Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

And didn't give the whole dangerous picture in her OP. I wonder what advice she was hoping for.

We clearly will never agree but and forgive me (more harshness incoming) OP is clearly damaged from what she has endured over the years and I am more sorry than you will ever know that she had to suffer that but she got out, she made a success of her life which is an amazing acheivement but then she threw it all away for him again, He learned nothing and platitudes like but I love him just don't wash. You can choose to be a victim forever I so do not want that for OP.She needs to get a grip again and fast for her own sanity, She has proven she is strong enough before. Time to do it again.

Excellent advice.
OP, please read this.

The thing that worries me most is that after all this has come to light, OP's only concern seems to be the mess the child made of her sofa and the fact he "won't do as he's told".

No concern for the child AT ALL, or if his mum even knows he is missing, saying 'she won't miss him as she has loads of kids' is quite frankly disgusting, and knowing only too well that her "partner" is an abuser of women, whether the child has actually been abducted or is being used in some sort of power play to punish the mother.

I have full sympathy for victims of domestic abuse, but my sympathy goes out of the window when they completely disregard the safety and wellbeing of a 6 year old child because they choose to believe the pack of lies they KNOW they are being told for the sake of making their abusive boyfriend happy, it's making my skin crawl how blase she is about the poor child.

I hope she gets help and I hope social services are on the case, but a child moving area is one of the big danger zones for children slipping through the net.

Without being harsh, what's the attraction in someone who genuinely has nowhere else to be but at yours? Also, him having nowhere to go is not your problem, though he's making it your problem. Relationships shouldn't be like this.

I'm unwatching this thread, it's a waste of my time. OP posts, gets dozens of responses, responds but I love him etc etc etc ... Feels like OP just wants to hear Oh No Poor You, not helpful advice.

OP - My house is on fire! - Mumsnet = call the fire brigade.
OP - But my furniture is burning - Mumsnet = have you called the fire brigade?
OP - I'm going to lose everything - Mumsnet = are the fire brigade there?
OP - I don't know what to do - Mumsnet = that's what the fire brigade are for.
OP - But it's not that simple - Mumsnet = throws hands up in the air and leaves the OP to try and figure out the guy is a user and your life will always be drama if you stay with him

Good example, and I’m follow your lead.

What do you think would be effective? She seems determined to justify staying with him because she "loves" him - the man who beat her up so that she lost a pregnancy, and now screams abuse at her.
She needs a self-worth and self-respect transpant, but what can anyone do?

You’re all telling OP to kick them out but you’re not listening, i think ( correct me if im wrong) she wants him and doesn’t mind the kid occasionally but not them full time in her house!! She wants to vent about the situation here because she’s so overwhelmed that this has actually happened. So any advice is pointless. .

Feelinglost10 · Today 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money.

Oh FFS, woman! Not your circus, not your monkeys. It's his problem not yours, don't make it yours, you'll get no thanks off him. Kick him to the kerb, you might not deserve better but your poor dog certainly does.

Have you read the latest update?

The one where she tells us that this man is actually her abusive ex, the same ex that beat her so badly she miscarried.

She may just want to vent but posters are very concerned for her safety.

The op is not ready she needs to mature. She won't listen. She has to be ready to face reality and the abuse. This is not love the op is a broken woman and she doesn't even know it.

Sorry but you’re not protecting your dog if he’s running and jumping with a torn cruciate ligament.

Maybe Google "how to support someone experiencing abuse"? I doubt "shame them and make them feel like shit for it" is on the list.

The child needs to go back home to Mum and to school. He’s compulsory school age. If he wants to move in with his Sad then it needs to be done in an orderly fashion. This means your boyfriend finding his own home, the mother agreeing to the new living arrangements and a new school being found. Realistically. We’re looking at September due to school summer holidays. You can offer to have him to stay every other weekend until his Dad finds a home to facilitate contact, but only if they both understand that he doesn’t get to stay beyond the Sunday evening.

Posters are frustrated.

Do you think she has not had much support on here? We seem to be up to page 30 of caring, concerned, supportive messages, and OP has taken no notice of any of it.

For goodness sake. Do you really have to ask if you're being unreasonable?? He's taking the piss. Why on earth would you put up with this?

I am not saying this to sound awful but I feel like as soon as DV issues have been raised everyone has pictured OP as a poor fragile victim when originally everyone was very frustrated and baffled by her.
Which of course she is a victim but by the content of her previous posts, trying for a baby with this man, not really caring about the young child, not seeing anything wrong with trying for a baby with a violent, jobless father of 8 who beat her, seems quite childish etc I can't help but think she comes from a very dysfunctional background and dare I say thrives from it all.
I might be completely wrong but I picture them both not working, drink, drugs possibly, a home where children are dragged up, a lifetime of chaotic behaviour.
This doesn't change the fact she needs to leave obviously but I imagine she has lead a very different life to most of us. I see people like this is my town and just think what must your life be like but they are oblivious that there are different lives out there.

Sorry OP if I'm completely wrong, it's just hard to relate to how you think and this is the picture I get of you. I've known people who have went through DV and they wouldn't bring kids into this situation or ignore all this advice because they know it isn't right.
If its true then know that there's so many people thriving and living safe and happy lives without all this chaos and you can too if you want to.

OP sorry you are being a mug!!! Protect that dog at all costs! This is not fair on him. Time to use your voice and get them out!! Partner sounds a knob, sorry.

How dare he scream at you in your own house! And bring his son without asking (though god knows why you haven’t argued this with him already). He is using you sorry.

You sound lovely, and he sounds like an irresponsible prick, and just abusing your nice new house. Tomorrow, you are telling them to leave now!!!!

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money.

He can go back to his son’s mother - isn’t that where he is now? He has somewhere to go -

If they are out of the house, do not let them back in again.

He can go to a hotel for the night if nothing else, or go back to his ex.

You are much better off with him at his ex than in your house.

The OP has her own business and works full time.

Reading the updates im worried that now she's let him back in he will be violent again if she takes steps to kick him out.

OP I hope you know he could kill you. You need to call your IDVA and womens aid and get an emergency exit plan out of this relationship.

You can't love someone into not being abusive. The "i can fix him" mentality is toxic and you're falling for it hook line and sinker. Take a step back, please and realise he has already abused you. He could kill you. Your life is worth more than this waste of space vermin.

No i didn’t see that, i apologise. I was a young child who spent my early years in a violent home. My mum was terrified of my ‘dad’ and understood it is not easy ‘to just leave’. Really hope you get the help you need OP, this is a horrific situation to be in.