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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner watching CCTV

137 replies

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

OP posts:
Merrygoround8 · 03/06/2025 04:02

Yes it’s awful, and please leave this man - why are you together?

junebirthdaygirl · 03/06/2025 04:05

You cannot have your teens terrified to upset a man who has nothing to do with them. Stop tip toeing around him. This is no life for them. The CCTV is the least of your worries.

PearTreeBoat · 03/06/2025 04:05

I mean legally he isn't doing anything wrong. You are all aware that the CCTV is there and recording, and he can watch whatever parts of that he wishes.

The issue here isn't whether he is allowed to watch the CCTV, its the fact that he IS watching it. He is then seemingly using it to either catch you and your kids out or to gaslight you, neither of which is good.

I really would suggest LTB as he seems incredibly controlling and nobody should feel they have to watch what they say or walk round on eggshells in their own home.

Notsosure1 · 03/06/2025 04:06

If it’s for security why do you need audible in the garden? Could you switch it off? It sounds like he would just switch it on again though. He must be awful to live with. How terrible you can’t have a conversation in your own garden! Does he need a reminder that coercive control is illegal now?

Landlubber2019 · 03/06/2025 04:10

What was the purpose of the CCTV? Unfortunately by it's own presence, recordings may be watched by any person with access. I would be most unhappy with this set up, but it seems that this is just part of a bigger picture which needs addressing in terms of why are you remaining in a relationship with a men who you admit terrifies you and your children.

NotNowFGS · 03/06/2025 04:23

It seems controlling because it is controlling. I'm not sure what your question is but if it's are me and my children living in an intolerable situation with an unhappy wierdo then the answer is yes. Not sure what you can do about it though. You have already asked him not to it and he won't stop. You say his behaviour impacts the whole family and you have had to ask the DC to be careful about what they say and do in their own home. Sounds like a potentially dangerous situation OP. I'd be considering LTB.

ThatsCute · 03/06/2025 04:30

You have subjected your DC to a man who is recording them in their own home. You have warned your DC not to have conversations in their own garden because they are being monitored. YABU for bringing this man into your DCs’ lives.

Renabrook · 03/06/2025 04:31

OP be totally honest if we said ''sure sounds fine it is totally normal no idea why you think it is odd'' what would your first instinct be?

do you really think this is normal?

Flashahah · 03/06/2025 04:34

He’s not using it for “security”‘he’s using it to control and cause issues.

Get rid of “DH”, he’s awful.

Never2many · 03/06/2025 04:34

Another woman putting a man before her kids. FGS.

If he lives there he doesn’t need permission to watch the CCTV - it’s not private footage if it’s in your garden. But your kids hate him and you have them adjusting their behaviour because of him.

Why are you with a man who your existing children can’t stand?

Why did you have another child with this man? - oh wait let me guess, an “unexpected” pregnancy?

FGS OP it your kids first for once in their lives and dum this prick.

Lindajonesjustcantlivemylife · 03/06/2025 04:36

He's a nut plain and simple.

Soal · 03/06/2025 04:38

PearTreeBoat · 03/06/2025 04:05

I mean legally he isn't doing anything wrong. You are all aware that the CCTV is there and recording, and he can watch whatever parts of that he wishes.

The issue here isn't whether he is allowed to watch the CCTV, its the fact that he IS watching it. He is then seemingly using it to either catch you and your kids out or to gaslight you, neither of which is good.

I really would suggest LTB as he seems incredibly controlling and nobody should feel they have to watch what they say or walk round on eggshells in their own home.

She said is it wrong, not is it legal, and it is wrong, as anyone can see.

Mymanyellow · 03/06/2025 04:46

Poor fucking kids. Again. Please put your kids first this isn’t the only thing he does I bet, you say yourself you’re all tiptoeing round him. Just leave.

monktasmic · 03/06/2025 04:48

He sounds like a dangerous and controlling lunatic.
You need to protect yourself and your kids by getting away from him.

Itcosthowmuch · 03/06/2025 05:07

“he [my 14 year old] had moved the target without asking”
plus your DP uses CCTV to spy on you all and hold you to account
JFC. I am surprised your teenagers haven’t rebelled.
Join hands with your children and RUN - fast.

Wakeywakey678 · 03/06/2025 05:15

On the flip side of the replies so far, whose house is it? You lied to him and your child moved the target area for the basketball. I'd be pretty cross if my child threw a ball where they weren't supposed to and ended up damaging the house, so in order to be proactive I don't think it's unreasonable to have a designated basketball area. Why did your DC move it? Also, what was the lie you told? How truthful are you in your relationship with your DP? It doesn't sound as though your relationship is healthy if you aren't kind, respectful and honest with one another - on both parts (as you did lie to him).

I'm not saying whether he was right or wrong to confront your DC or you about the lying / moving the tape, but if you don't have mutual respect or trust in one another (as you are lying, just as he is frustrated and acting on his anger) why are you together? A healthy relationship is built on strong communication.

Neededa · 03/06/2025 05:16

Bloody hell mate. What a number he’s done on you?
You are here asking whether it’s legal or not for him to control you and your children ?
Does not matter one iota whether it’s legal or not, it is totally unacceptable and out of order for him to treat any of you like this.
You absolutely need the wonderful women of mumsnet to support you to get out of this xxxx

Forestbathing12 · 03/06/2025 05:17

This sounds extremely controlling and downright creepy. You and your dc are not safe op please leave. He might be monitoring other things too, your phone, tracking, internal cameras. This is unlikely to be the only thing. Please leave.

Forestbathing12 · 03/06/2025 05:18

Coercive control is an offence. So no it’s not legal at all.

PruthePrune · 03/06/2025 05:23

Your kids dislike him and you've gone on and had another with him. JFC. Instead of dick pandering, put your children first.

sesquipedalian · 03/06/2025 05:24

“we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.”

This is no atmosphere to be living in - your older children have no time for your DP, and you are all tiptoeing around for fear of upsetting him. You are being spied on in your own garden, and you state that your partner is “controlling”. Is this really how you want to bring up your children? In an atmosphere like this, the older ones will leave at the first opportunity and won’t come back. And do you wish to live in a household where you are constantly treading on eggshells for fear of upsetting him? You really need to assess your relationship - this is no way of living, as you seem to be realising.

Shoxfordian · 03/06/2025 05:37

He sounds really controlling

Call women's aid for advice and leave him

Muffinmam · 03/06/2025 05:37

You are not safe.

Your partner is spying on your children. It’s actually very very sick.

pilates · 03/06/2025 05:39

“For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.“

He is damaging you and your family - please leave.

EllasNonny · 03/06/2025 05:41

WTF have I just read? You've presumably (as you have a 5yo), had your teens exposed to this control freak for years. You don't sneak into the garden, as in the first incident, for a conversation unless he scares you.
How are you justifying making your DC grow up like this? They'll leave as soon as they can and stay gone if they've any sense. You are failing them.