SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

[Jjye]

DP is very successful, earns well (over 100k) with scope to earn much more in future too. He has no family wealth. I earn ok (85k) and do have some family wealth ie I already own a home with no mortgage, often am gifted 1k every few months. We are not married as I wanted to keep finances separate and was in no need to tie myself to DP in that way. I would consider marriage in future perhaps.

We had dd accidentally a year into the relationship. She’s now 3. DP often says we could move to a location where he can earn more more quickly and in doing so I could work if I wanted to or just stay at home and have the time to myself and we could have another dc. I was adamant I didn’t want this sort of set up even though I would like another dc.

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it. I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum. Probably ttc in a few months.

I know nobody can answer this for me but has anyone regretted doing this? We can live off dp’s income but it feels odd to give up my income as I can earn well. I was wildly independent when I met DP.

I think you need to have a lot of tough conversations with your partner before making that choice. Some of them being:

• Getting married is an absolute must before sacrificing your career and your income. You need to love him like you're never splitting up, but have your ducks in a row in case you do.
• How are you going to be sharing finances? There should be no 'he's paying for nursery' when you're a SAHM. Your joint money is family income, regardless of who has collected the paycheck. His sacrifice for the family is his time towards paid labour. Your sacrifice to the family is putting your career on the back-burner and being home so you can be an actively involved parent. He is doing paid labour to allow you to do your part, and you're staying home to allow him to do his part. Both are to be valued equally, and both should give you rights to the family income. His vote shouldn't count higher when choosing how to spend this money.
• How is he going to use his income to supplement your pension and increase your financial worth? You no longer have an income, so you can not grow your savings accounts and equity. He's the one with the income. He should be doing that for you. That means pension plans to make up for the years not working, investing for you, paying off mortgages in both your names, ...
• What is the back-up plan in case of things like his illness or death, him losing his job, either of you wanting to leave the relationship. You don't want to be thinking of your back-up plan in the event of these terrible things. You need to know right now how you're going to financially overcome this. Otherwise you need a back-up income.
• How is the dynamic between you going to change when you're a SAHM? Does he expect you to take care of all household and childcare related tasks, 24/7? Or is he realistic and understanding that his job takes up his time for anything between 40-50 hours a week and you being a SAHM mom shouldn't be a 168 hours a week task.

No it's not. What a misogynistic viewpoint. Women's unpaid labour is not to be looked down upon or undervalued.

So you're not being completely honest saying you want to be at home with your DD are you? Could you work part time while your DD is in nursery.

As others have said, there's no chance I'd do this without being married

I think your concept of the difference between earning 85k and earning 100k is a bit out of whack - bearing in mind taxes, these incomes aren’t as different as your post suggests, or as different as earning, say, 20k and 35k.

Plus the extra grand gifted to you every few months, you’re incomes are going to be roughly the same.

Also, when you had your time off, you weren’t really a SAHM if your dd was at nursery “a few times” a week. It was more of an unpaid holiday. Would you keep this nursery provision of you were to give up work completely? If so, does your DH know this is what you’re thinking? (Edit - I have now seen he is aware)

I wouldn’t give up work without the security of marriage, no.

And I fail to see the point now you’ve got past the very early years - you dd will be in school soon!

Things id be considering would be things like others have mentioned, what happens if you split, can you resurrect your career or would a break detriment you?

have you thought about your private pension payments; would he continue paying those,
would you have a private spending allowance, or are you using your savings?
is he covering more of the household bills % wise, or are you expected to cover your 50%
What happens with unexpected expenditure - how is that split

Trying to pre-empt some of the financial abuse scenarios...

What sort of home do you own outright and what is the income from it or what will the income from it be if you move somewhere with him.

It doesn't sound as risky as someine with no assets or income giving up work.

I would.

Obviously doing this without being married would be absolutely bonkers - you'd be 'enhancing his career' and he could just walk away at any point and leave you with difficulty in picking up yours. I wouldn't do it married or not, but 100% not unmarried.

All I'm saying that it is like groundhog day at times, being a SAHM! A lot of the mums I know who initially loved spending all day with their babies couldn't wait to get back to working full time! Just make sure you have things in order, especially independent finances should anything go awry!

