To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Very poor form. I suspect new bf was moaning at her all day about being at the wedding with people he didn't know and she was trying to appease him by sneaking in a shag and then leaving early.

I think that your post is the most likely explanation on this thread. People can behave oddly and seemingly out of character when they are under stress/unhappy, and her new partner could be the cause of it given that he is the only change in her life that the OP is aware of (and what was witnessed by OP mother). I would give her some time, and hope that she gets in touch in the next few weeks, hopefully she’ll open up a bit by then.

Sounds about right.

Agreed. She’s jealous that you married a great man, and she’s with a controlling man. She acted out by spoiling your photos by being unavailable, having sex in your room (she may as well have marked the territory by peeing in there like a dog), and leaving early. Time to find a new BFF.

"The only change is this new partner, and my mum did say she saw him being harsh to my MOH"

In public, at a wedding of her friend (and therefore in front of "her" people not his people.) If this is the street angel, what is the house devil like? Park it for now, enjoy your honeymoon, then come back and take her for coffee. Without him. If she makes lots of excuses not to go, then see if you can meet up with him present, just to keep the communication lines open.

I would text her and ask for an explanation though I wouldn’t wait. See what she says and go from there. Though unless she can give an extremely good excuse/explanation for shagging in the bridal suite during your reception (seriously WTF), I would be ending the friendship.

It doesn't sound like you have been bridezilla at all OP. Your friend has behaved appallingly.

I imagine she was appeasing the new boyfriend and was completely ashamed and embarrassed that she had been caugh having sex in your room which prompted the leaving early.

I would go and enjoy the honeymoon, don't give her a second thought until you are home. If she is in contact I would hope it's with and explanation! Have a great time.

I don’t understand PP who think you’re being fussy with “please don’t wear the same ivory shoes the bride has on or have sex in the bridal suit before the bride even gets the chance herself!”

Vile behaviour that reeks of jealousy. She wanted to be the bride, she took advantage of what she could out of spite.

Why treat the issue with kids gloves? If she was and is been coerced by an abusive partner then she can help her friend out immediately, while hopefully being able to forgive and move past her awful behaviour at the wedding. If she wasn’t coerced and she was just having a laugh or indulging her immature partner then end the friendship and move on.

There could be many reasons why she acted in this odd manner.

Her and her partner could be trying for a baby and realised your wedding day was a good day for trying and they seized the opportunity for intercourse.

She could be having troubles in his relationship and seeing you so happy and content might have made her feel insecure about her own situation making her want to have sex with her partner to prove to herself that actually they are ok.

You say they left early, how early? Was it 6pm and straight after speeches or was it 9pm midway through the disco? Weddings can be really long exhausting days especially if you’re part of the wedding party and have been up and getting ready since early in the morning. Some people just don’t have the stamina to be on the dance floor until midnight and that’s ok.

Wow what on earth happened to her? Maybe it was the new BF.

I would keep a low profile and see if she contacts.

Enjoy the honeymoon.

I'd be furious about leaving early. Yes she might be tired but she is bridal party and needs to stay as long as is appropriate. At very worst she needs to check in with you before leaving to see if you need anything. I also think the shoes situation in strange and wrong. As for the sex in the bridal suite, that is ridiculous. She is way out of order

You need to read the ops updates she only said no to the sparkly silver shoes. She said she could wear the same shoes she's wearing in a colour that suits her dress. It was the op paying for the dress and shoes if it was the moh paying for it then it would be a different story. Her MOH is meant to be a 'Friend' she should not have shagged in the bridal suite.

I reckon there has to be more to it then her being annoyed about the shoe thing. Like its not that big a deal imo but then Im not really a shoe person.

Maybe something else is up with her. How is she usually? Does she usually speak up if something is bugging her? Or maybe she didnt want to because it was your day but her resentment came out in anyway as can be hard to hide.

Or maybe she was letting loose a bit after a few months of stress being a MOH.

Enjoy youy honeymoon OP and hopefully you can speak to your friend after.

