SAHM … would you in these circumstances?

[Jjye]

DP is very successful, earns well (over 100k) with scope to earn much more in future too. He has no family wealth. I earn ok (85k) and do have some family wealth ie I already own a home with no mortgage, often am gifted 1k every few months. We are not married as I wanted to keep finances separate and was in no need to tie myself to DP in that way. I would consider marriage in future perhaps.

We had dd accidentally a year into the relationship. She’s now 3. DP often says we could move to a location where he can earn more more quickly and in doing so I could work if I wanted to or just stay at home and have the time to myself and we could have another dc. I was adamant I didn’t want this sort of set up even though I would like another dc.

I recently took a sabbatical of one month from work and loved it. DD in nursery a few days a week and I went to the gym and watched films and saw friends. I loved it. I’m now really keen on the idea of moving with dp to enhance his career and keeping my home rented out and being a stay at home mum. Probably ttc in a few months.

I know nobody can answer this for me but has anyone regretted doing this? We can live off dp’s income but it feels odd to give up my income as I can earn well. I was wildly independent when I met DP.

I was a SAHM for five years and by the end I didn’t enjoy it at all, I often felt trapped and it was hard to get back on the job ladder. Everyone I know in my generation who has done it enjoys the first couple of years then not so much. I think it works if you have excellent community around you and plenty of support, plus opportunities to fulfil your own need for mental stimulation/purpose eg further study or volunteering. If you become one to be a maid/doormat/nanny it does lose its appeal in the end.

I struggled with the relentlessness of it, eg holidays with the kids didn’t feel like a break because they were still there, I was just doing the same sht in a different location. I also really struggled with a sense of lack of achievement. If the children do good things, we praise them, if they do bad things, we judge their SAHparent. I’m a reward driven person, so I felt I ended up seeking my own fulfilment through my children’s achievements, which is a lot of pressure for a child.
whereas now, I watch my children do cool stuff eg a music concert and think, wow, they are amazing! And just feel a simpler joy and love for them with no link to my own identity

@Jjye i mean as you said no one can answer that but for me that would be a no. A sabbatical is very different than a sham in my opinion. And you are thinking about moving so you won’t have your friends. I have done all of the above sabbatical, sham, working mum, currently live abroad for my husband’s job and it’s less glamorous than it looks.

No, it would be a terrible example to set to a daughter.

what about your private pension? Would he set up something and pay in for you or would you just be left with a gap in contributions?

Absolutely not. In my personal experience it changes the dynamics of the relationship. On top of that you quickly deskill, lose confidence and re-entering employment seems very overwhelming. It can also be very lonely. If you move you wouldn't have the friendship group or support network you have now.

If you do decide to do it I'd discuss everything before. What will the distribution of labour be like? Who will be doing what and when? What parenting role will he be taking? How much financial support will he be giving you.

You don't want to end up doing everything for everyone all of the time.

The starting point seems to be that you want to SAH to have time to yourself, not for your DC. That means that your partner is funding you, not his children. That will put a very different spin on things when he's working all the hours, and will feel entitled to throw in your face that you should do everything else seeing as he's paying for everything (not correct, but he could). You wouldn't be able to say that you reluctantly gave everything up for his children. Are you ok with that?

Is your house worth enough for you to join the workforce years down the line on a much lower salary and 50/50 custody of two children?

I wouldn't dream of this without marriage, and wills in place. People change (including you). You need to protect your and your children's futures. I don't think you've thought about this enough.

achieved totally the reverse tbh @Jjye 😁

just adding also, reading your updates, you seem to be independently, financially secure for the future.

After giving it careful consideration, if a more relaxed life balance suits you, then just do what fills yer soul.

I think I would base my decision on a few things - how the relationship is and your partner's attitude to money being one. Also whether your line of work is one likely to be impacted by taking years out. Would your skills, qualifications or professional registration expire? Finally what it would be like for you to live as a single parent in your husband's preferred location in the event that you separated. Would you be able to work there? OP is in a fortunate position financially and this would not necessarily improve by being married, all other things being equal.

If you enjoy it do it for how ever long you want to. I did with 4 DC I loved every minute of it even missed them when they went back to school after holidays. Looked forward to them being home in the holidays. I see so may people moaning on here about when their DC are off school how much they struggle just for 2 weeks at Christmas. They don't seem to like spending time with them.

I'm not a big fan of the "man with a big job / SAHM" model anyway, but I think it's risky to give up your job and relocate when you're not married and your DP has no obligation to support you financially

Dc are precious and I understand wanting to spend time with them. (I’m a full time working mum). Have you considered part time though? Can’t you get some work where your dh wants to move to?

For me it depends what family wealth we’re talking about & how easy it would be for you to get back up to 85k if you had say 5 years out and were starting again.

If you have say a 700k house mortgage free then yeah I might do it, you could sell that & keep yourself going for years if needed.

If you could realistically step back in at the same salary after a break, plus 2 young children to juggle potentially solo, then maybe.

But even then I probably wouldn’t unless married.

I wouldn't consider it without being married.

And if you were married, would your money still be completely separate from your husbands? If so, I wouldn't consider it either unless strict legal plans where put in place regarding payment into your pension etc. I can never get my head around that on mumsnet -the amount of married couples who have separate finances! Unless there is some issue involved obviously such as gambling, abuse of some kind etc etc.

I would only consider it for the short term if you have very clear legally binding financial agreements with y partner or get married. I would not consider it if another move was on the cards in a year or two, I found it incredibly hard to start again multiple times with young children.
only consider it if you are sure your career can take the hit. Eg, after 5years all my references had moved on so weren’t as valuable which massively effected my hireability

A month off work doing what you did sounds fun and prob a breath of fresh air

a lifetime not on your Nelly

why can’t you move in. Still work. Still have another child. Get childcare

I've just had half term off with the kids and currently feel I would happily give up paid work if we could afford it.
Probably wouldn't in reality though.

