SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

[Jjye]

DP is very successful, earns well (over 100k) with scope to earn much more in future too. He has no family wealth. I earn ok (85k) and do have some family wealth ie I already own a home with no mortgage, often am gifted 1k every few months. We are not married as I wanted to keep finances separate and was in no need to tie myself to DP in that way. I would consider marriage in future perhaps.

We had dd accidentally a year into the relationship. She’s now 3. DP often says we could move to a location where he can earn more more quickly and in doing so I could work if I wanted to or just stay at home and have the time to myself and we could have another dc. I was adamant I didn’t want this sort of set up even though I would like another dc.

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it. I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum. Probably ttc in a few months.

I know nobody can answer this for me but has anyone regretted doing this? We can live off dp’s income but it feels odd to give up my income as I can earn well. I was wildly independent when I met DP.

Exactly! When you make life changing decisions you have to take into consideration what would happen to me in this new situation if things weren't exactly like they are today. Half of marriages end and I would imagine even more than half of 4 year long unmarried couples break up. It's such a risk taking yourself out of the job market whether you have an established career or not.

My DH earned 20 times what I did and after we had our first child I went part time then gave up work after our second. It did feel odd but having my ‘own’ money but it worked out.
But we discussed this and both agreed. We went over how it would work financially.
We were married and the house was in both our names.
We had individual and a joint bank accounts.
My husband was generous to a fault. He never ever questioned me about what I spent. Of course I was relatively frugal as I was used to living within a much smaller budget.
We always discussed major purchases (TV, car etc) - I had as much say in the decision.
Do you work in an industry where you could return relatively easily should you want to at a later date?
Have you discussed how finances will work?
Will you be expected to run the house and do all the housework and childcare? We got around some of this by paying for a cleaner.
What if one of you became ill, he list his job, or if, like what happened to me, your partner passed away?
It’s not a bad idea, but go into it having discussed how it would work.

It's an aspect of someone's personality and what they prioritize in life. Much like you may find someone attractive on the street then find they have an incompatible personality, everyone has things they're attracted and not attracted to.

Some like tall dark and handsome men, some like a career woman, some like someone who keeps the home or a man who has a good head of hair. Let people have their preferences!

Most women want a man with a job. Most women therefore define men by their employment status

I define myself in part by my career. I can define myself anyway I want. My career is super important to me and I am very proud of it. I respect however anyone wants to define themselves. The important thing is not allowing others to define us.

What the difference to a women relying on man/partner for every penny like a hired help in a way n a mum relying on benefits for every penny

Everyone saying OP should stay in work to keep her independence seems to be missing the fact she owns a house, receives high amounts of money regularly and is going to inherit a huge sum in the future.

She is financially independent and if this relationship did end she isn’t going to end up with no place to go or no money to restart her life.

If you want to be a SAHM, do it. You’re in an extremely comfortable position and would still be if this relationship ended.

Don’t work and miss out on your child’s early years just because a bunch of people on the internet told you that you need to work and miss it all to stay “independent”

I would advise you not to do this.

Being a SAHM is not as easy as you think, think carefully before you do this.

Also, as you have a child it would be smarter to get married.

I was married for 12 years, we had 3 children in 2 years so decided I would be a SAHM.

My ex husband is an Architect and I'm an Accountant. He was on a salary in excess of 200k.

I then left him and it was hell.

Stay in employment.

Most people on here hate SAHMs! I wouldn’t base your descision on the responses you’re going to get. As long as you have a back up plan for if the relationship goes south (and because you have regular £1000 payments coming in, a house in your name, and the skills to have been working in a high paying career, then this means you do have a back up plan) then I would go for it if you want to.

There is so much sneering about SAHMs which is unnecessarily and bitchy. Don’t give it the time of day. If it’s what you want for your family then try it out.

From your children’s perspective it’s absolutely the way to go. Whether you will actually enjoy it is another thing, it isn’t for everyone.

however, your career is not going to dead and unable to be restarted again after just one or two years if you want to try it out. It may be once you’ve tried out SAHParenting you may want to continue working but in a different role, perhaps part time. Or you may never want to go back to work again and set up ways to invest your money so you make passive income.

now you are having children, your life is entering a different phase. It’s ok to try new things, even if they don’t go to plan or aren’t an efficient way of reaching an end goal.

I would. So many bitter betties on here.

@Gagamama2 Why should the OP not listen to any of the advice she gets? Isn't it better for her to get a variation of advice and potential pitfalls to look out for rather than just listen to your point of view? The whole reason she posted was to to get advice and opinions. You are saying in your first paragraph that she shouldn't base her decision on the advice she gets and by the third paragraph you say it's definitely the way to go. What's the point of having any opionion if you start off by telling her to ignore it?

I find it sad that the laudable aim of giving women more scope and opportunities for education and careers seems to have resulted in a denigration of the role of parent, as though this has acquired a secondary status. That is a shame.

Do you feel equally sad for men and their role as a parent?

You’re right, I shouldn’t have said to outright ignore it, that was badly worded. What I mean is that it doesn’t hurt to try it, no matter if you’re unsure it’s going to work or not. Trying something different / new for a year is not going to cause the OP financial ruin or make her unemployable, as many people on here are making out.

Also, the OP’s financial situation means she has less to gamble than most on here (due to her being in the top whatever % of earners) by trying it out. I could understand all the warning advice if she had a big mortage / was renting / had no savings or no future income coming in. But none of this applies to her. And so many of the responses warning not to do it because of x y and z also don’t apply.

Goodness me yes! My late OH would have loved to have been a SAHP and he would have been very good at it.

My point though was that women having careers outside the home is brilliant, but that does not mean that women choosing a career of parenting and homemaking should become second class citizens. That there choice should be seen as somehow second best to a "real" career.

They are of course not second class citizens, nobody has said that. What is being discussed are the risks associated with relying on somebody else and opting out of the job market for years. It is possible to rejoin of course but for many careers, if you have been out of it for 10 years, you can’t just slot in again. Ideally that wouldn’t be the case but it is because future employers don’t owe us anything. It’s unrealistic to think that employers should value people not working. Women being able to study and work is a far greater achievement than expecting them to be at home looking after children. That just lead to a detrimental imbalance and left completely vulnerable.

I found plenty to do when I gave up work. We have always had a dog (we now have two) and after school drop off I would go on long dog walks, get home and do the chores - we had a lot of fur and no cleaner, and go to swimming or meet a friend, then it was pick up. I adopted kids with significant additional needs - I reluctantly stopped working tbh, but I saved a fortune on childcare, dog walking, cleaner, dry cleaning etc. And I really enjoyed life. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but there is plenty you can do to keep busy.

Absolutely not. Without marriage you are making yourself vulnerable.

That’s so wrong.
What about her partner’s assets?

I’d try and go part time if I were you, not give up work entirely. Especially if not married.

In the SE it is.
I wouldn't be a SATM without getting married. (and didn't)

What about them
they aren’t married
they have separate assets
if they have fairly equal assets then fair enough
but the op stands to lose a huge amount if she gets married

no idea what her partner might lose
but men are generally better off if they leave / divorce