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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner watching CCTV

137 replies

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

OP posts:
Renabrook · 03/06/2025 08:08

The whole thing sounds ridiculous but again it appears when a man does it it is considered controlling a women getting their ducks in a row and understandable because he has broken trust

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 03/06/2025 08:16

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

‘For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.’

This is the most telling sentence in your post, you and your children shouldn’t be terrified of anyone living in their house for any reason, it is not normal.

Please speak to someone you can trust and get yourself and your children away from this man at the earliest opportunity. If you don’t have anyone get in touch with Women’s Aid. Good luck.

Imbusytodaysorry · 03/06/2025 08:17

@teenagersandalittleone Jesus Christ op do you really need to ask about this man. He is a huge walking flag.
Your poor kids.

I don’t think it’s illegal you know about the cctv as it’s on your property does he have a cctv sign up ?
Please leave this man he is a horrible control freak . I bet there is a full story to his behaviour and your “relationship”

Heronwatcher · 03/06/2025 08:20

Why are you letting this awful man terrorise your kids? Never mind the CCTV he sounds like a nasty controlling bully. Get yourself and your kids out.

Justsomethoughts23 · 03/06/2025 08:27

ThatsCute · 03/06/2025 04:30

You have subjected your DC to a man who is recording them in their own home. You have warned your DC not to have conversations in their own garden because they are being monitored. YABU for bringing this man into your DCs’ lives.

☝🏼☝🏼☝🏼
Seriously what are you playing at doing this to your children.

Channellingsophistication · 03/06/2025 08:30

You and your DCs can't live feeling terrified of upsetting him. You have said he has no time for your DCs.

You need to make plans to leave. Have you any family support who could help you? Do you have a job? Have you any savings?

please look to get some help to leave

LIZS · 03/06/2025 08:30

The cctv is irrelevant. He is controlling and gaslighting you and your dc. Why is he in your lives?

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 08:31

Caerulea · 03/06/2025 08:08

Ahh so there are women out there who ARE suited to abusive & controlling relationships?

Gotcha

Show quote history

Wherever did you get that from!

Isometimeswonder · 03/06/2025 08:37

Never2many · 03/06/2025 04:34

Another woman putting a man before her kids. FGS.

If he lives there he doesn’t need permission to watch the CCTV - it’s not private footage if it’s in your garden. But your kids hate him and you have them adjusting their behaviour because of him.

Why are you with a man who your existing children can’t stand?

Why did you have another child with this man? - oh wait let me guess, an “unexpected” pregnancy?

FGS OP it your kids first for once in their lives and dum this prick.

Came here to say exactly this.
Poor kids.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 03/06/2025 08:39

Leave this crazy man!

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 08:42

prelovedusername · 03/06/2025 08:31

Wherever did you get that from!

Show quote history

Obviously there aren't. The poster was making a sarcastic reply to a comment which said that the OP and her partner 'weren't suited'.

FuckityFux · 03/06/2025 08:43

FGS, Your teens have more cop on than you OP.

Poor kids. 😢 What an awful childhood they’re having to endure because their mum willingly puts up with a shitty man and minimises their suffering

Why is your judgement so poor? Do you honestly think this is normal? Have you always lived with abusive men?

You’re ruining all of your kids lives and for what?

HE HAS TO GO!!

CautiousLurker01 · 03/06/2025 08:46

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

I personally think that both you and your children have indicated that you do not consent to the use of CCTV - ie you have withdrawn your consent. It is perfectly reasonable to insist that it is deactivated when you are home and only in operation when the house is empty, or at night when people are asleep (ie it is used entirely for security purposes, which I assume is why you installed it in the first place). The misuse of the facility and the fact that he is observing it for other reasons strikes me as being, in legal terms, an invasion of your children’s provacy. It may also be illegal as they are both minors so the recording of them in their home (ie not in a public space) without their consent is an invasion of privacy. I’d seek a legal opinion… but simpler to kick him out.

luckylavender · 03/06/2025 08:47

Put your children first. You know what to do.

