Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Parenting / step parenting a kid with ASD is no easy feat and should not be entered into lightly. They need stability and routine and the emotional, practical and financial burden is high. Your DP may be trying to do the best by his son but he clearly is failing to provide that stability and hasn’t made any well thought out decisions here. This is a disaster unfolding and your best bet would be to step way back and let it unfold without you. Set your clear boundary… you are not yet ready (and may never be) to cohabit with his son. If that means you break up and he goes back to stay at his exes then so be it. That’s not what you asked for but having good boundaries often means others make plans without you. Hurtful in the short term but leads to a much happier life in the long run. If your boyfriend really cares for you he will understand your need for this boundary and work with you to respect it and keep your relationship but from what you’ve said about him I suspect he isn’t emotionally mature enough to do that.

@thepariscrimefiles

However a previous thread by the Op in April, said she was in a private rental and the landlord was going to be selling.

and apparently she is now in a new private rental according to her replies earlier.

I suppose some of this depends on which username she is writing under at various times. As Mumsnet has had this very thread before, well almost word to word but by a different poster.

Maybe of course the poster changes details to protect her identity.

Whichever - she needs to get rid of the boyfriend.

How can you love someone who is so callous about your precious dog? Who doesn't give a shit that it's scared, jumpy and hurting itself? That alone would be a deal breaker for me. Add in the other stuff and you're being ridiculous to even think of staying in a relationship with him. An animal is suffering. Be a decent pet owner and protect your dog.

As for the child being homeless, he wouldn't be, would he? He has a mother with a house. He can go there.

Having read all of your replies I'm just not sure what advice you want to hear.
You want the situation fixing but unless you chuck them both out you're stuck with it. He's obviously a selfish prick who has no respect for you or your home, your dog, your wishes so I'm struggling to understand how you think there's a rosy future here. Do you really want to continue with this man who is all take and doesn't even work or contribute?
He's not going anywhere without his son so either stay in your room crying or do something about it.
I know what I would do and it involves a large roll of heavy duty bin liners!

Yet again, you haven’t read the thread and are commenting nonsense. This isn’t about being a step parent, this is about an abusive man who has basically kidnapped his son and is cuckooing in a vulnerable woman’s house. Read the entire thread with the updates.

Perfect! Let him go.

Exactly.

Leaving a man of this personality type is never easy, OP. Undeniably, though, it's easier when they haven't been living with you for any duration. And the longer he stays, the harder it will be. You have some hard decisions to make, but what it boils down to is: do you want your independence; to gain back the confidence he has destroyed? (And the fact that he's destroyed it is very clear from the confusion leaching through in your posts between your need to post here for help and your understandable defensiveness when posters point out difficult truths). Or - do you want to remain in this set up for the rest of your life? If the answer to the last question is 'no', then you have to make the break some time. Why not now, before the situation becomes even more complex and entrenched?

I haven't read any other threads and am not inclined to search out posters' back history. If he's abusive - and the pattern of behaviour you describe here of riding rough-shod over your wishes suggests that he might be - then you need help and support to free yourself from this relationship. I'd make my first point of contact Women's Aid, who have long experience in supporting women in your position.

You sound so conflicted. On the one hand, you keep protesting that you love him. On the other, your post clearly indicates you don't want to live with this man. That's common in your situation. These men do a number on you and you end up questioning your every motive. I'd put money on a guess that he's gaslighted you, because you're reacting like a cornered animal in a trap with no route out and no direction in which to turn.

It's painful. Acknowledging yourself as a victim is hard - we all like to think of ourselves as stronger or more intelligent than that - so the 'scales falling from the eyes' moment of recognition is one of the most difficult there is. But the entire onus of responsibility for this is on him. This is not your failing. Don't let him con you into believing that it is.

Many, many other women have been in the position you now find yourself in, OP. They've also lived to tell the tale, extracted themselves from their situation and are out on the other side of it with better, happier lives.

This could be you too. You're worth it - aren't you? 💐

You need to read all the ops posts. He abused her and beat her until she miscarried.

I’m still not quite sure why you have such an issue with my response to the OP’s situation. All I have said is that she absolutely needs to get out of the situation she’s currently in as it is awful and I’ve also said that she also needs to end the relationship. Perhaps you don’t agree? And that’s absolutely fine. But from what you say, I think that you too want both outcomes.

I’ve read all of the OPs replies. I’ve not read people’s responses to those no. But people’s responses add nothing to the OP’s story and her opinions. Throughout the OP states that she invited her partner there but not the son. And during those responses she repeatedly states that she wanted to carry on in the relationship And is very happy for the son to visit, but that there is a difference between the son being able to visit and the son staying. For instance: ‘There’s a huge difference his son visiting to his son living here, no school, 247 in my house and messing it all up’… and, ‘As I say there’s a huge difference between being a step mother to waking up one day his full time co parent’.

She also repeatedly states that she is very much up for being a ‘step-mum’ but that she doesn’t want to be a co-parent. For instance, ‘why would a father not be for me? You don’t even know me! It hasn’t got anything to do with him beyond a father. It’s to do with the fact I have never once proclaimed I am ready to become a full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child’.

I’m pointing out that her assertion that she wants the relationship and is happy to be a step-mum is not backed up by reality. If you want to be in a relationship with a parent then you have to allow that you may at some point have to live with the child, as difficult as that child may be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be a co-parent, but you then have to let the relationship go.

