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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - partner watching CCTV

137 replies

teenagersandalittleone · 03/06/2025 03:59

Backstory - I have 2 teens from previous relationship - 17&14 - neither have time for my partner and we have a 5 year old together.

my partner has previously watched the CCTV of me having a conversation with my son in our garden and said it was evidence I lied to him. This was done without my permission but did prove I lied to him. For context, we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family. Asked him never to do this again.

roll on last night, he watched the cctv from the garden from Sunday night as he said he wanted to check something my 14 year old had done to see if he moved something - he put a taped square on a wall that he uses to throw a rugby ball to as a target. He then uses this to have a loaded conversation with my 14 year old and me that he has moved the target without asking and if he misses will break something. Again, this was watched without permission or asking.

I realises this sounds ridiculous but am I right in thinking that watching cctv without our permission or is being aware is wrong. I have had to tell my kids that they cannot have conversations in the garden as I don’t know if he will listen in. He says that this is because he cannot trust but it seems controlling and he’s setting us all up to fail.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/06/2025 05:43

You need to leave this man. I know it’s hard. I was in a similar position (no watching CCTV, but arguments and treating my son badly, then switching to ignoring him completely) as I had 2 young DC with my partner, but I couldn’t stand by any longer and let him treat my son badly. Once I noticed he was ignoring him, I confronted him, spoke to my son about it and well that was the end of that. I left.

This was 15yrs ago, and I still think about how awful that time was. I still feel guilty I didn’t leave as soon as I noticed there was a problem. Fortunately DS1 and I are still close, him and ex buried the hatchet and even went on a holiday together a few years after and we managed to co-parent the DC well. They are well adjusted happy young adults. I don’t regret leaving one bit, only wish i’d left sooner.

4kids3pets · 03/06/2025 05:44

Maybe you should have taken the fact your kids don't like him before you started a relationship but hey you didn't put them first. Anyhow you lied so don't expect him to believe anything Without seeing now you've made it worse

LurkyMcLurkinson · 03/06/2025 05:47

Please don’t allow your children to grow up in a climate of fear and tension, where they learn to tiptoe around someone who could at any minute blow and to modify their behaviour to avoid angering someone. That’s incredibly damaging for children and can have lifelong consequences for them in terms of their mental health, understanding of healthy relationships etc.
Does anyone in your life know what’s happening with your relationship? Have you ever completed the freedom programme?

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/06/2025 05:52

So he only checked it before because OP lied to him and got caught out. I think I'd have trust issues too if my partner lied so much that I had to go to the lengths of watching my own cctv just to get the truth. I'd like to think my partner wouldn't lie then keep the lie going so long that i had to go through all that performance to get the truth out of them. I think you've set this dynamic up yourself by lying. Your actions caused his suspicion and now you're surprised he doesn't trust you. If you're not happy leave but lying is not going to bring trust into a relationship.

Neededa · 03/06/2025 06:04

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/06/2025 05:52

So he only checked it before because OP lied to him and got caught out. I think I'd have trust issues too if my partner lied so much that I had to go to the lengths of watching my own cctv just to get the truth. I'd like to think my partner wouldn't lie then keep the lie going so long that i had to go through all that performance to get the truth out of them. I think you've set this dynamic up yourself by lying. Your actions caused his suspicion and now you're surprised he doesn't trust you. If you're not happy leave but lying is not going to bring trust into a relationship.

WTAF

Blueblell · 03/06/2025 06:08

Can you get rid of the cameras or switch them off when you are home if they are for security.

Sometimeinadifferentworld · 03/06/2025 06:10

Your partner comes over as extremely frightening and actually mentally unwell.

I echo pp that this is no way for children, or yourself OP, to live.

As you say you are terrified of this man please contact Women's Aid for help and support.

Fuzziduck · 03/06/2025 06:11

Your poor kids. Why are you subjecting them to this! You need to end the relationship, and get on with it.

Maray1967 · 03/06/2025 06:12

Put your DC first and get out of this relationship.

