To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Well, ye, if they'd gone to a different room it would behind a door....

This is why I declined to being a bridesmaid when my best friends got married. The pressure of being dressed up like a doll in a pile of shit I don't want to wear with expectations to be 'on call' all night rather than just relaxing as a guest... Hell no.

I think brides to be don't realise just how demanding they get and how wearing it is on everyone around them!

My own wedding was a bit of an elopement because I don't do wanting to be centre of attention or bossing people around.

My best friends put No pressure on me
I put none on them

every wedding I have attended, as the bride, bridesmaid or just a guest… I have loved.

Seems to be a very rare occurrence on mumsnet as so many seem to have “best friends” that neither party in friendship actually seems to like or even care about them!

Weddings are hellish these days aren't they. I remember when bridesmaids were still at primary school ditto page boys. Hen nights were a meal in a pub. Weddings finished after the reception. Now it's imo a massive con, only the venues win.

Or.. there are people like me who make it clear from the get go what they are happy to do or not. I took on the role of a bridesmaid in all but name when it came to arranging the hen do, I even paid for the minibus to get us all there and back.

I thoroughly enjoyed my best friend's wedding last year, just as a guest.

OP I think she behaved extremely badly and I’d be asking for an explanation when you return from your honeymoon. End of.

Because you knew your best friend would pressurise you

I knew there wasn’t a cat’s chance in hell my best friend would pressurise me to do a bloomin thing

Yes, a little boy or girl would be thriled to be asked and enjoy their time.

Hen night, a few friends round.

I was thinking something like this was happening too.

I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon and find out what was happening when you get back.

Erm no. I knew what was expected of a bridesmaid and I didn't want to do it because I would find it pressurising...

Someone women don't mind walking down the aisle with flowers, sitting at head tables, flitting around adjusting the brides dress for photos, wearing clothes picked out for them by another person, having someone do their make up and hair and so on.

None of that is for me. So instead of being the 'fussy' bridesmaid who kept saying no to everything, I opted out.

Sounds like OP friend should have done the same because she sounds pissed off with the whole shebang tbh.

Not excusing MOH. Just a reminder that people act in strange ways for many many reasons. It’s not always black and white.

What was “expected” of a bridesmaid is entirely down to the Bride. There’s no rule.

All I had to do was help with the very small hen do, and join her in the hotel suite in the morning getting ready! Bliss! We all wore our own dresses

Someone women don't mind walking down the aisle with flowers, sitting at head tables, flitting around adjusting the brides dress for photos, wearing clothes picked out for them by another person, having someone do their make up and hair and so on.

that was the kind of wedding your best friends had @MerlinsBeard1 ?

Giving her the title of Maid of Honour suggests she meant something to you. I'd say why not ask her before the friendship perishes? Either she'll have a good explanation for the things you listed and you can salvage it or she won't have a good excuse and you'll know walking away is the right thing. Clarity either way.

I would bet my last pound the new boyfriend was an absolute dickhead about attending the wedding. Not knowing anyone, not wanting to get to know anyone and probably spending the week running up to it threatening not to go unless they left early/she didn’t promise not to leave him on his own.

However I find it interesting that you immediately think your close friend is being a knob (without giving her some grace that there might be a reason). That your other friend felt it necessary to tell you immediately about the “heard them having sex” despite being begged not to (it could have waited until after your honeymoon when I assume there will be a friends catch up anyway) and that your husband seems to be getting involved in stirring the pot about what a bad friend she is.

If my mother had told me she’d heard the new boyfriend being harsh with my friend I’d text her immediately and ask if she was ok, because of what my mother had seen.
Leaving early could also be because she knew he’d kick off after drinking - so a sharp exit might have been a better outcome. Also what is leaving early? Straight after the ceremony, straight after the wedding breakfast or 8pm when the disco started?

If she has managed to get herself tied up with a controlling dickhead I hope she does have lots of other good friends around her in case she needs them.

Seriously?

Unless the bride is wearing shoes with Mrs on the soles or bridal similar... who notices???

Yes, seriously.

I don't get the issue with her leaving early. I bloody hate having to stay at parties when I'm tired. I get bored and ratty (and find myself getting anti social) and would rather go home to bed.

As for the shoes what an odd thing to get worked up over

The sex thing is odd, and not something I would do. But why did the other friend think it was her place to tell you, thereby causing issues for you and your friend.

I agree with this as an explanation for everything except the shoe thing. That seems to me calculating and deliberate, and nothing to do with a man wanting to control who she hangs around with, when they leave, etc.

Imagine being so bored with your husband after just 3 days that you need to vent about something on Mumsnet 🤣

She sounds very vulgar and common (because of the sex thing).

the rest of the ‘grievances’ - get over yourself, it’s just a wedding and you’re not the first person in the world to get married.

And here is someone who thinks the MOH did nothing wrong, that she'd do the same in her position.

Or… that poster would think the OP would be too excited about her honeymoon and too happy about what she thinks was a wonderful wedding this issue aside… to posting about this issue 3 days after she got married.

Rather than the poster thinking the MOH did “nothing wrong”

not on her honeymoon yet as i read it.

But the MOH did do something wrong didn’t she ?