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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Pregnancy announcement before brothers wedding

434 replies

Kittycat02 · 03/06/2025 08:26

I’ve just found out we are expecting, and have had an early scan (8weeks). My brother gets married in 2 weeks time, so I want to announce it now so that I don’t have to pretend to drink at the wedding. It’s only a small wedding with parents and siblings so I was going to announce it to the people who will be at the wedding as they are my close family and I know how excited they are going to be!
AIBU to announce it before his wedding or should I wait until afterwards?

OP posts:
rosemarble · 03/06/2025 12:19

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 03/06/2025 10:29

Id start complaining of toothache now and materialise a dentist appointment where they give you some antibiotics that state you can't drink and take them.

Or just wear a big hat that says "I'm pregnant"!

MrsJoanDanvers · 03/06/2025 12:24

You know what, my attitude is that lovely news is lovely news and can’t imagine being someone who thinks why isn’t the attention all on ME on my wedding day. I would be very happy to have good news shared at my wedding-especially as it’s a small close family occasion. But these are the days of brides being totally the centre of everything so my opinion isn’t popular.

AliceandOscar · 03/06/2025 12:25

I don’t drink alcohol, just for the simple reason I don’t like the taste, and in all the social events I’ve been too, 99% of them no one has ever noticed or commented. In the 1% where it’s been noticed and I don’t want to go into a long explanation, I just say I’m driving or get a drink and just don’t drink it. I just don’t get the ‘oh people we’ll see I’m not drinking’ unless you are normally some big drink who knocks back a bottle of wine at social events. Don’t make an issue and people just won’t notice.

Penthrowingsurvivor · 03/06/2025 12:25

CRbear · 03/06/2025 12:17

It’s not a dirty secret to have a miscarriage. “Years ago women didn’t reveal until at least 12 weeks” - and? Loads of things we don’t do because we’ve realised they’re unhealthy attitudes.

it's not about it being a "dirty secret"

it's about the need for many women for privacy and space to deal with baby loss.

It's about people knowing too early and asking for news, whilst you lost the baby and really don't want to discuss it, or even tell them.

Until you have a miscarriage or a still birth, you do not know how you will react and if you will be wanting to talk about it or not. It's safer for the mother to be cautious, not the people around her. If you prefer people to know, of course go for it.

Witchlite · 03/06/2025 12:26

I’d put off announcing it until 12 weeks. That way you are not taking the gloss of DB wedding - even if you don’t, some may perceive it as such.

I’d tell a white lie - “sorry, I’m on antibiotics, so no alcohol atm.

This is exactly where white lies are acceptable - to benefit others, not yourself.

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2025 12:26

CRbear · 03/06/2025 12:17

It’s not a dirty secret to have a miscarriage. “Years ago women didn’t reveal until at least 12 weeks” - and? Loads of things we don’t do because we’ve realised they’re unhealthy attitudes.

While I agree with the sentiment for me it would have been preferable to tell people about my MC when I chose to and also to be able to choose who to tell and who not to
I wasn't ashamed but it was my news to tell, just like being pg

ButteredRadishes · 03/06/2025 12:27

CRbear · 03/06/2025 12:17

It’s not a dirty secret to have a miscarriage. “Years ago women didn’t reveal until at least 12 weeks” - and? Loads of things we don’t do because we’ve realised they’re unhealthy attitudes.

no - you just don't want to have to deal with loads of people asking you how things are and then having to tell loads of people if it goes wrong. You'll get well meaning people trying to give you old baby clothes and stuff, asking how things are going etc. this could happen weeks after too. So just say you tell everyone t 6 weeks, then miscarry at 8, then see someone again at 15 weeks and they ask "Oh how's little bump doing..." and then another person, and another and another

It's definitely easier to tell a few close people eg the father, your mum, sister - then if something goes worng tthey can support you.

funinthesun19 · 03/06/2025 12:28

It’s annoying how you’re expected to have a drink and that just not wanting one is not a good enough answer which you should be able to say, OP.
A few years ago I was at a relative’s wedding, and her sister was annoying asf pestering me to have a drink, calling me boring etc. Told her I didn’t fancy one and I felt like I wasn’t a normal adult just because I was happy with my coke.

dimsiaradcymraeg · 03/06/2025 12:30

Wow, I can’t believe some of the responses. How is telling them now going to take shine off their wedding for goodness sake.