I’d also add to my last that there is one person in this story who absolutely deserves real care and people’s concern: the autistic son.
Of course I do not know the situation, but from what I’ve read here neither of his parents, nor his father’s partner, seem to be giving this boy suitable care.

TLDR

The fact that in a previous thread OP said this ex beat her so bad she miscarried yet she still loves him despite deliberately moving away from him initially tells us all we need to know. She’s an adult who can make her own decisions but it’s really heartbreaking for the kid involved here. Her ex sounds mentally unstable to think it’s okay to pull out a child from school/stability aside of his violent tendencies.

Gosh, you’re a pleasant person ain’t ya.

So, your boyfriend doesn't work, doesn't have anywhere to live, doesn't parent his child properly. He makes impulsive decisions - what on earth was he thinking taking his ds to work with him?? And on top of that he's manipulative - he knows that you won't want him going back to live with his ex.

Please OP, make him take his ds back 'home', immediately. Unless he does that he can't work, and if he can't work he's never going to get another place to live.

What he decides to do once his ds is home and back at school, that's up to him. Maybe he'll come back, get back into work, get a place to live and you can start again from there with regards to his son (that might be a sensible plan). Maybe he'll go back and live with his ex (which might be just to spite you). Maybe he'll come back to stay at your place, accommodation options will keep falling through at the last minute and you won't be any further forward.

The only thing that's obvious is that continuing as you are not is not sustainable for you. It will break you, and you deserve your peace and your safe sanctuary.

Do you have a sister and if you don't pretend you do. Your "sister" was with an abusive man and she got pregnant with that man. He was so abusive that one day he beat her so bad that she miscarries and all the relevant agencies got involved to get her out of the situation and into a safe home. Then your sister goes back to him and lets him live in her house and then he brings his son in to live their as well. What advice would you give then?

Just to add - that's what has happened to the op. Her boyfriend is a horrible monster.

I hope OP is okay as no update since yesterday.

Be kind Mumble, be kind.

Op I hope you are ok and just annoyed that people went looking at previous posts and that’s why you haven’t come back? I know you wanted to just focus on this single incident of him moving a child into your home without discussion and ignore your previous posts. But I’m sure your DV counselling must have told you that you need to look at the wider patterns of behaviour and not just put your head down and live in each moment like a frightened animal. The fact he’s your previous BF that beat you badly is very important to the current situation.

He is an unstable, volatile, dangerous man. He has beaten you at least once and caused you to miscarry. At the moment he is just screaming in your face as he can’t cope with any criticism for his bizarre behaviour and terrible life choices, but it will soon turn to violence again as he is emotionally unstable and clearly capable of resorting to violence.

If you are not ready to leave him at least reach back out to DV organisations again. They will support you to get counselling and try help you feel strong enough to get out of this mess. Please don’t ignore this behaviour from him. Next time he loses his temper he might beat you to a pulp again, kill your dog, throw you down the stairs… It will never stop as he cannot cope with any challenge to his behaviour and his behaviour is bizarre and will always be challenged - hence he’ll live in and out of jail all his life no doubt

And this is not your fault. Lots of clever, kind amazing women end up in DV relationships. It’s hard to leave as the DV perp always have a good side and promise change, together with constant gaslighting and blaming the victim. Lots of women do get out and have happy lives after. I know this can be you!

Presumably busy placating her abuser and apologising for yesterday 😪

Why would you want to continue a relationship with someone that isn’t the easiest of people to talk to?
You need to be able to communicate to build a life and future with someone otherwise you’re going to be in the shit constantly in this relationship.

He’s taking you for a ride, he doesn’t respect you, your home or your dog, he’s essentially kidnapped his child, he’s not giving his child an education (which is a massive welfare issue in itself), he has a bad relationship with the mother of his child, you don’t like the mother of his child, the mother of his child has her own issues that is also a welfare concern for her children…

Why are you happy to settle for this?

I feel incredibly sad for the children involved in this situation… they have no choice.Why have you not rang the social services about this?

Oh god OP. Please stop. It’s not your job to mother this abusive man. He takes the son back to the mum and whatever happens then is up to him. If it means him staying with his ex then fine.

You need some peace in your life, a life without the abusive ex in it.

So I’ve worked it out. I’m being attacked for making a comment on this thread - at 18:50 yesterday - before any mention of abuse (from a post the OP had made previously in a completely different thread) was raised. Admittedly I had only read the OPs post and subsequent comments before I posted and not everyone’s responses, but looking at the OPs responses subsequent to my post, at some time past 9pm she responds to someone mentioning abuse from a completely different thread. So the thing I did wrong was not knowing what wasn’t presented…

Beyond that I am still being jumped on for a post that only tells the OP that she needs to get her self out of the situation and out of the relationship. I mean surely that’s not wrong?

@Feelinglost10 - this man is an adult and a parent - he should be able to work out what to do on his own, and not need you to sort it all out for him. To be honest, it doesn't sound as if he is making much of an effort to either adult or parent independently - he's relying on you to do it all for him.

I sincerely hope you do not let this cocklodger back into your home. You deserve much, MUCH better!

OP, your boyfriend is an abusive cunt and a shit father. End the relationship.

Surely you can see that you’re being used? You must be able to see that your boyfriend is emotionally manipulating you with all the ‘you don’t love my son’ guilt-tripping and his threats to move back in with his ex? He’s just saying this to make you feel bad. He’s an appalling human being who is just as negligent a parent as his ex-partner.