Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Good, problem solved. That's assuming she wants them back.

His manipulation tactics are working on you. Let him go to his ex's. He is playing on your insecurity.

Let him go and enjoy your new home with your dogs.

I agree, but, as others have tried to clarify, OP and her ‘D’P (the child’s father) weren’t actually living together, as such.

They had separate homes, he was staying with her ‘temporarily’ due to his house situation ‘falling through’, not a long term arrangement (in OP’s mind at least).

Confused. So he's not actually gone back to his ex, just threatened to do so?

You spelt "fuck off" wrong.

She was in an abusive relationship prior to this.

Of course he hasn't - it's just emotional blackmail

Life does not work on wishes, but actions. Your dog is in pain because of your dickhead boyfriend.

You are right, @MatildaMovesMountains - my apologies! 😂

No he is manipulating you, by telling you that's what he will do to get his own way.

I dont mean this horribly, but you are coming across as quite young, and sounds like he has already knocked your confidence to the point your too worried to have any authority in your own home.

This ends badly.

Aw ffs.

He saw you coming.

That he let his place go and just rocked on up with his son moving in with no discussion is wild. He's entitled and you've let him thinks he rules your home. He's seriously taking advantage of you and you're letting him.

His son does have a place to go. His mom's. Time to tell him they both have to leave. You're miserable and your new place is already torn up and that's going to cost you money to fix.

He can stay there to until he finds a place. But now you know that living with this guy is a recipe for unhappiness. Nothing is going to change until you put your foot down and run your home.

Please actually read my post. He doesn’t live here.

Op you know this is terrible. You are crying as you know in your gut that the way he is treating you is very bad and the whole chaos of his life is bizarre! If he wants to have his child full time he needs to go get his housing sorted and a job, find the child a school and then and only then have the child! He cannot do it on impulse crashing at your house. It’s mad. Like some awful episode of shameless. Surely you must realise this!

please tell us what do you love about him? How much does he help around the house? How much does he cook for his child and you? How much does he contribute financially? How does he make you feel considered and special?
im guessing 0 all round.

stop letting him manipulate, bully and control you. Call his bluff and calmly say it’s fine if you go back to your ex with your son. But I will not be shouted at in my home and have my stuff trashed. If you want a relationship with me you need to sort yourself out. Then let him leave.

OP can you now see his 'if you don't let me stay I'll just have to go back to my ex then' for the manipulative tactic it is? If he's threatening to go back to his ex, then how much do you think he really loves you? He's not even saying he'll take his SON back to his ex (which he really should do), he's trying to make you believe that he's going to get back with her, JUST BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET HIM WRECK YOUR HOUSE?

How can you even look at him again, let alone call him your 'partner'? He's a manipulative tosspot who wants you to pay to keep him, and his son, for the foreseeable future.

Not sure your partner idolises the dog or you tbh. You might love him you think the way he is shouting at you he loves you? Called coercive or emontional abuse. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

I’m taking it from this reply then that you have absolutely no intention of ending things with this man. Nor does it seem like you’re going to do absolutely anything about the current situation?

You’ve swapped one abusive relationship for another. OP you really, really need to get him out and work on yourself. You are far too vulnerable to be in a relationship right now, and as so often happens, he has sniffed out your vulnerability and played on it.

Threatening to go back to his ex’s is an emotionally abusive tactic designed to get you to panic and backtrack so he gets exactly what he wants.

I strongly recommend that you do the Freedom Program to end the cycle of abuse you find yourself in. There is nothing healthy about this relationship, he is not the love of your life but nothing will change until you tell him to leave. The choice is yours now.

I know and I sympathise. He sounds like a nightmare.

But I'm simply pointing out if you know they're a parent then that's the risk you choose to accept if/when you decide to live together.

He does now. I bet his father is busy finding him a school using your (his now I guess!) address. And claiming child benefit.

what exactly does he bring to this relationship as from what you describe, he’s homeless, he doesn’t work, he doesn’t parent and he doesn’t respect you or your property

It was clear this prat meant both of them. It was meant to panic @Feelinglost10 into thinking he'll shag the ex so she'll let both stay.

@tachetastic - I also genuinely want to believe the good in people. But a decent man would not keep a 6yo boy away from his school and mum if he didn’t have a home. And second he wouldn’t do it without serious conversation with his partner on whether he could bring his son to her home, for how long and how it could work. A decent man would try to lay down some boundaries, look after his son, not feed him sweets, he would care about the new home of his DP and have a level of respect for the dog or at least check it was safe and respect DPs rules about looking after the dog. He would certainly not shout at the person who was putting a roof over his head.
It’s not a typical MN response - we are all seeing a very clear picture of a man, without a home, using a vulnerable child and his DP to try and get housing and taking very little care or consideration for either people he’s supposed to love and care for.

So tell him to leave

you said he has no where else to go. He effectively lives there.

Lock the doors behind him, pack up as much of this stuff as you can or at least an over night bag and don’t let him back in.