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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

955 replies

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 17:54

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

OP posts:
Princesssuperstar · 02/06/2025 20:04

Your saying he stormed out about an hour ago...... Did he take his son or are you looking after the child without being asked?

JustSawJohnny · 02/06/2025 20:04

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:09

he never asked. He has clearly just presumed. Yesterday he got let down on a new place he was sorting out so basically has nowhere to go. The mess hasn’t been sorted and he defo won’t have money to replace my couch. The kid has been running in and out for the last house making my dog keep jumping up and running up n down stairs n his knee is already messed up and awaiting ACL surgery on it. I actually just feel overwhelmed with stress. I love my partner but did NOT sign up for this, he hasn’t planned any of it just gave in to what his son wants and not actually thinking he hasn’t for the facility to do it, it’s me who has the facility and as selfish as it sounds I don’t want to! He doesn’t even work, it’s me who does and I refuse to support his child when I have my own life to pay for

Show quote history

You don't sound selfish at all.

Your new home has been taken over without your say so. It's just not OK.

If I were you, I'd be ending the relationship and telling him they need to move out ASAP.

It's not about you, so don't let him spin this. It's about HIS railroading, HIS overstepping, HIS demands and HIS entitlement.

You can do way, way better than this, OP.

MRSRUDEBOX · 02/06/2025 20:04

tachetastic · 02/06/2025 20:01

....

Edited

And she's been repeatedly advised to send him to the council homeless department.....

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 20:06

I said he can go to the council with his son and they will house them. But that's only if he insists he won't do the sensible thing and send his kid home. What he should really do is send him home, get himself a room in a house share then get benefits to pay the rent - until he decides to actually be responsible and keep a job (not pissing about taking his kid to work) then he can rent a flat so his son can stay with him. That way the kid at very least has a bit of stability. But considering he doesn't seem to put his son first or be responsible, Council it is. They won't put a child on the street.

Noshowlomo · 02/06/2025 20:06

This cocklodger can leave. He’s not your problem. Nor is his child. He’s not even working and the kid is bullying your dog.
Gone, tomorrow

JustSawJohnny · 02/06/2025 20:07

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:39

Because he said he doesn’t want to go back and apparently gets whatever he wants. Iv no idea but it’s mental

Show quote history

So what! Children don't get to demand to live where they want to!

The child already has a home and he needs to return to it.

tachetastic · 02/06/2025 20:07

MRSRUDEBOX · 02/06/2025 20:04

And she's been repeatedly advised to send him to the council homeless department.....

Show quote history

Good. That is good advice.

MoreChocPls · 02/06/2025 20:07

hes walking all over you. Just tell him he needs to go. He can sort out where but he’s taking you for a ride and you e for mug written all over you.

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/06/2025 20:08

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 18:19

yes I did. And he also had his own place where his son would come and visit him at, his son had no reason to be at my place.

Show quote history

That's not how it works I'm afraid

He is the parent of a disabled child. You chose him. It's always a possibility/probability that his child will live with him. You absolutely cannot presume otherwise.

If you don't want that, and based on the circumstances I can totally understand why as it sounds like a nightmare, you have to dump him. If you want to take priority pick a partner without children.

RisingSunn · 02/06/2025 20:10

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/06/2025 20:08

That's not how it works I'm afraid

He is the parent of a disabled child. You chose him. It's always a possibility/probability that his child will live with him. You absolutely cannot presume otherwise.

If you don't want that, and based on the circumstances I can totally understand why as it sounds like a nightmare, you have to dump him. If you want to take priority pick a partner without children.

Show quote history

Yes - always a possibility the child may live with the father - not her.
They were living separately.

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 20:10

Willyoujustbequiet · 02/06/2025 20:08

That's not how it works I'm afraid

He is the parent of a disabled child. You chose him. It's always a possibility/probability that his child will live with him. You absolutely cannot presume otherwise.

If you don't want that, and based on the circumstances I can totally understand why as it sounds like a nightmare, you have to dump him. If you want to take priority pick a partner without children.

