AIBU - partner watching CCTV

[teenagersandalittleone]

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

Omg you know this is cohesive control?! I'd leave. Get rid of him.

Honestly. I know these type of posts are all too frequent on MN but I'll never get over how sad/despairing it is to read them.
I just cannot fathom making a conscious choice to have someone in my children's lives that they don't like and for good reason. He is absolutely spoiling their childhood - imagine not being able to throw a ball in a certain place without fear of CCTV and reprisals. A simple pleasure of chucking a ball turns into this. I can only imagine what else he spoils for them.

It actually makes me so cross. Choose your children OP. You shouldn't have to be told this but it seems you do. Only you have the power to remove this person from their lives - they are reliant on you as their parent and "protector".

Has everyone missed that she was caught out lying to him? He’s controlling but she’s also deceitful and that may be a major trigger for him. It would be for me.

It’s an unhealthy dynamic for her children to witness and they would be better off out of this situation.

Lying about what though? It might be something equally pretty as the tape on the wall/fence.

The partner sounds unhinged.

The fact that you are wondering if this is ok behaviour is worrying. It says to me that you are deep into an abusive relationship where this type of control is normalised.
You and your children deserve better than this. Please start reading up on domestic abuse and contact women’s aid who can advise you.

This isnt about the target on the wall and the potential of it being moved at all

it is about his being a controlling (likely) narcissist

let me guess. He moved in with you and your children and then made sure his feet were firmly under the table by having a child with you. Are you allowed this even though your own children don't like him. Now he is trying to control everything everyone does.

Why don't you put your older children first and get rid of this man?

The OP’s partner can’t trust her because he caught her out in a lie. Doesn’t matter how big or petty the lie was, he now feels the need to check up on her. It’s brought out a very controlling side of him and she should heed the warning.

Moved in after a few weeks of dating

He's a seriously weird control freak.

Leave the bastard, for the sake of your children and your future sanity.

What an awful man to have around your children.
No child should have to worry about this sort of thing.
You must realise it's not normal.

All of this. The situation you have put them in is appalling

He sounds a horrible, controlling creature and an awful environment for your two older children.

I’m not a big one for LTB, but it’s thoroughly deserved here - you are walking on eggshells and actually wondering if your husband reviewing cctv of your conversations and children is unreasonable - of course it is!

The controlling behaviour precedes the lie, it wasn't caused by it. Agree with others, it makes me sad and angry to read the numerous posts like this. So many children subjected to awful abusive childhoods and home lives and too many women unwilling or incapable of putting their children's needs first.

This is very strange behaviour. What a horrible controlling man.

What the fuck?? Why are you letting this man control your children like this. I have kids the same age as yours and they’d be terrified to live like this.

Poor kids. Please leave him. He is going to be watching everything. I couldn’t live on pins like this. My dad was the same, thank god it was before cameras where everywhere.

I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner
Your teens have the right idea.
You need to get rid.

Given the fact moving a piece of tape is enough for the Spanish inquisition & that OP is having to hide to talk to her own children cos this man scares the shit out of them yes, there will be lies about the most utterly mundane things!

OP - if you can't leave to protect yourself then leave to protect your children, all 3 of them.

This is horrific, please get yourself and your kids out

Any particular reason you are putting him above your poor kids?

Then this exactly why they aren’t compatible.

Ahh so there are women out there who ARE suited to abusive & controlling relationships?

Gotcha

"For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family"

Women in abusive relationships and children in abusive homes often have to lie. The control gets tighter and tighter and the behaviour more unreasonable. They are walking on eggshells to keep the peace.