Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

This alone is enough to put me off him. He added to this lady’s list.

I have a lot of children and I can assure you I wouldn't want to have ANY of them stolen and taken to live with some random woman.

I think OP you are a caring person who has been taken advantage of here. It is absolutely reasonable to want your home to be a safe haven. It is also reasonable to have your home be YOUR home where no one enters without asking, and absolutely no one moves in without asking! These are very, very reasonable boundaries that he is trampling. The fact he has resorted to blackmail when you've pushed back and tried to enforce your boundaries says a lot about his attitude and his character. Do you need support to talk through this situation and figure out how to deal with it? If you don't feel able to get him to leave, perhaps speak with Women's Aid for some advice?

“I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at”
OP in no uncertain terms - please end this relationship immediately and demand that this man find somewhere else to live immediately. He is AWFUL. Get away from him NOW. Speak to Women’s Aid

How long have you known and been in a relationship with this guy?

Does it not ring alarm bells that this guy has put it in your head that the mother of this child "probably doesn't care"? He has essentially kidnapped the child. He is clearly NOT the resident parent. Is he the father of any of the other children?

You need to stop ranting on MN and calm down and have a rational conversation with this guy. You need to tell him that you appreciate he has no where else to go, but if he is going to be staying here temporarily, there needs to be boundaries in place. Autism isn't an excuse not to be able to follow rules - in fact most children with autism benefit from rules and boundaries. Sit down and agree the house rules. If he cannot agree then he goes. End of.

How long ago did he break up with the child's mother? And how long have you guys been together?

Seriously! And go through old posts trying to talk about something completely different. My love for my partner and his son does not change but it doesn’t mean I was ready for this situation. It’s not even like we lived together and had a home together. This was meant to be my new home and my fresh start. And yes for all the nosey bastards this is my ex who I was getting the fresh start from but again everyone who has absolutely no idea about a thing will start with the whole leave him, why go back, like it’s the easiest thing in the entire world to do.

Lock the door and do not let him and his child back in, @Feelinglost10.

That is the only sensible thing for you to do.

I understand, although I’m glad you’re not pregnant and having to deal with that as well right now.

Please make sure your contraception is watertight if you stay with him, you might not be ready to end it now but when you are, every single one of us will help you. Our replies may seem harsh, but it’s only because we can see exactly what he is and how much better you deserve.

In a previous thread, OP refers to having an IDVA (independent domestic violence adviser) so I assume that she was previously in an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, she seems to have found another abusive partner.

“Ok—bye.”

She’s just posted and confirmed that she’s gone back to the same abusive partner. She’s back with the ex.

Honestly it isn’t as black and white as this. We were barely back together before this situation happened and he isn’t the easiest person to speak to.

the mother isn’t a nice person iv had many dealings with her believe me but again I don’t want to discuss that.

It's the same partner...

Problem solved.

It sounds like it's for the best that you're not.

Even if the boy's mum isn't bothered that he's not been returned, you can bet his teacher and school will be. It's a huge safeguarding issue for a vulnerable child to be taken away from his home without notice to live in a different part of the country, and that's without the dad also being accused of domestic abuse by his partner, if he's the same person you've been trying to get away from. I'd expect the school to escalate it with social workers and even the police.

Surely that's a good thing? You will have your home to yourself again.

You'd done it. You got away, got your own place then let him in again. Not only did you let him in again, you're also trying for a baby.
What is wrong with you?

The man who beat you and caused you to lose your previous pregnancy?

Op you need to contact women's aid. You are still being abused. This is wrong

I don't think anyone can help you on here. Hopefully you will realise one day, I assume your trauma bonded to him, good luck

She has an IDVA.

This man wants his son to stay with him do he doesn’t have to pay child support and can collect the benefits that his son is entitled to. He doesn’t actually intend to parent his child. He sees him as a source of income.

he sees the OP in the same way. She will provide a roof over his head, pay the bills and feed him.

OP the only way to resolve this is to break up with him. This is who he is. A user. You deserve better. You deserve that fresh start. Don’t let him take it away from you. Involve the police if need be.

He’s not going to be able to get his own place though is he. He doesn’t work (why?) so private landlords are not going to touch him.
why did he ‘lose’ his last place, and why do the other places keep falling through?
he needs to present himself as homeless to the council tomorrow. You don’t owe him a home.
if you don’t act now, this is your future sewn up, looking after a child and a man child financially, feeding them, paying for everything, childcare. Yep, he’s manipulated you into this and it’s up to you to get yourself out.

If you won't re-home your awful bf and his son, think about rehoming your pet who no longer has a safe home.

Don't bother with any relationship you need sometime to be on your own. You don't know what love is. How long have they been in your life for and you love them. You need to love yourself and raise the bar. You deserve better than this.