Show quote history

Oh my god read it again - the man is not supposed to be living there himself! He showed up with his kid without asking.

MounjaroMounjaro · 02/06/2025 20:11

She hasn't "chosen him". He's lost his own place (I wonder why, he seems so reasonable) and was staying at her house while he got himself sorted. He then decided on a whim that his visiting son wasn't going home - no thought for his wife or for the continuity of care his autistic son needed or for the fact he didn't actually have a home) and is blaming the OP for not being happy that her previously calm home is being ruined.

Imbusytodaysorry · 02/06/2025 20:12

Jammiesdodger · 02/06/2025 17:55

How did he lose his place?

Yes how did he and why is he living in your safe space . And ….. why did you need a “safe space “

PonyPatter44 · 02/06/2025 20:12

Oh OP. You seem to have gone overnight from being a woman with her own business, home and boyfriend, to being someone's downtrodden victim, who sits around and nods at children and animals being abused. This "boyfriend" of yours does seem to specialise in dragging women down, doesn't he? I wonder what the ex was like before he started on her?

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 20:13

I am almost 100% certain he would not be keeping his son with him and out of school if he didn't feel he had a foot in your door to house them both for free. He is putting his son in this stupid situation, not you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/06/2025 20:13

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

That's what the Police, council and social services are for. To protect the kid.

The child will never be on the street, not for even one night. If you call the Police.

Iheartmysmart · 02/06/2025 20:14

This has to be one of the most frustrating threads that’s been on Mumsnet for quite some time. Hopefully the OP will have the decency to at least rehome her poor dog as it looks like the cocklodger and his offspring are there to stay.

Original poster
Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:14

His last comment to me has just been well if he can’t stay here with him he will just have to go back to his exs and stay there (the kids mum) :( What a thing to say

OP posts:
Gonners · 02/06/2025 20:14

@Feelinglost10 My partner was doing bits of work with one of his friends who last week told him he can’t keep bringing his son to work so yet again he’s back to not working, it’s like he hasn’t thought any of it through!

Sadly I agree with @SerafinasGoose here. I think he knows exactly what he's doing.

IOSTT · 02/06/2025 20:14

Your partner has caused this awful situation, Op. He has shown very little consideration of you, and has limited parenting abilities. First thing in the morning, you need to contact citizens advice / social services and get this sorted ASAP. Kid needs to go to his Mum’s and sibling’s house, and partner needs to get out ASAP.

Ponderingwindow · 02/06/2025 20:14

Wherever a father lives, that is also the child’s home. They are a package deal, even if most of the time the child is elsewhere. You have to expect that at any moment the child could become a 24/7 fixture in your home life, which is what has happened.

If this arrangement doesn’t work for you, ask the dad to leave. You can’t ask him to kick out his child. You absolutely can decide you don’t want to live with this adult and the people that come with him.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 02/06/2025 20:15

Obviously break up with him.

Really, he should never have moved to be close to you, if he has an autistic 6yo. He should have stayed living where he was, to provide some stability for that poor little boy.

Unless there's a backstory too, it's totally inappropriate that he not let the boys mother have him back?

CornflowerDusk · 02/06/2025 20:15

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 20:14

His last comment to me has just been well if he can’t stay here with him he will just have to go back to his exs and stay there (the kids mum) :( What a thing to say

Well good luck to him you'd be well rid.

IOSTT · 02/06/2025 20:15

He is a manchild OP, chuck him back

AFrankExchangeofViews · 02/06/2025 20:15

What an impossible situation! I dont know anyone who would feel ok with kicking a child out onto the street. But my inner sceptic is also thinking.... maybe that's exactly the position he wanted you in. Much harder to kick a father and child out than just a boyfriend who has overstayed his welcome.

Id be very unimpressed and warn him if he raises his voice at your again, or keeps leaving a mess, then tough he needs to leave. If hes not working or paying for anything you should be coming home to a perfect house with dinner on the table!

One silver lining is at least you can see him for who is now. Do you ever want children of your own? This is not the man to have them with.