you couldn't return with the children if you wished, in the event of a split.

Would you consider trying part time first to see how you find it rather than fully committing? Also, agree everything very clearly in advance do you and your partner's expectations are aligned.

I see your point, but her partner is prepared to share his earnings with her so I think she should be prepared to share her potential rental income and inheritance with him.

Rental income perhaps. Inheritance, no. That’s capital, not income.

OP will be giving up earning potential - a huge financial sacrifice - while he will be increasing his. Earning potential isn’t something you can really share in a break up. OP needs to keep a hold of all the assets she can if she goes the SAHM route.

Aside from the money, would you want this life? Staying home all day isn't for everyone. I would miss having a job and adult company.

You had presumably a great job and are ambitious? Why can't you stay where you are and have 2 dc's without being a sahm on those salaries?

Yes I did after having 3rd dc (had a great career earning 6 figures plus 14 years ago). Was out for about 10 years (went back 4 days a week working from home after covid). Loved being with my dc whilst they were young. Got back fairly easily on a returnship which was all the rage back then. Am currently working to top up my pension until my youngest is 18 when I will retire and travel.
We never had power /financial imbalances. Never felt there was a his money/my money thing. I also owned my own home from before I met him and I always had the confidence that I could get back into work if I needed it.
Personally I think you have one life and if sahm is something you would enjoy give it a go. There are risks but far less in your position than for most (although might want to consider getting married).

No since you’re not married. It’s not just about money, please don’t underestimate it.

Get married first.

If you are financially more secure being married, then marry first. If you stand to lose out then don’t, keep your career bubbling along. If it’s overseas do not do it. You will be a trailing spouse and very vulnerable. I have enjoyed being a SAHP and it took the pressure off as a family. It’s not for everyone but I loved it!

Why would that benefit OP?

I agree with this, however relationships can be healthy...until they arent. I was one of those with a warning, and absolutely not 'sneering' as some have said about SAHP. It is a very difficult job for all kinds of reasons, and is a choice and a perfectly viable one. The big issue, and you only have to look on here to see, is that when you have any kind of career break, it will likely effect your career. If your relationship is healthy, then that will be OK. The problem is where something happens, and believe me it can, which means that you no longer have the relationship you thought you would. This can be death maybe, so life insurance is a must. Or it can be one person leaves. more often than not this is the man. While it would be nice to think this will never happen to us, unfortunately you never know. I have seen and heard more stories than I can say around men who leave in their fifties, which is far harder for someone to then start on a career. And, from someone who it happened to having my career helped me enormously when my husband left me. It was one of the main things that got me through, both financially but also from a view of having something for myself that I could concentrate on. I would always advise that no one, man or woman, gives up their career completely. Reduce hours etc, but putting all your eggs in one basket to me is never a good idea. If you do, make sure you protect yourself as much as possible. As Baz Lurhman said: 'Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out'

I'm a sahm with dcs in pt nursery/school and an independent income. I'm pretty happy with it and enjoy the time I have to myself and with the dcs. It's hard work when dcs are younger (we didn't use nursery until age 2.5) but fun too. When you have a decent income and live in an interesting family area (we're in London) there are lots of activities to keep dcs entertained, we are hardly ever at home.

DH is a high earner and I'm financially secure (we max out my pension and ISAs annually, and I've generated enough passive income to not need to work even without Dh's salary). I've never been defined by my job or have a desperate need for social contact so that side of things didn't worry me, but it's something to think about.
In your shoes I would want to be married first and have free access to all finances.

I wouldn't. It's so risky. Get married go part time keep your independence and a toe always in work.

I got told I'd have lots of time for my career once my children were In school so I didn't establish an employed career/climb the ladder had children earlier although not planned(thanks to the pill). Instead I started a business from home which did well for a while and then the landscape changed,AI came along. My second child has additional needs. Didn't see that coming. Had I of established a career and kept my toe in I'd be in a position now where I'd be more likely to be able to work flexibly for a decent wage and be able to afford the specialist care he would need. As it is I essentially can't really work much at all and ironically minimum wage jobs aren't flexible at all and wouldnt afford the care he would need. If I divorce from my husband I'll be stuck on benefits for a really long time.
The longer you are the non earning parent the harder it can be to change the dynamic. Particularly if you're starting from the bottom again it won't feel like it makes much sense for your partner who might earn triple what you do in a hour to start taking a step back to allow you to establish your career again.
It can also really change the dynamics of the relationship where you essentially become less important even though you'd be the backbone of the family most likely keeping everyone's world turning.
It's far easier to keep something dial it down a bit than it is to start again with more children. It might be different for you but its worth considering all the potentials and protecting yourself as much as possible.

Would your partner consider giving up his job to look after the kids? Whilst you progressed your career and earnt more? If not why not? He most likely won't of thought about all the real life consequences for you.

As always this thread shows such a negative view of relationships and marriage. It's all about if he leaves you what happens... if you have assets you shouldn't marry him...

But that's because the negative things do happen. Relationships end, people cheat, people die.

Lots of things don't really matter day-to-day when things are good, marriage being one example of that - it doesn't make a massive difference to daily life, but it's when the shit hits the fan that you need the planning and protection.

If you work it all out and make the decisions that protect you best, but then don't need them then great. But if you do need them and don't have them it's awful