Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Have you any experience with domestic abuse?

You are not safe with this violent man. The six year old isn't safe with him either. Call the police.

absolutely no notice , not quenches!

@rubicustellitall what a disgusting comment. OP's partner is the one abusing OP and neglecting his own child. That's not OP's doing. You've seen OP's comment about how much she loves her dog, concerned about too many biscuits and no tooth brushing for the child and him being out of school. OP is a caring person and the fact her partner is an abuser is not her fault. I'm sure OP would love for the child to be tucked up in bed and looked after because she's a nice human being. But she's being treated like shit, as is the child. I hope OP gets support to get him out and the child is taken to a place of safety - either back to mum or another family member if mum isn't up to it.

Quite. I’m wondering now whether he’s taken the child as a form of control over the ex.

That sounds like a solution to me, it might be temporary but at least they'd both be out of your hair.

@Tandora now I know a bit more about the situation yes I'm also worried about both OP and the child. I think they both need support to be safe. OP police have helped before - they can help here too and will help keep the child safe too.

It could also be that he is continuing the abuse of his ex by taking her child, or that the mum is very vulnerable, either way it sounds like the little boy needs safeguarding. And police need to help OP get the man out.

@MRSRUDEBOX no, afraid not. She did mean the partner (and child). Bet he hasn’t asked his ex either.

This.

Plenty of people have said to call social services and the police.

OP doesn't seem to be in a place where she can listen.

I hope someone calls the police.

There's lots of people on here concerned about him and concerned that the mother may not know where he is but OP doesn't seem to be bothered and said the mother probably hasn't noticed he's gone because she has loads of kids...this is all a huge shit show

29 pages of support and advice, fallen completely on deaf ears, trying for a baby on a previous post..clueless. There is a tiny autistic child stuck in the middle of this mess who is clearly not safe and you raise up at a shock tactic post to try to see if some reason can make the op see things for what they are?

I don’t think it’s that op can’t be bothered. I think her self worth is tied to this man. It’s much sadder than I previously realised. I hope op can find her strength.

People have expressed concern over the child and his wellbeing, and the child’s mother too, and given advice on contacting police / social services / etc. Poor kid.

FWIW I don’t think OP blames the child but there’s clearly a lot going on...and I don’t think you’re the only one thinking that about the ‘D’P in relation to the child’s mother either 😬

Do you think that using shame is the best way to support a survivor of abuse to find the strength to leave?

Your post was harsh but I completely seen where you were coming from with it.
She has ignored everything else, a different approach was worth a try. 🤷‍♀️

OP, are you OK? Are they back yet? If not, then can I suggest you call the police, and tell them that you are worried for the wellbeing of this little boy, as his father has taken him away from his home surroundings, and you don't know if he has even talked to the child's mother, or whether she knows where he is.

Also, tell them that he has been abusive to you previously, and has now moved himself and his autistic child into your home, without your permission, but you're frightened to tell him to leave, because he beat you to a pulp previously, and having screamed at you earlier, you are afraid for his little boy as he has taken him out, and you don't know whether the child is safe, or whether they are coming back, and if he does come back, you're scared of what he might do. Ask them for help, and please DON'T make light of what is going on, you know in your heart that this man IS GOING TO BEAT YOU UP AGAIN, and probably in front of his child. Please act NOW, if he's not already back, and put your key in the door if necessary or something heavy against the door to stop him letting himself back in. He left in a paddy of his own accord, and you don't want either of them living with you, so take this opportunity to get rid of him, and at the same time get the police there to help YOU!

Shame or realism ?

You clearly know nothing about domestic abuse and how difficult it can be to extricate yourself from a situation if you think one spiteful post is all will take to make OP see sense. Pretty arrogant as well to assume it would.

Maybe grow up and see it as the typo it was !

OP seeing the other comments I've read your previous posts too. Is this the ex you were leaving due to dv? You stayed together or got back together? 😔

You need them both to leave. They DO have somewhere to go, the child has a mum, and apparently this guy thinks he can roll up there too for a roof.

For some reason you don't like that idea BUT it sounds realistically like it would solve all of your problems.

He's homeless, job less, abusive, a rubbish dad, the list goes on.

You said it yourself. This place is meant to be a fresh start for you. He's wormed his way in and will have no plans to leave, and has upped the ante by deciding not to return his son and moving him in too! No. Say no. Ask them to leave.

Please realise this is really worrisome and unhealthy for all involved.

OMG YANBU!! He's even moved his son I by stealth. He doesn't sound like a loving DF or DP. Tell him it's not working, you didn't sign up for this and he must leave by the weekend.
Your home can then be your haven again.
If he presents at the council, he may be eligible for housing due to his DSs Vulnerability

That post would be heartbreaking to anyone who cares about the child in question. It is not OP's fault that the child does not have the father he deserves and that he is being used as a pawn by an abusive man. I do think that there is no way this man should be in charge of a child. I really hope both OP and the little boy get the support they need to live a life free from abuse. I think in this situation the police will be a big help and hope OP reaches out to them again as she has done before.

What's an IDVA? I just googled it. Independent domestic violence advisor. Can you not reach out to them asap??

You are NOT being unreasonable.
Ignore people who say "shouldnt get into a relationship with someone who has kids"

I would be furious - the kid needs to go