Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Have you got someone you can call for moral support while you pack up his stuff, potentially change the locks. If hes walked out with his son use the time wisely. This whole thing is a small blip but a major issue with how he communicates and makes decisions without you or your consent.

Absolutely YANBU - being the parent of an autistic kid is hard enough when it's your own child. Absolutely no one should be railroaded into that position, and tbh a lot of this terrible behavious is going to be because the child isn't coping with the environment either. You need to throw your boyfriend and child out, literally out of the house right now. They can go and present at the emergency Local Authority service for housing as homeless. The relationship needs to be over, he has no respect for you whatsoever, there is no possibility of a good relationship.

Of course you can kick him out. The child can return to his mother - or if not, relevant authorities will certainly ensure the child is housed. The man can get an AirBnb or stay with a friend or perhaps the council will house him, but regardless it's not your problem.

Stop faffing around on Mumsnet and go and pack their bags.

The relationship is finished.

Enjoy some peace with your dog

You have got yourself a cocklodger who will never leave, it's time to put your foot down now.

It is not your responsibility to house this man, or his child.

You need to tell this man to pack his bags. I actually can’t believe the comment he made about your poor dog.

This man has absolutely no respect for you or your home. Has he stormed out of the house or just the room?

Can you get him to leave tonight? Obviously this will probably be the end of your relationship, but this man clearly has no respect for you so why would you even want to be in a relationship with him?

I have so many questions.

Why has he lost his place?
How has he just decided to have him - what has the mum said?
Why isn’t he at school?
Why isn’t he disciplining him at all?

Why are you still with him?

You're being used and you need to stand up to him. He's got in to your home now and he has absolutely no intention of going anywhere. He's treating you dreadfully and will continue to do so, you will be providing everything for both of them if you do not stand up to him immediately and throw him out, think of it as investing in your future. This man is not the one for you, get rid. Have you anyone who will support you in making sure he leaves? Please please take the advice and get rid of him. He will make your life miserable.

I totally disagree. At the end of the day the dad doesn’t even live at the home or pay bills and OP is not married to him therefore OP is not expected to consider that at this time.
If the dad wants his son living with him he should have his own home and job to take care of his child. And if i’m the future they did live together then the dad should be discussing with her not just bringing child to live in her home without permission!

I'd be telling him to pack his shit and get out .

If you don’t have anyone to help you get them out I wouldn’t hesitate to ring the police and ask for their help, you and your poor dog are being abused in your own home.

He's essentially homeless, he is an idiot to take his child out of school and to OP's place when he's not even supposed to be living there. I feel annoyed on your behalf op, he sounds supremely selfish

Honestly everyone telling OP that she isn't cut out to be a stepmum is being really OTT. Planning a life together, having a plan for how that will work out, that is a whole process if you are taking it seriously. Loads of us do not want to live our lives in some kind of serendipitous "oh look the stork landed a 6 yr old in my lap, this is my life now!" way.

OP's partner has dropped his child, FULL TIME IN HER HOUSE, no school no regular schedule, just "here, I, me, the big I AM have decided I am having my son full time now, which OF COURSE means the woman in my life must also immediately accept this massive change. Never mind that this isn't my house nd she's currently doing me a favour my letting me stay."

Your 'partner' needs to find his own place ASAP. This is far too much, too soon. If he wants to get his autistic son settled, find him a school and get his support network in place, that's lovely. He needs to go and do that, though, and stop expecting you to pick up his slack.

And yes, I have an autistic son, husband, and I work with autistic children. I am appalled at this father's behaviour, unless there's some drip feed about him rescuing this child from an abusive situation. Even then, he needs to take charge, get his own place, and start building a home where his son will feel safe.

I’d feel the same way as you. Your dp does not get to dictate who lives in your house.

Kick them both out. The child is not your responsibility, and dp has disrespected you.

Does the mum know where he is though? I think you have a responsibility here as it is your house, if you have a new place, and he has refused to send him back he may not have told her where they are and disappeared, which is child abduction.

Have you got any way of checking that she is okay with this?

THIS - just do it and stop dithering. He'll find somewhere to go and if he causes a ruction outside your door, call the police and they'll remove him. They won't let the child sleep on the streets so you needn't feel guilty about booting them both out.

Clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc

I'd be telling him he's correct on both counts & tell him to leave. If he wont, call the police

He is walking all over you and you’re letting him!

He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you, to treat you like this! You are just a convenient home for him and his son. He screamed at you and you’re sat in your bedroom while your poor dog is being terrorised?!

Put your big girl pants on and tell him to get the fuck out of your house and take his son with him tonight. Call the police to remove him if you need to, but get him out now.

I think when you become a stepparent you have to consider the possibility that the father might at some point be a full time parent to their child. The mother could die, get ill, or any number of things. OP doesn't have to fund her OH or his child, but she can't have one without the other.

Your cocklodger alert should be going off.

Boot the pair of them out. The entitlement is off the scale.

He’s moved in on you, he’s Co-opted you into parenting, he’s using his son to hide behind so that he can walk all over you. They both need to leave.

Just because he has a son that does not mean he can just move him in to ops house where he himself is a short term guest with no conversation

So many people have said the same thing, OP, this bloke is a waste of time space and energy. I know you've said earlier up thread that you love him, but this is part and parcel of the guy - accept this as part of him and accept that he and his son have moved in with you. Or rethink this whole "I love him' thing and acknowledge that your home, your peace and security, take precedence over him and his kid's needs.

You need to tell him straight that he goes to the Council tomorrow to be rehoused immediately and that he will not be welcome in your home tomorrow night. His reaction will tell you, show you, what he thinks of you - his lack of respect towards you - we can see it, and you see it too, don't you?

How long have you been together @Feelinglost10 ?

You’ve got the confirmation you need if you ask me. Now you just need to take action. Whatever you do please be safe!