TheGrimSmile · 03/06/2025 08:54

Jesus's Christ! What the fuck are you doing with this man? Your poor children. This is abusive. The fact that he has CCTV everywhere is fucking weird! Surely you can see that? The fact that you all have to tiptoe round him is abusive. You need help and you need to get your children away from this man.

JLou08 · 03/06/2025 08:56

Watching CTV you put up on your own land is not an issue. The context here is very alarming though, he sounds so controlling. I can't imagine how much anxiety you and your teens much live with every day with this man. You need to contact womens aid discreetly and work on getting you and your children out of that situation.

TheGrimSmile · 03/06/2025 08:59

This man is so fucking creepy, it sounds like something from a horror film. He'll be locking them all in the cellar next.

Motherofdragons24 · 03/06/2025 09:02

“For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.”

tbh OP I don’t the rest is irrelevant.

why are you allowing a man to live with your kids who “terrifies” them by making the house unbearable with his moods.

Circless · 03/06/2025 09:05

You are in a Coercive control situation and so are those poor children.
He records and watches you, then berates you and you are all terrified.

This is Coercive control which is a crime.

Get on to Women's aid and talk about reporting him to the police.
You might be eligible for legal aid to help you.

Take action now.
This is a bad man.

BigDeepBreaths · 03/06/2025 09:08

Don’t be surprised when your DC move away and cut you off at the first opportunity they get. I cannot imagine the anger I would feel if my parent subjected me to a relationship like this in my home, that should be my safe space.

Velmy · 03/06/2025 09:09

He sounds like an absolute freak. Why are you inflicting this on your children?

Wildflower2467 · 03/06/2025 09:11

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/06/2025 06:52

Tell me you don’t understand coercive control without telling me you don’t understand coercive control … fucking hell, this is exactly the argument a man like this will use to justify his spying and his rage over tiny infringements of his ‘rules’. ‘You made me do this because you lied and now I can’t trust you’ - cue justifiable escalation.

The OP and her children only keep stupid little ‘secrets’ like this because they’re terrified of his reaction, and his mood totally dominates the household. In what world is this normal?

OP, I’m sorry but you owe it to your children to get them out of this shitshow and away from him. You’ve probably already spent years tying yourself in knots to justify and excuse his behaviour and keep the peace (although it sounds like your older kids had his number from the start), but there is no excuse.

You get one life and so do your children, and enduring a miserable, soul-sapping, treading-on-eggshells existence under the control of an angry man is no way to spend it.

Show quote history

100% agree.

MyGoldDreamer · 03/06/2025 09:14

Saying this as a now 30 year old woman with 4 children 5th due next month.
My "mother" always put some man strangely all seemed to have serious mental health issues, before the 3 children she had, the last one before I left home at 15 was an absolute manic.
Similar to how you describe your "dh".

Yes you have a child with this man but that doesn't mean you have to stay and live this, you can give all of your children and yourself a much more peaceful life.
I bet you sit trying to have a conversation with your older children all the while your minds not fully there because you're listening to hear if he is coming.

Honestly I've been through a lot with these things. As a child and adult.
I am know no contact with my "mother" she put a man before my children who she kept hidden from us but didn't keep us hidden from him, he turned up at the doorstep accusing my dh of allsorts. My children were terrified so I cut all ties with her.
She done it to me, she's not allowed to mess around with my children. Nearly 2 years on and I've never felt inner peace like this, it's beautiful.
Unfortunate my children don't have a grandmother, but I wont sit and watch her repeat it all with my own kids.

All in all, I really from what you've said. You for your children's sake should really find a way out.
Sending virtual hugs&support.

Itsseweasy · 03/06/2025 09:23

Your poor, you poor teenagers. You brought this horribly abusive, controlling man into their lives, now what are you going to do about it?
I have no time for anyone who puts a “man” above their kids security and comfort.

LBFseBrom · 03/06/2025 09:26

I understand that you have a five year old together but, frankly, you can do without this man who sounds thoroughly appalling.