I’d tell them now. Their wedding will be about them - two weeks is ample time for everyone to get used to the news and focus on the wedding. Seriously.

rosemarble · 03/06/2025 12:36

dimsiaradcymraeg · 03/06/2025 12:30

Wow, I can’t believe some of the responses. How is telling them now going to take shine off their wedding for goodness sake.

I’d tell them now. Their wedding will be about them - two weeks is ample time for everyone to get used to the news and focus on the wedding. Seriously.

OP says "so I was going to announce it to the people who will be at the wedding as they are my close family and I know how excited they are going to be!"

Right now, ALL the excitement should be for the forthcoming wedding. OP can wait a couple of weeks.

I wonder if OP is coming back.......

WordsFailMeYetAgain · 03/06/2025 12:37

I'd wait until afterwards, you are still early. If you choose non-alcoholic versions of drinks (loads of choices these days), nobody will know you aren't drinking.

Heronwatcher · 03/06/2025 12:40

Yeah just wait. Some people wouldn’t care but others definitely would. Just make sure you have a glass with fizzy water or lime and soda in and if necessary say you’ve got a dodgy tummy. If a few people guess then so what?

dimsiaradcymraeg · 03/06/2025 12:40

rosemarble · 03/06/2025 12:36

OP says "so I was going to announce it to the people who will be at the wedding as they are my close family and I know how excited they are going to be!"

Right now, ALL the excitement should be for the forthcoming wedding. OP can wait a couple of weeks.

I wonder if OP is coming back.......

Yes, but not at the wedding! Op clearly means to those who are attending but before the wedding, not on the day!

rosemarble · 03/06/2025 12:43

dimsiaradcymraeg · 03/06/2025 12:40

Yes, but not at the wedding! Op clearly means to those who are attending but before the wedding, not on the day!

My opinion still stands. This 2 weeks before the wedding should be just about that if possible. No one wants their sibling stealing their thunder. It's not necessary.

Sabrinaspellman01 · 03/06/2025 13:00

Congratulations OP 👶 but yes agree with other posters, wait until after the wedding. No one will notice whether you're drinking or not as long as you have a glass of something in your hand 🥂

sandyhappypeople · 03/06/2025 13:04

Schweden · 03/06/2025 11:38

Why do you assume it is done to bring attention on her? That presupposes that she deliberately got pregnant and planned it all around her brother's wedding. Which is bat shit and the type of person who does that wouldn't be asking, they would be grabbing the mic on the night and demanding eyes on them.

Telling family you are pregnant a couple of weeks before a wedding in no way detracts from the wedding day itself. Given the age that most people's (first) weddings are, it is highly likely that there will be several women of childbearing age and more than one pregnancy ongoing.

Going by other MN threads, two weeks after the event is still too soon for some. People have to be allowed to come back from their honeymoon, share all their photos and it be 'their' month.

Why do you assume it is done to bring attention on her? That presupposes that she deliberately got pregnant and planned it all around her brother's wedding.

What a ridculous thing to say. We can assume it is to bring attention to her because that is the exact reason she wants to tell them 'they will be over the moon', she wants to celebrate with them! Which is absolutely fine, but 'celebrating' a pregnancy before 12 weeks is not the norm at all, for good reason, so her wanting to do it now, rather than 2 weeks after the wedding and after the 12 week scan is pretty obvious she wants to use their wedding as a way to jointly celebrate, but imagine if she tells the family now and has a miscarriage sometime before the wedding.. hardly a celebratory occasion then, there is a reason people wait for 12 weeks before 'celebrating'.

If she was 12 weeks along now it would be different entirely, so I'm not saying she is doing it maliciously, the timing is bad that's all, but it certainly lacks respect for her brother and wife to announce it early to family without talking to them first. Weddings, even small ones, are a huge build up, lots of organising, stress and anxiety, and the day should be about the people celebrating, not someone else sharing big news (too early) to hijack their celebration.

That is why I said she should tell her brother first, because he may be overjoyed and want her to tell people (I would be if it was me, although I'd advise caution), or he may prefer that after all the effort they've put in to the wedding, and the uncertainty about the stage of the pregnancy that she tells people after or at the end of the night, or even let her do an announcement on the day.. it's his big life event so he should really be given the choice.