If I was your DD I would leave home as soon as possible and never come back. You risk losing all your DC if you don’t get rid of this vile man.

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 06:18

What a diabolical home environment for these children

oncimesmask · 03/06/2025 06:19

You forced your children to live with a man they are not comfortable with who everyone is terrified of upsetting . This man spies on you all and looks for reasons to be angry with you. He gets annoyed about small petty things.

Why are you with him? How would you feel if your children end up with someone like him? What life lessons are you teaching your children by staying with a man like this?

Tubs11 · 03/06/2025 06:27

we are all terrified of upsetting him as it Impacts the whole family.

Isn't that alone enough to leave?

Bananalanacake · 03/06/2025 06:33

Why are you allowing your DC to live with a man they're terrified of? Whose house is it.

bluecurtains14 · 03/06/2025 06:35

Why did you move in and procreate with a controlling arsehole that your kids hate?

WonderingWanda · 03/06/2025 06:38

Why are you with him?

screwyou · 03/06/2025 06:38

Your poor poor children. OP it is up to you to protect them from this shit. Get the hell out of there for their sake if not your own. Can you not see how wrong this all is?

lunar1 · 03/06/2025 06:39

What an awful life your children live, their childhood wasted having to live with this man.

Copperlightning · 03/06/2025 06:49

You are a terrible parent if you don’t up and leave immediately. You don’t have any excuse that justifies staying. If you leave now your kids might forgive you for subjecting them to this crazy man, but you are fast running out of time to salvage a future relationship with them.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 03/06/2025 06:52

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 03/06/2025 05:52

So he only checked it before because OP lied to him and got caught out. I think I'd have trust issues too if my partner lied so much that I had to go to the lengths of watching my own cctv just to get the truth. I'd like to think my partner wouldn't lie then keep the lie going so long that i had to go through all that performance to get the truth out of them. I think you've set this dynamic up yourself by lying. Your actions caused his suspicion and now you're surprised he doesn't trust you. If you're not happy leave but lying is not going to bring trust into a relationship.

Tell me you don’t understand coercive control without telling me you don’t understand coercive control … fucking hell, this is exactly the argument a man like this will use to justify his spying and his rage over tiny infringements of his ‘rules’. ‘You made me do this because you lied and now I can’t trust you’ - cue justifiable escalation.

The OP and her children only keep stupid little ‘secrets’ like this because they’re terrified of his reaction, and his mood totally dominates the household. In what world is this normal?

OP, I’m sorry but you owe it to your children to get them out of this shitshow and away from him. You’ve probably already spent years tying yourself in knots to justify and excuse his behaviour and keep the peace (although it sounds like your older kids had his number from the start), but there is no excuse.

You get one life and so do your children, and enduring a miserable, soul-sapping, treading-on-eggshells existence under the control of an angry man is no way to spend it.

CopperWhite · 03/06/2025 06:52

What were you doing letting your children live with a man like this. Your younger child might be stuck with him for a father but the other two aren’t and it is your job to protect them.

PearTreeBoat · 03/06/2025 06:56

Soal · 03/06/2025 04:38

She said is it wrong, not is it legal, and it is wrong, as anyone can see.

Show quote history

And I have blatantly agreed that it is wrong, try reading my full post.

Serpentstooth · 03/06/2025 07:01

You're living with a paranoid, controlling sociopath and all you're worried about is the cctv? I despair.

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 07:03

I can't see that it would be wrong or illegal for him to watch CCTV footage without the permission of whoever is on it - isn't that the whole point of CCTV? But it's definitely creepy and controlling for him to use it in this way. He needs to go. That's awful.

Thatfirstcoff · 03/06/2025 07:05

Fuzziduck · 03/06/2025 06:11

Your poor kids. Why are you subjecting them to this! You need to end the relationship, and get on with it.

Even if she leaves, these children will still have a parent who prioritises love life over them.

So if not him, it will be someone else.

Sadly, that is some children’s lot in life

LillyPJ · 03/06/2025 07:06

I couldn't live in a house where I know everything is potentially being watched and may be used against me. How can you bear it?