Unmarried, and potentially another mat leave...I think it's risky. Think of the position if you were to split - you've moved, have less pension, halted/potentially damaged career to look after your child who belongs to both of you. How would you recover financially from a split?
Is there any scope for him to top up your pension while you are a SAHM? Would you be expected to contribute financially from any savings or from rental income?

It does sound like a nice life, especially with DC in nursery a few days a week!
I'd probably consider it, if you can weigh up what position you'd be in post split and if you're happy with how that looks.

Promises of 'I'd never leave you short' etc and thinking it'll never happen count for nothing.

Also - what's the agreement for other household duties while you're a SAHM? Are you on call 24/7 and responsible for all cooking/cleaning/life admin/childcare etc while he does nothing once he's finished work?
How does that look when you're on a family holiday? Does he get to relax because he 'goes to work and it's his holiday', or are you both relaxing equally during this time.
A lot to think about.

Get married then see how you both feel about it. Don't do this unmarried.

I agree with the others - don't do this unless you're married. Given you've worked hard to reach that level, I wouldn't give up work unless I was doing a job where a return to a job of an equal level was absolutely guaranteed. There are so many women who end up in jobs that they wouldn't have dreamed of doing otherwise because they had a few years off.

Are you able to buy extra weeks off work?

It might be novel for a month but year after year it can become tedious. You need to get married as well.

YABU for saying £80k is "okay".

I LOVED being a SAHM. I'm losing it now because my husband has left me so of course I have to go back, it will be very hard. Your circumstances sound quite different though, you have a lot of financial clout. I wouldn't marry, being the asset holder, you could end up losing half your house and half your inheritance and he'll have to pay CM either way.

This is always my first thought. No, you don’t need to work hard at school like your male classmates do. You can just hook a rich man and have him fund you through life. Any skills you acquire will be wasted.
No thank you. I don’t care if my daughter doesn’t have a white collar job when she is older. As long as she does her best at whatever

Do you have a career that's easy to get back into after a multi-year break or would you be deskilled after 3/4 year to the point you'd have no chance of getting back on 85k?

Where is the location that DH wants to move to? Would that work for going back to work? Would you be allowed to work there? How far away is it and would you easily be able to return home if you split up?

Would your DP continue paying your pension at the rate you're currently paying in? How much of an impact would the loss of employers contribution make?

Normally "get married" would be the automatic advice in this situation, but if you're currently in a better financial position with your house than him, and you have a potentially very large inheritance then you need to work that one out carefully as it may not be as automatic for you.

Also consider the house side of things - being a SAHP generally means doing the bulk of the housework in most homes. How would that dynamic work? Would your DP stop doing everything?

Whilst he's suggested putting your DD in nursery for some downtime for you what does that mean for the rest of evenings and weekends? Is that split time or is she going to be your sole responsibility the entire time she's at home?

tbf @Readytohealnow

@Jjye is independently wealthy, earns a "modest" 85K 😉and is

"due to inherit around 700k but obviously there are lots of variables to that and it’s not guaranteed"

She's not just hooking up with a rich guy.

So just a few things most of which others have said. You loved it TO BEGIN WITH. I had some time off and it was great at first and then I was bored shitless and really struggled with it being my whole life. And for me showing my children an independent strong, smart woman was important.

Taking away your financial independence, no guarantee of relationship (marriage isn’t either but financially better) etc.

This all sounds good but honestly I wouldn’t do it.

The SAHM thing has its benefits if you are well off and have childcare help. It is lovely to have time to yourself. And if you are enjoying doing the grunt work on the days the kids aren’t in childcare then you can have a very nice lifestyle.

BUT it changes the dynamic - you will be chasing his career and that will dictate a lot of things. You will have less say over big things like where you move. I’m not saying you’ll have no say, but your reasoning, even to yourself, will probably be different. And you will be the default, always picking up the pieces. If DP wants to head off for a week for work there’s no negotiation over whether your commitments clash, you’re expected to just pick up the pieces. It will be much harder to put your enjoyment of life on par with DP’s and the kids’. You will likely be expected to entertain yourself during the week day and do the babysitting in the evenings and weekends whenever DP wants to go off and do something for himself. This is normally fine initially but lots of SAHM’s find it gets wearying as time goes on, especially if you grow a part a bit as a couple. Will you have equal access to his income and have your pension paid into, or will you be expected to fund your own lifestyle from ever dwindling capital or whatever hand outs he’s happy to make on any given day? The way you talk about him saying he’ll pay for 2 - 3 days of nursery comes across as it all being in his gift rather than you being equally able to influence how the two of you live.

There’s also the issue of needing to move to do this - just as you have a new baby. Where to? A new area and especially a new country is generally harder to settle into with a baby. You wont have a network of your own there and it can be hard to break into a new community unless it’s a fairly transient one with people moving in and out all the time. And as others have pointed out - if it’s another country that can be a nightmare if you ever do want to separate.

If you will be able to walk back in to your profession, you will retain your choices and a lot of your power. If that is the case then enjoying a few years while your children are small may be a good choice (assuming other concerns are not too great). If it’s not the case I think it would be foolish, even if your DP pays into your pension and splits whatever spare cash you have each month with you so you can continue to build your savings. The ability to earn a good wage (which you currently do, and which will probably increase over time) is huge financially, it would take a lot of capital to make it sensible to give that up.