To feel sad after rejection from school Mum

[Cafeshops]

DS is finishing Year 1 in school, he is best friends with another little boy since reception. Despite efforts the boys mother has shown no interest in playdates etc, ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco. Her responses are usually friendly but just stating she's busy.
That's all fine, I know people have busy lifes but ive noticed recently she's ignoring me at events and almost being rude. Ive passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello, she was cordial but I wouldn't say friendly. Another school event she basically walked past me and sat with another group and I noticed she came over to a few people to chat briefly during the event but ignored me, despite me sitting not very far from others she spoke with. My DS is quite keen on this other boy and they would be close in school according to the teacher.
AIBU to feel sad about this? Im not sure what else I can do without coming across as full on as she clearly doesn't want even a friendly relationship with me despite seeming friendly with lots of other school mums from the class.

I don't dislike her. I just don't feel comfortable with her. I find her too saccharine with me (to be fair, that's just her way; she's like that with everyone). She's not someone I choose to spend my time with; again that's on me, not her.

She's avoiding you because she doesn't want to have to give another excuse. Take the hint. I don't mean to be harsh, but she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you. If your boys are friends, fine, but school is for their social development, not for you or any parents to expand their social circle. The boys may not even stay friends as they're so young.

I don't understand parents who are so keen to make friends with their children's friends' parents.

I did go over and say a quick hello,

Why did you do this?

Exactly. So many people seem to have a really hard time with the idea that their children can have friendships without them needing to have a parallel friendship with the mum.

Kids will (usually) make friends at their own pace. It isn't necessary, beyond basic facilitation and friendliness, for the mums to also become best friends. In fact its often much easier if they aren't.

It is definitely regression to some unresolved playground trauma. People need to stop seeing their kids' social lives as some sort of projection of their own.

I know someone like this too - I just don't feel comfortable around her. I'm not rude if we're in a social situation, though thankfully that's rarer these days, but I'd never seek her out either.
I always feel drained after seeing her too.

'She's avoiding you because she doesn't want to have to give another excuse. Take the hint. I don't mean to be harsh, but she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you. If your boys are friends, fine, but school is for their social development, not for you or any parents to expand their social circle.'

Kids like to play with their friends out of school! Put them first.

This whole 'she doesn't want to be friends with you' is so childish.

Many of my dc's friends parents weren't my friends but we were perfectly able to chat over coffee until they were old enough to be left which tbh at y1 I'd say they are anyway.

Don't take it personally OP even though it is hard not to. You've done nothing wrong but try and be friendly and for whatever reason she's not reciprocated your efforts. Take a step back, encourage your son to widen his friendship circle and chat to other mums who seem more open and friendly.
People are sometimes weird...honestly don't worry!

None so queer as folk Op.
We had a real motley crew of different personalities at my DD’s primary. Some were just plain odd.
Just ignore and try to widen your circle

I'd be actively avoiding someone with this mindset, if I'm totally honest.

You’ve had a lucky escape, she is a weirdo and her son is naughty 🤣 encourage other friendships, and find other mum friends.

We have no idea if the other mum’s boy wants to play out of school. My year 3 son does not enjoy play dates with most kids- he’ll go to two houses who are neighbours but who he knows there is no pressure to stay if he wants to come home. People take it personally if you say he doesn’t want a play date, especially as they know he’ll go to the other houses. It’s the same with hosting as we couldn’t plan it in advance as some days he has just had enough of people and wants to chill.

I don’t personally agree with people saying you should’ve stopped inviting after the first time. People have busy lives and I don’t think you should feel the pressure to drop everything when invited for a play date or they’ll never ask again! I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all, but it does sound like for whatever reason, she doesn’t want to be friends. That’s her business though, you sound lovely and don’t let her change your friendly nature, as the right mums will be so glad to have another friendly mum inviting them to multiple play dates - I would be grateful!

OP she has shown you who she is - don’t worry about it. Focus on the boys and facilitate their friendship where you can. Parental friendships via school can be really tricky and I get how it can make you feel bad, but this person doesn’t sound particularly kind and you wouldn’t want their friendship anyway.

Just tell them! Rather than sloping around playing fields and being rude like this parent just a clear 'thanks so much for the invite but my dc just doesn't like having a social life thanks again'.

@Cafeshops Not being funny but not every parent is into playdates. I had surgery and was pestered by a mother over playdates. My weekend with my child is our time, I work and he's at school during the week. I couldn't think of anything worse than going to a playdate. Maybe she doesn't want to explain herself and because you were so insistent and persistent she is removing herself from the situation. I ended up having to avoid the other mother that kept asking me too.

The other lady hasn't shown 'who she is' any more than OP has.
OP was fine to ask a couple of times.
The other mum was fine to say no.
It's now become awkward, probably due to continued asking.

What a reach. 🫣

I disagree, I think ignoring people is rude. The person doesn’t have to have play dates or be a friend but she shouldn’t be avoiding eye contact and obviously avoiding.

I say that as someone with severe social anxiety and Audhd who really struggles with other people. The other parent isn’t being a good person, in my opinion.

To be honest for me the conversation has turned too much about friendship.

There's being friendly vs developing a friendship. At my time so far at the school gates, I'm not sure there's a single Mum I will remain friends with after DC moves on to new schools etc. But in this phase of my life - the parents of the children in DC's class are important.

I suppose I view other Mum's a bit like work colleagues. It would simply not be ok to take instant, or unjustified dislikes to people. It would not be acceptable to act in an excluding manner, blank people or actively try to avoid someone (even if they were pursuing you for a meeting and/or you didn't really like them).

In work mostly people are friendly, inclusive, and collaborative and it's much easier and nicer being that way and we have a lovely office culture. There are on occasion the 'difficult people' but you do your best to navigate them.

This is essentially how I approach parents, teachers, extra curricular parents/instructors and anyone else I need to be in association with while I raise my DC.

You can be open, friendly and inclusive without entertaining a friendship.

You can decline a playdate without leaving one Mum sat on the sidelines at a sports event. You can say no to a coffee, and still move with grace and wave/smile and exchange chit chat at the school gate (even if you've declined several times - you can still do this. You can say - I'm very sorry we just don't have the time at weekends and still turn up perfectly friendly and pleasant at the next event).

You can have a group of Mum friends which you do enjoy spending time, and which you may have a WhatsApp group and you can also see a lone Mum stood at the school gates and you can move to include her in the general waiting for the bell chatter.

That's being socially aware vs socially inept. If people can't switch and flex like this in social places then you are socially inept.

Not taking no for an answer is equally rude though. The other lady is extracting herself from the continued requests.

She’s asked her two times with months apart. It’s not like she has been badgering her on a weekly basis.

I agree that it's best just to be a decent human, however maybe the other mum is worried that even friendliness will result in more unwanted requests for playdates or a deeper friendship?

I do tell people and some, i suspect people like you, take it personally. My child has a social life- just not the one that you think is acceptable. He has it on his terms!

I'm genuinely interested... When your kid is asked for a playdate do you actually think that's because the parent likes you. I genuinely couldn't give a shit whether another parent likes me or not. If you want friendly chat I'm up for that. However my invites for playdates are based purely on what I think my dd wants/needs. They don't actually get that much chance to socialise in school so of course I'm going to attempt to facilitate them spending quality time together outside school. It's a vital part of a child's development and wellbeing that they have nice friends and that they're able to independently choose these friends surely?

Oh I'd never take it personally I'd just feel sorry for their dc.

Interacting with school parents help our dc have friendships outside school which they like.

You click with some and become friends others its a smile and a wave at drop off. People need to stop overthinking it.