Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

@CoralOP wrong! I changed my advice when I discovered that this man is a violent abuser, so therefore it's not usually safe to confront him, better to safety plan and get proper advice.

May I also say that your post takes the absolute piss. I was already pretty disheartened by the number of people calling a victim of abuse "broken", but the fact you've said she "thrives" on being abuse and painted a whole picture of the sort of woman you think might "thrive" from being abused based on a while host of stereotypes... Well that says a lot about you.

Learn about trauma. Learn about multiple disadvantage. Learn about how women come to be abused. At least try and understand a fraction of what you're on about before attacking abuse victims on the internet - please!

The thread is quite fast paced so I think a lot of people missed it.

I’m so sorry you went through that as a child.

The boyfriend needs social called on him. He's essentially kidnapped his child and took him away from any stability. He's not attending school and he's being left at home with Daddy's next girlfriend. He has no money and no way to provide for his child other than expecting his latest partner to look after and provide for him. It's all fine and well saying she can't kick him out cos he hasn't got any money. It's commendable that she doesn't want to see his innocent child homeless as this is probably what that abusive piece of shit has drummed into her if she dares to ask him to leave. His son has a home and needs to go home to his mum and regain some stability instead of being dragged around with nowhere to call home

Just in case it hasn't already been said - I haven't read the whole thread but I have read all OP's posts- your DP needs to make a homeless application to his council.

As I said earlier this is all very familiar, very sure the Op has name changed for the last couple of threads.

That's the first thing I said on the thread, letting a dog run and jump about after a child, instead of confining it to certain rooms with gates etc, and then blame the child for coming in and out of the house is ridiculous.. but she seems to think it is all out of her control, same as the abusive ex, and the child he seems to have kidnapped from it's mother.. not a concern at all apparently.

OP is protecting no one in this scenario, not the dog, not the child stuck in the middle of all this, and certainly not herself.

I'm out. People are wasting their time with this utter numpty.

He's definitely pulling the strings. You've become his place of convenience. You're not willing to show him the door, but you're utterly miserable and really struggling. Isn't the best thing you can do to tell him to leave, and if he goes back to the ex, that's good for his son; you can move on with your life.There is no alternative, as surely you can't be planning to continue your relationship with an abuser - an unemployed and homeless one at that?

There's no good future with him

Wow. There seems to be a lot of men with children divorced or separated who go for women who work and own property.
OP you are your own boss.

.I knew I would get flamed by someone and tried to say it as diplomatic as I could but I do stand by it and have apologised to OP in advance if it was the wrong judgement of her.
Just to clarify, I didn't say she thrives on abuse at all. I feel she may thrive on the chaos of her life.
I haven't made a judgement of how I think she is based on the fact she has been through DV, i have based it on her answers, the children in the situation, her wanting to bring a baby into this, all chaotic and matches perfectly to the people I have come across in my life who match the person I have imagined.

like I say I have had various involvement in DV and they are different women in different situations. I don't look at these and think they are stereotypes of DV at all, they have been amazing women. In horrible situations but they haven't come across as OP has.
That said I hope she knows she can change her life if it is as I imagine and good luck to her.

My love for my partner and his son does not change but it doesn’t mean I was ready for this situation

He's a nasty, cocklodging loser. More fool you.

OP, why are you with a man who has no job and lost his home? You haven't said why he lost his home.

The man is freeloading off you and insisting his little boy stays with you full time is not on, it's not his home, it's yours. Visiting is one thing, living with quite another as you have said. The child needs proper care.

You say the mother is awful and has loads of kids but your fella thought she was good enough to have a child with. He could go back there with hsi son and sleep on the sofa until he sorts himself out, if she would allow that.

These people are not your responsibility. I know you care about them but you - and your dog - must come first. You work, you run a business, you are renting a nice home, you have a lot going for you. Why saddle yourself with this lot?

Please see sense. Get rid of him, you can do better but please don't rush into anything.

Dear OP

I have read the thread and all your updates.

I hope you can get the help you need.

Please understand that that the majority of men who engage in DV hardly ever change - they don't think they need to. They may talk a good game but ultimately they will not change. Talk is cheap.

You must accept that there is absolutely no future with him.

The initial problem you raised is of course not the actual problem. It's just an obfuscation on this guy's part. He is using the child as a pawn. The child 'prevents' him from working and you are feeling guilty because you don't want the child there.

There is an absolute ocean of red flags waving about this guy. His child is in danger, your dog is in danger and you are in danger. It makes my blood run cold for you.

