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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

955 replies

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 17:54

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

OP posts:
Earlymornyawn · 02/06/2025 21:33

Op, If you have an IDVA pls contact them or if not contact Women’s Aid and/or the police. I am so sorry op but this is such a complex situation and you really need help. It often takes victims many attempts to leave their abuser before they are eventually free. Sending you lots of strength and I hope that you finally manage to make the break.

Mrsknowitall · 02/06/2025 21:34

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 17:54

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Wow he shouldn’t be screaming at you in your own home, you should have told him to leave immediately, why isn’t he taking the little lad home to his mum? Not the child’s fault his only 6 years old, they can be messy but it’s not your problem at all, please get rid and enjoy your new home

HeyThereDelila · 02/06/2025 21:34

Get rid of the boyfriend. He’s a freeloader who is using you.

I feel very sorry for the little boy who must feel like he’s being pushed from pillar to post- where’s his Mum?? Doesn’t she want him back? But it’s not your responsibility.

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 21:34

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 02/06/2025 21:30

Sorry, what part of my comment is ridiculous?

I started and ended my comment by saying that this sounds like an awful situation for all involved. That’s presumably fair?

But I also pointed out that you cannot start a relationship with someone who is a parent and expect to be able to put boundaries upon how much parenting they are allowed to do: how often they may see their child or expect them to put you above their child. That if a situation arises in which the child has to live with the parent that the parent should refuse because the step mother doesn’t want to have the child their full time.

The OP states this desire across several posts:
I love my partner but did NOT sign up for this…

I am pointing out that a potential step-parent has two (responsible) choices: accept that a child will be the most important thing to a parent and that situations may change and the child may have to spent more or all of their time with that parent; or, decide that they do not want that and so the relationship will not work.

I am essentially saying that this is a horrible situation and that ultimately the OP not only needs to take herself out of the current situation, but also out of the relationship.

not sure what part of that might have made you so angry with me..?

Show quote history

Your comments are completely inappropriate because this is a dangerous and violent abuser who OP has managed to escape from once with police and court help, finally got herself to a safe place but has now moved himself in to her new safe home. This is not a step parenting question.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/06/2025 21:35

You say this is a temporary arrangement and he’s not living with you, but you posted just over a week ago to ask about a pregnancy test and stated that you’ve been having sex while ovulating?

Dear god ... I'm out

Whereisthelove2 · 02/06/2025 21:35

You have your answer in how you feel about everything, him having a young child isn’t what you want in a partner. He has a child, and that isn’t going to change. Six year olds are a little unintentionally destructive.

rubicustellitall · 02/06/2025 21:35

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MissRaspberryRipples · 02/06/2025 21:36

Is this a troll post?she's ranted on about a kid she didn't want living with her and that her boyfriend has absolutely taken the piss...I agree he has taken the piss
Then she's sat there defending him and the classic on she loves him and can't kick him out. Make your mind up OP. We can only advise on what you post.you can't go kicking off at others who's opinions and advice are based on your ranting about him and his kid

AnonWho23 · 02/06/2025 21:37

@Feelinglost10 I haven't read your past posts but if what other poster are saying is true i have serious concerns for your safety. When you leave and let them back in the abusive behaviour tends to escalate.

It took me 7/8 times to leave my ex. He head fucked me so bad I ket on going back. I thought he was the live of my life. It was only when I realised that he was going to kill me that I left and even then I missed him. He'd be the most amazing human. He was musical, charming, funny and so attractive. He would love bomb me and then he'd flip a switch and beat the shit out of me. It was always my fault. There were always tears and begging for forgiveness, rinse and repeat.

You need support to end the relationship for good. You need to love yourself and priorities your safety. You need to look forward to a brighter future. He won't change. Theirs no hope for your relationship with him. His behaviour isn't your fault. Get help and run the fuck far away.

Dpresst · 02/06/2025 21:38

He’s bullying you to shut you up so he can carry on his freeloading. Bin him off.

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/06/2025 21:38

So OP is a victim to domestic violence and nobody’s his offering support or advice.
Please get off her back and if you can’t offer supper maybe best not to comment.

YesHonestly · 02/06/2025 21:39

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This is a disgusting post given the OP’s recent updates.

The man beat her so badly she had a miscarriage. It’s far more serious than what we were originally told.

MatildaMovesMountains · 02/06/2025 21:39

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/06/2025 21:38

So OP is a victim to domestic violence and nobody’s his offering support or advice.
Please get off her back and if you can’t offer supper maybe best not to comment.

She's welcome to supper at mine.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 02/06/2025 21:39

Op, if he is the man who beat you then right now the only thing that matters is your safety.

