Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Hi Op, I’m sending you a MASSIVE HUG 🫂 Please be kind to yourself, and only spend time with people who are kind to you too 🌻

Christ, what a cheeky fucker. Tell him to get out. Read him the riot act for daring to move his ds in to YOUR house without even asking you!

Who cares where he goes? It’s not your business, not your responsibility.

Don’t let him walk all over you. he doesn’t respect you at all.

Do you still have your IDVA OP?

But you still say you love him.

OP please read this:

Stockholm Syndrome: The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser, Page 1

Tell your soon to be x partner to leave and get your safe space back. Sounds like you not ready for a relationship yet and want to enjoy your new home. Nothing wrong with that. Your ex partner to be comes with a child. Sounds like this situation isn't right for you.

Six years from now he it may be YOUR child he's stealing to go and live with another woman.

Oh honey, now I have seen your updates let me tell you, this is not about you. Your ex is a master manipulater. You broke free once, you will do it again....if you want too. You don't sound like you want too though. If you aren't prepared to break free and you aren't prepared to get him to change, then what you are living now is the life you are going to lead for the future. If you don't want that life, you need to find the strength (again) to change it. Good luck x

Dump this loser. He has the nerve to try to threaten you that he’ll go back to his ex?? He is an unemployed, homeless man with a child he allows to run riot… wow what a terrible loss that would be.
Let the trash take himself out.

This is a VERY good point

Great! Tell him to go. That seems like the best solution all round. OP, he screamed at you, and he doesn’t care about you or your home or your DDog. He’s a cocklodger and a piss-taker. Please have some self-respect and ditch him.

Oh wow the DOG idolises the useless partner does he? That's a new variation on 'but he's such a good dad'
FFS your dog might be attached to the guy (dog's don't idolise people FFS) but that doesn't mean it's right for the dog for him to be there!

Bloody hell. So he's awaiting trial for beating her so badly she miscarried? He must be breaking his bail conditions by living with her. Meanwhile he's gone off in a rage with his vulnerable son. Poor, poor kid. What a shitshow.

I agree - OP, can you dial 101 now, let them know the situation, and ask what they advise? You need to consider your own safety as well as the child’s.

I recind some of my earlier post and totally agree that this is a safeguarding issue

This is a result?!

Agree that if this is the man who has previously beaten you, then get the police there ASAP. You cannot be with this man, OP, if he is violent. Even if it isn't the same ex this one doesn't sound a great deal better - he has effectively cuckooed you, making you feel like you have to hide in your own bedroom to get any sanctuary because he has unilaterally decided to move himself and his child in. I can well imagine he has no intentions of moving out either.

Plus he has screamed at you and when confronted about issues he's said fine he'll fuck off back to his exes to stay? You said he couldn't afford to replace the sofa anyway so he's broke, he's not working, sounds to me like he's a fucking shitshow of a human who can scarce tie his own fucking shoelaces without support. Set your standards higher and whatever happens do not have children with this man, EVER!

OP, I've not read your previous threads about him abusing but it sounds like you need to cut ties with him now and actually have your fresh start! This man has nothing to offer you - let him go back to his ex

Can you take it one issue at a time -
(1) You don't want to put a 6 year old out on the street. So tell his father that he needs to find a proper home, and take him to the council saying they are homeless. Do it in the morning, so they have a full day to sort somewhere. Say they cannot stay with you another night. Do this tomorrow morning.
(2) You seem reluctant to end the relationship at least right now, so leave that for the time being and concentrate on getting them out of your home. Tell DP that he and DC cannot live with you and your dog. No need for other reasons. Don't let him argue with you about it. You don't want them there, that's good enough.
(3) If he causes any trouble when you do these, you will have your answer about where you are in his priorities. If he becomes abusive in any way, bag up his things while he is out, put them outside the door and get the lock changed. Get back up as necessary, and don't hesitate to call the police.
(4) Ask yourself WHY you love him. I'd like to know too. What do you see in him that you love? Then use your head as opposed to any needy feelings you may have, to calmly assess whether it is actually love you feel or something else.

(5) Enjoy your new home that you have worked so hard for. Congratulations on getting it.🌺

Sorry, what part of my comment is ridiculous?

I started and ended my comment by saying that this sounds like an awful situation for all involved. That’s presumably fair?

But I also pointed out that you cannot start a relationship with someone who is a parent and expect to be able to put boundaries upon how much parenting they are allowed to do: how often they may see their child or expect them to put you above their child. That if a situation arises in which the child has to live with the parent that the parent should refuse because the step mother doesn’t want to have the child their full time.

The OP states this desire across several posts:
I love my partner but did NOT sign up for this…

I am pointing out that a potential step-parent has two (responsible) choices: accept that a child will be the most important thing to a parent and that situations may change and the child may have to spent more or all of their time with that parent; or, decide that they do not want that and so the relationship will not work.

I am essentially saying that this is a horrible situation and that ultimately the OP not only needs to take herself out of the current situation, but also out of the relationship.

not sure what part of that might have made you so angry with me..?

Can you get a friend or family member around with you when you ask him to pack and move out. He’s taking the utter piss.

OP, please, please call your IDVA, or refuge, or women’s aid.

I know you think a lot of us are interfering / unhelpful / judgemental, but honestly I think all any of us want is for you to come through this safely. And we can live with you thinking badly of us, if it helps you get out and have the chance to live your life.

Please OP. Put yourself first.

How was he planning to pay for his new place that ‘unexpectedly’ fell through? The nebulous ‘he can stay until he sorts himself out’ has led you here in conjunction with your not so dear partner being a cf. He was never planning to ‘stay until he sorts himself out’, the cf has MOVED IN.

The fact that this man has spontaneously moved his autistic child into your home says all you need to know about him. Your reluctance to challenge his behaviour is very worrying and should have been reason enough not to invite him to stay. OP you think you are overwhelmed, spare a thought for that poor child thrust into a new environment without any thought to his needs.

I suspect there were many red flags that you’ve chosen to ignore along the way, hopefully you’ve become wiser. It time to move on from the entitlement of this cf.

Feel for you OP, rubbish situation to be in.
Id throw this one back and enjoy your peace personally. He has shown you how much Respect he has for you in that he has moved his Son into your house without a discussion when he doesn’t even live there and will not hear your Concerns. This man Has Zero Respect for you at all and you will never get Rid whilst you are funding his lifestyle. Did he actually even have a property lined up? Or is it BS to placate you whilst he gets his feet under the table.

Also if he has ‘kept his son’ without discussion with the mother what’s not to say that he would do the same to you in the future if you found yourself sharing a child and separated from him. This man is telling you exactly who he is!

My Ex tried to move himself without discussion, told me he would be homeless etc if I didn’t let him. Then in the next breath was telling me that I would need to move and my house wasn’t good enough and that he would be setting new rules for my children.
Fired him straight back in the Pond and now choose to remain single- I’m so much happier and so are my kids x

Jesus christ.
I fucking hope to God that's not this guy.

It is.