A lot of good solid research shows that men like this often ending up killing their partners. He's already killed your unborn child. He's well on the way.

Ask yourself: if you had a friend in this situation, what would you advise them? Please be a friend to yourself, and get some support around you.

I'm not in the UK (in Aus) so not sure of the services available but surely police would be first port of call if is he staying with you after having some order put on him.

Sadly, in my line of work I see a lot of decent women who think it's their mission to save these kinds of men. But all it does is train them to continue on doing what they do. Past behaviour is nearly always a predictor of future behaviour. He WILL keep doing this.

Please don't have sex with him. You do not want to be complicating this already very chaotic situation any further. Once there's a child involved the man could potentially be in your life forever, finding ever more toxic means of manipulating you.

I dearly hope you can break this cycle of abuse. You have a job, a home, and a lovely dog. I hope you'll get support from family and friends because you really need them right now. When you can see your way clear, I'd recommend therapy for you, and maybe reading the book Why Does he Do That?.

I'm on the other side of the world but the I'll be thinking of you. Please update and make a good decision for you, your dear little dog and your future.

https://www.peaceoverviolence.org/iii-the-cycle-of-violence-and-power-and-control

This site has a good overview of the Cycle of Abuse that might help OP see what is going on.

The only blessing is op doesn't have any children with him.

I'd tell the boys mother what's going on and where her son is. Maybe ask her to come and get her son.
He may have removed the child hoping he'd be housed with him.

If he lost his home or even if he gave up a rental on purpose any council might turn him down for housing because they may consider he has made himself intentionally homeless.

This!

@Feelinglost10enough of this your “woe is me” attitude and do something about your situation. You have gotten a lot of good advice here but it seems to me that you are not willing to take any of the advice given to you

The mum who doesn't care if the child cuts off his finger? OP has already said the mum has 8 children whom she's neglecting already. One is with the dad now. Same dad who is violent, smoking weed and plays videogames all night and with his 6 year old autistic boy who is not in school and has no rules and is given sweets to eat 24/7.

So we got two abusive, neglectful parents and a 6 year old autistic boy. Who knows whether he is autistic btw. I highly doubt the parents have taken him to any assessment. Any 6 year old with no boundaries, not going to school (!) , being up all night playing video games with his weed smoking dad, being fed sweets will turn in to a very disturbed child. But OP is more worried about her sofa then this child being severely neglected!

@Feelinglost10 I have said it in previous threads OP: CALL SOCIAL SERVICES !!! This boy needs help- it's urgent. And don't try to have another baby this man can abuse!

from your previous post

‘ex has made my life a living hell, beat me to a pulp, beat me so bad I lost a baby and moved to a house opposite me and there’s pretty much f all I can do is it’s within his bail limitations and courts are full so waiting for a trial date could have me waiting a long time. Happy with those gory details or shall I expand further on how it’s affecting my mental health etc?’

you don’t need advice on whether his son should be living with you. You need trauma counselling and a locksmith.

there’s pretty much f all I can do is it’s within his bail limitations and courts are full so waiting for a trial date could have me waiting a long time.

Based on his previous behaviour, not contacting you in any way will surely be one of his bail conditions? It would be absolutely standard. And that applies even if you make the first contact - he should not respond or he is in breach of bail and could go to jail for it.

@Feelinglost10

God, you poor thing. What a shit situation. Ignore the people having a go. You need to ditch this selfish, horrible man - kick him out ASAP - don't be guilt tripped into anything - where he goes is NOT your problem! And don't feel guilty about his kid. If he wasn't autistic, people wouldn't be so judgy. Your home should be your safe space & your poor dog needs to rest.

This has been said many many times, hes neglect is so bad they would act immediately.

If this is real, and OP you dont call ss or the police then im sorry you are fully part of the hideous neglect/abuse towards this vulnerable child.

Up until a couple of pages ago, posters had no idea that:

1. OP was the victim of domestic violence with an IDVA which is why she was able to get her council house, and
2. OP's current boyfriend is the man who abused her by beating her to a pulp causing her to lose the baby she was carrying.

All the earlier advice was based on the fact that people thought that her boyfriend was a common or garden cock-lodger, taking advantage of her and moving in with his child by stealth and people were getting frustrated with OP's reluctance to take on board any of their advice.

Obviously, the situation is so much worse than that and some posters haven't read the posters quoting posts from her previous thread about her abuse so still don't know how abusive her partner is. There is clearly a trauma bond with her partner and OP obviously needs expert advise and support that Mumsnetters aren't qualified to give.