Amelie2025 · 03/06/2025 13:05

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2025 09:41

Unfortunately I had a MC at 12 weeks and then attended a family wedding a few days later. MIL had been asked not to tell anyone I was pg but clearly had as lots of people came to congratulate me. I had a quiet cry in the toilets and was then accused of "attention seeking"
Its not hard to not drink but look like you are, take a sip and hang onto the same glass for ages or get a "gin and tonic" without the gin

@Hoppinggreen I'm sorry to hear about your MC & how much worse your MIL made the whole thing.

im not sure what your point to me is though?

yes MC do happen at 12 weeks plus but the rate drops. Theres just no benefit in announcing sf 8 weeks.

i think antibiotics/driving/just don't want to are better than 'fake drinking', for several reasons. But one being at small family weddings people often buy you a drink without asking. Even when your glass isn't emoty!!

IMO announcing the pregnancy before the wedding is simply wanting to steal the limelight.

BertSymptom · 03/06/2025 13:06

CRbear · 03/06/2025 12:17

It’s not a dirty secret to have a miscarriage. “Years ago women didn’t reveal until at least 12 weeks” - and? Loads of things we don’t do because we’ve realised they’re unhealthy attitudes.

My ectopic pregnancy isn’t a dirty secret. I think the whole world knows because I had a two night hospital stay, a fortnight off work and had to drop out a girl’s trip abroad. I’m not ashamed of it and talk about it quite often as it’s important people are aware that these things happen.

I still didn’t announce subsequent pregnancies until 12 weeks or beyond because I personally don’t see the point of letting people get excited for something that may not happen. If that’s an unhealthy attitude so be it.

It’s personal preference and I don’t think everyone who chooses to keep early pregnancies to themselves thinks miscarriages and losses are dirty secrets to be hidden away.

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 03/06/2025 13:07

Don't announce. It's early days and it isn't difficult to not drink. If you're honest with yourself you're (justifiably) excited and want an excuse to tell people. Antibiotics, not feeling well, hold a lemonade with a slice in it and say nothing, hold a prosecco and don't drink it. Whatever. People really aren't going to be scrutinising your drinking habits. But let your brother and his wife have this couple of weeks to be their excitement, you've got yours to come.

sandyhappypeople · 03/06/2025 13:13

dimsiaradcymraeg · 03/06/2025 12:30

Wow, I can’t believe some of the responses. How is telling them now going to take shine off their wedding for goodness sake.

I’d tell them now. Their wedding will be about them - two weeks is ample time for everyone to get used to the news and focus on the wedding. Seriously.

How is telling them now going to take shine off their wedding for goodness sake.

So if OP has a miscarriage before the wedding after rushing to tell everyone? Hardly a joyous family wedding then.

There's a reason people wait 12 weeks and it is for a good reason, the MC risk reduces and any abnormalities can usually be detected (which can't be detected at 8 weeks), where people need to make difficult decision whether to continue a pregnancy, so telling people that early for "celebrating purposes" makes no sense at this stage to be honest, she'd be better off waiting and it being a real time to celebrate after being given the all clear at 12 weeks.

Zucker · 03/06/2025 13:15

No one will be watching what you drink if you don't mention it. Always have something in your own glass that looks vaguely fizzy and refuse anyone buying you a drink because your glass will always be full! Wait until after the wedding.

Sugargliderwombat · 03/06/2025 13:16

Please dont do this! It'll be all anyone talks about. Please don't!

Grammarninja · 03/06/2025 13:17

Don't steal their thunder. It's their big life event that should be forefront of everyone's minds. Waiting a few weeks is no big deal. Swanning around all day with a glass of wine that you're not drinking is no hardship. I've done it so many times.

HiRen · 03/06/2025 13:21

Unbelievably crass. It'd be a fair conclusion for bride and groom to think that you did it deliberately to have their guests fawn over you at their wedding. You wouldn't even be 12 weeks. Don't do it. Why would you?

Comtesse · 03/06/2025 13:25

I told some people when I was 7 and 8 weeks pregnant so I do not think it’s weird / risky to tell close family. I didn’t tell everyone (far from it) but the people that mattered. It doesn’t jinx anything and I would be ok talking to all of them about miscarriages too.