Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

I’m trying for a baby? Thanks for letting me know. Had no idea! I thought my contraception may of failed due to the fact I was late n there was a faint line. Always good to find out I’m tying though🙈

Oh my, I really feel for you.
planning & agreement to this situation with mutal understanding, respect & whilst you’re both in a good place, absolutely,
the fact you’ve just bagged your own safe haven, you work, your lovely dog & peaceful life, you guys weren’t in that place just yet & perhaps would happy living seperately for years to come. But to have your life upended with no consideration & effectively no place to retreat too, is massively mind blowing.
the son is going to have his own version of these type of chaotic emotions going on which of course will be magnified, plus not even the routine of school. Your BF is being a hugely selfish asshat. To you both. not only has he done this to his son, to you, your home, he’s shouting at the audacity he feels you apparently have to question why you could possibly be being quite so unreasonable.

maybe a walk out somewhere and give him a time line. Present to the council as homeless with the child , they’ll have emergency accommodation the same day or the child goes back to mum straight away & he goes to family/freind (not your responsibility) the ‘until he’s sorted something’ will eek out & you’ll feel obliged & resentful,

please put you first, they’re not your responsibility , you’ve done nothing wrong but are being taken advantage of x

So the ex that you said this about:

I’m actually getting one because my ex has made my life a living hell, beat me to a pulp, beat me so bad I lost a baby and moved to a house opposite me and there’s pretty much f all I can do is it’s within his bail limitations and courts are full so waiting for a trial date could have me waiting a long time. Happy with those gory details or shall I expand further on how it’s affecting my mental health etc?

Seriously?

You weren't late; you just "had a feeling". Because you'd had sex during ovulation.

It’s not an easy thing to do OP, but you have to do it. You were in a DV relationship with this man, now he’s back and has completely disrespected you, your space, your dog. You’ve had a pregnancy scare recently, could you imagine staying with this man and then finding out you’re pregnant and stuck with him for the rest of your life?

OP, what will it take for you to finally leave this man?

So you have been supported to be rehoused by an IDVA and then taken him back or has he forced his way back?
if its the latter ring the police to remove him and his son

Entirely. This is a safeguarding concern, and OP is unable to protect anyone.

You have to deal with yourself no one can mend your pain. Leave these people alone or else you will get yourself into trouble.

I am really concerned for your safety given your update OP.

I know how hard it is to walk away, I’ve done it, but you HAVE to. The man beat you to a pulp. Nobody deserves that. Surely all of this now is showing you that he hasn’t changed and he isn’t a safe partner?

Op, what would you say to a friend in your position. Or even your daughter?

He’s not easy.
He threatened to return to his ex.
He’s screamed at you for trying to set boundaries in your own home.
He’s got no job and no money.
He has form for adding to the challenging situation of other vulnerable women (impregnating women who already have multiple children)
He doesn’t even have a nice family.
He’s disrespectful of your home and belongings.

I feel like I’ve read posts from you before about this guy. Maybe not. Many people are in similar situations. But this is not healthy. Or right.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO FEEL ANGRY AT HOW YOU’VE BEEN TREATED. It’s not fair that he’s done this to you. But, looking at the type of chap he is, this is unsurprising.

So what are you going to do about it?

And by the way, Love is just a feeling. It can grow and it can fade. It’s not a magical bond which overcomes all.

He's a cock lodger. Ditch.

So this man whom you love is part of this woman's hareem of 'baby daddies'.

But she luurrvves him.

@Feelinglost10

is this right Op? Why on earth would with your get back with such a person?!

Is it the same man who beat her up?

I’m also very concerned. This is not a man that is going to take kindly to being told he has to leave, take his son with him when he has nowhere to go. He beat her so badly she had a miscarriage and then was supported by an IDVA to get away from him. This isn’t just a few red flags we are talking about here…

Tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. This manipulative shit isn't love @Feelinglost10. Losing this prick isn't actually a loss. I'm wondering what else is going on for you that you would call this scum the love of your life. I think you need to work on your self esteem and get some therapy.

OP you need therapy and support - not Mumsnet.

But you also need the police to support you in removing this man and his child.

I don't think anything we say on here is going to empower you to make the right decisions for yourself and that young child.

You got away and you’ve moved him back in. Why?

I didn't realise the history before I gave my advice OP, I'm sorry.

Knowing this now I would say you deserve to feel safe in your home and this situation is not safe. Rather than confronting him as his is violent - please seek some good advice from the right services to help you with safety planning. You have managed to get away from him before and I believe you can do it again. You deserve so much better. Please reach out for support.

Jesus Christ.

It’s not easy but it’s not hard either.

You have your own place.
You are not financially dependent on him
You do not have a child with him

His child will just need to go back to where he was.
Your ex will go to his ex or a friend.

So you do have options here, OP.

I'm more concerned for the kid's safety. OP says the dad's taken him out the house 'God knows where'. He's a vulnerable child and the dad is a violent domestic abuser. I'd be calling the police to find them.

Well you can either tell them to leave or put up with them taking over your home, stressing out your dog and screaming at you, what other solution is there?