I think I would do the opposite @FromMissToMrs !!!
I think I would go on holiday, relax and have a lovely time and then see how you feel when you get back. distance and time can give you perspective on a problem and how you want to deal with it.
Have a great honeymoon and congratulations!

I think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time here with all the bridezillla accusations here!!

my best friend got married a couple of years ago, I was MOH and there was another bridesmaid. My best friend is literally the least bridezilla person ever, let us pick our dresses, decide on our hair, paid for everything including travel to venue and accommodation. Literally the easiest wedding I’ve been in the bridal party for. She’s also the sweetest and calmest person and never has any drama. Other bridesmaid suddenly distanced herself in the lead up to the wedding, avoided the bride after the ceremony, left early and didn’t say goodbye and hasn’t been in touch since.

There was personal stuff going on with bridesmaid (unrelated to bride) that I won’t say here as not my place, but she handled it awfully (although not so awfully to have sex in the bridal suite).

so just to give another case that just because a bridesmaid/moh is being shitty doesn’t mean that the bride has done anything wrong.

Im sorry about what happened OP, but I’m glad you had a wonderful day in spite of this and that you have a lovely honeymoon

So sorry you are getting such a kicking on MN.
Only the bravest open a thread!

Yanbu. Try and enjoy your honeymoon. She really isn't worth spoiling it over.

It's up to you what you go about this "friendship". I wouldn't bother with her when you get back. If she wants to redress the position she can contact you. If she doesn't, what have you lost?

Hi OP - congratulations! You sound lovely and not at all zilla-ish

She was shitty on a day that should have been centred around you.

I was MOH 3 days after my dad died and I held it all in and centred the bride - we had a lovely day. My point is that whatever she had going on it was her job to suck it up and put you first.

I'd leave her well alone and assume that the friendship was over. Sad but sometimes it's for the best. It's skid good that she's not in the pics so you don't have to have the memories shoved in your face going forward.

I hope you abc DH will be very happy together ❤️

OP was the bride, there was no need to wear the same shoes. That was done on purpose to make a snide statement. She is no friend, but I think I would want to know why she was such a cow and I'd message her at some point in the future to ask her.

The bride has first dibs on shoes in the day and the bridal party choses theirs around her.

And it’s you who’s the odd one of for not understanding that. Not the Op for not being very pleased about it.

The thing that rings alarm bells for me is that your list of things that annoyed you includes "she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested" - now who the fuck cares about that?

Rubbish. Anyone would be pissed off at their MOH wearing the exact same shoes as them. You want to feel special on your wedding day and things such as saying no to silver sparkles is absolutely fine too. None of this makes op sound like a bridezilla.

My guess is she’s jealous bc you are married and she’s not?? Is her dp reluctant to make it official?

Actually, I think wanting to add a sparkly belt and silver shoes to a bridesmaid outfit when it is very much not the vibe of the wedding is a bit "look at me" and upstagey. Going AWOL for parts of the wedding and having sex in the bridal suite could be seen as an escalation of jealous behaviour.

It seems like she was distracted by her boyfriend.

Neglecting her MOH role was very bad and her overall ignorance very disappointing. She was like an animal marking her territory in your wedding suite. She couldn't be sure that she wouldn't be caught, and maybe that was her intention?

There's no doubt that she affected your big day and she should be made aware of that. Glad you managed to have a great day, regardless

I wonder if he didn't know anyone/many people and so she was staying by him and that was why she was difficult to find. Could be that he was controlling that to an extent or that she was just a bit thoughtless and prioritising him rather than you/her role as MOH. The sex... well yeah, that's awful, but again if it's a relatively new relationship it might have been for the excitement etc. Not excusing it at all because it's completely inappropriate and disrespectful, again though it could have been done to please/appease him. Personally I'd tred carefully. If he isn't a nice person then you distancing yourself from her could be playing right into his hands. If she's usually kind, thoughtful and a good friend then I'd suggest something else is going on. And I don't think it's anything at all to do with the shoes!