Bear in mind that to your DP you will be a different person if you become a SAHM. He got together with a professional woman who made quite a lot of money. Being with someone who was capable of being on his level career wise was probably quite important to him and something that made you attractive as a spouse. If you now become a SAHM and move to a new area where you don't know people your world will become very small and a lot of it will just revolve around him, especially socially. It's quite possible this will change your relationship quite substantially and that he will find you less interesting whilst you will be desperate for his company. This all sounds quite harsh, but you need to consider it if you are contemplating giving up so much of what is you for his career.

I would do it, but have contingencies. What if he gets too ill to work? Am i happy with how my pension would look? What happens if he cheats? Etc etc.

Do you still keep your finances very separate? How would you feel being reliant on him financially? Is he comfortable fully disclosing his financial situation with you, or is he private about it? You said you would “consider marriage in future perhaps” - why the hesitancy?

There’s just a lot of questions to ask before making that kind of decision. As someone who was a SAHM for 3 years, it was great having that time with my kids, but it messed with my mental health, felt a big loss of identity and then what do you plan to do with your time when they start school? Could you find yourself a part-time job so you have a bit of balance?

I loved being a sahm and would recommend it, but only if you are married. Also, it would be a good idea to make sure you will be able to go back to work at some point in the future - unlike me!

If you want to keep your finances separate and not be tied to DP then being a SAHM and reliant on him paying for nursery and other bills is a bit of a contradiction in terms!

Given the Op owns a mortgage free house in her name and is possibly going to have a very large inheritance getting married shouldn't be as automatic as it would be for many.

That needs careful advice and consideration as she has the bulk of the assets in the relationship as it stands

Without a question, as long as we were married.

To be honest, I'd probably choose to be a SAHM especially as you fancy a second child. You can use the income from renting out your current house to sustain you as long as your partner is paying most of the bills?
If you have a wealthy family anyway, you have much lower risk and if all goes wrong you can move back to your old house? I really don't see much of an issue to be honest..
If you ended up separating, it would be a good thing you never got married as the old (current) house is all in your name!

What do you mean by move? From Devon to Cornwall is one thing, but moving from Devon to Saudi Arabia or Australia is quite another, especially if you have another child in that country. You could end up stuck there without a career or a partner if you split up.

Go part time, but do not give up your job. Keep your skills and networks up to date because once they’re gone they’re incredibly hard to get back.

An inheritance of £700k isn’t a life changing amount of money for people like you with a high income. In the SE that’ll get you a 4 bed detached house, but not much else.

This is exactly what I think! Not sure really what the benefit to OP would be if they were to get married? If anything it might be worse in case of assets if they were to split later on.

Hi, I’m a SAHM and thought I’d share my thoughts!

You’ll get a lot of people telling you to keep working for security in case something goes wrong in your relationship. You will probably read their posts and think it will never happen, it might not! I love being a SAHM but I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t married.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my second baby, with a two year old who goes to nursery twice a week. This balance works well having a bit of time just with the baby, and when I’m not on maternity leave I work two days a week. I have a lovely quite social job so I really like going to work and don’t find it stressful - I really like the balance of SAHM most of the time but I also get a bit of time to be myself at work.

I wonder whether the solution is get married, go part time (two-three days) then have another baby so you have maternity leave, see how you feel if you like being a SAHM all the time or you like a change for a couple of days with your work.

If you’re going to the Middle East, I would not do that in a million years for a variety of reasons.

You sound like you can cope financially for now. I could never be a stay at home mum though. I could never depend on a man for my monthly money, unless I couldn’t work due to health problems. I would not want the identity of being a stay at home parent either.

Only you can make this decision though.

Are you a SAHM or do you work? This post is quite confusing to me!

I would never put myself in the vulnerable position of depending on someone else voluntarily. Your husband earns well (and so do you) but he doesn't earn THAT well, depending on where you live and what your expenses are. After taxes, pension (for 2), nursery, gym fees and everything else that comes with this lifestyle, would he have enough leftover to make it worth the loss of independence you will be signing up for?

One month off is great, now try and picture this month after month after month after month after month...

You aren't a SAHM. They usually don't work.

If your due to inherit 700k and you have a mortgage free house then definitely don’t get married 😂

you risk loosing that for a piece of paper that benefits some and not others

I think wait till you get your inheritance and the reconsider