If the truth is that you are scared to get him to leave then help is available.

If it is him then that is such an important detail because it means you are at risk and posters advice to just boot him out, if followed, may end with you lying in a pool of your own blood, spitting out teeth.

You must prioritise your safety here

CoralOP · 02/06/2025 21:40

There seems to be a few new posters just arrived.
It's moved on now to this boyfriend was an ex abusive boyfriend that beat her to a miscarriage. She had help leaving him and finding a new home.
She has now taken him back and he's moved the son in. I assume she's too scared to kick them out.
(Not trying to sound like a dick, just trying to update).

Gettingbysomehow · 02/06/2025 21:40

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:09

he never asked. He has clearly just presumed. Yesterday he got let down on a new place he was sorting out so basically has nowhere to go. The mess hasn’t been sorted and he defo won’t have money to replace my couch. The kid has been running in and out for the last house making my dog keep jumping up and running up n down stairs n his knee is already messed up and awaiting ACL surgery on it. I actually just feel overwhelmed with stress. I love my partner but did NOT sign up for this, he hasn’t planned any of it just gave in to what his son wants and not actually thinking he hasn’t for the facility to do it, it’s me who has the facility and as selfish as it sounds I don’t want to! He doesn’t even work, it’s me who does and I refuse to support his child when I have my own life to pay for

Show quote history

You mug. he's clearly been looking for a woman, any woman, to house him and his child and you were the first sucker that came along.
For fucks sake remove them from your home now. They can present themselves to the council as homeless.
I can't believe you fell for this cocklodger.

HappyLols · 02/06/2025 21:40

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:26

No I didn’t. I meant HE would go and stay with his ex.

Show quote history

Win win then

ANYONE who tries to manipulate you by this emotional BS is not worth your time, effort, love, house or dog

rubicustellitall · 02/06/2025 21:40

YesHonestly · 02/06/2025 21:39

This is a disgusting post given the OP’s recent updates.

The man beat her so badly she had a miscarriage. It’s far more serious than what we were originally told.

Show quote history

and yet she took him back...

MatildaMovesMountains · 02/06/2025 21:41

Gettingbysomehow · 02/06/2025 21:40

You mug. he's clearly been looking for a woman, any woman, to house him and his child and you were the first sucker that came along.
For fucks sake remove them from your home now. They can present themselves to the council as homeless.
I can't believe you fell for this cocklodger.

Show quote history

He's had his claws into her for a long time.

KateShugakIsALegend · 02/06/2025 21:41

Dear @Feelinglost10 your choices are:

  1. Stay with him because you think this is what love looks like, and accept his rules and his child
  1. Leave the relationship and find someone who respects you

There is no option 3 where he transforms into a decent man and you have a healthy relationship.

I recommend option 2, fwiw

OopsyDaisie · 02/06/2025 21:42

You shouldn't be mad at the child. He is a 6yo with additional needs who hasn't gone back to his home with his regular routine and school. He must be so stressed and confused and he certainly feels your animosity towards him.
It's your CF o a "partner" (who seems not ro know what a partnership means) that you need ro blame. Him and him ONLY!
Kick him out and he should send the boy back to his regular home!
Such a weak and manipulative man he is!

SuperTrooper14 · 02/06/2025 21:42

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Jesus, what a spiteful post. OP is a victim of DV and while she might not be making the best choices right now, probably because she's trauma-bonded to her abuser, she doesn't deserve such a vile attack. You should be ashamed.

Ilikeadrink14 · 02/06/2025 21:43

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:19

yes I did. And he also had his own place where his son would come and visit him at, his son had no reason to be at my place.

Show quote history

Then why are you still on here arguing the toss? We have advised you to leave but you take quenches.,no notice. Why did you come on here if you were determined to ignore, or argue about, the advice given?
Just tell him you want him and the boy to leave. If he won’t, call the police. You shouldn’t be feeling the way you do.
it’s in your hands now. Kick him out, or put up with the consequences.

Tandora · 02/06/2025 21:43

Why is no one concerned about the child in this situation??!

a vulnerable 6 year old boy has been taken out of school and away from his mother? Dad, who apparently is abusive (and homeless!), has unilaterally decided not to return him . And OP is worried about her sofa?!

Wtf. Someone needs to call social services!!

LBFseBrom · 02/06/2025 21:44

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

The child can, and should, go back to his mother, you must be firm about that. Your fella can find a b&b, in fact you can find one for him somewhere cheap, while he looks for a new place.

You do not need this man in your life, he's taking liberties.

Be strong, inflexible. If necessary get someone to back you up. Pack their things.