Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

48 hours more like

Tachtestic is offering kind support as OP may not have any from anywhere else?? When you are trapped in an abusive relationship its not so easy to just "leave" on command. You have to be ready.

Child needs to go home to his mum.

Cuntychops needs to be dumped.

You need to reflect on why you have such a low bar for a partner’s behaviour (and therapy might help).

Hope doggo’s leg gets better soon.

Your partner doesn't have the capacity to look after the child. He has no job, no home, no money and frankly is a shit parent.

I understand that you don't want to make him and his son homeless but them staying with you isn't helping anyone. Can he present as homeless at the council with his son? Does he have parent's or family he can stay with.

Realistically, the child isn't homeless and he shouldn't be put in such an unstable situation. The child needs to return to his mother and if he wants the child he needs to sort his shit out and do it properly.

You talk about love but your partner hasn't demonstrated love in this situation. He unilaterally making decisions that affect you. He's not discussed anything with you. He hasn't asked your opinion. TBH, if he had his own home I could understand it but this is your home. How dare he shout at you and disrespect you in your home.

You need to decide how long you're prepared to tolerate the situation. I don't doubt you'll have to ask them to leave. The question is when.

Yeah ,I don't think that's quite the situation here ,the blokes only just moved in ,this isn't some long term abuse situation

Please direct him to the councils homeless team right now. Tell him and the council that they are no longer allowed to stay with you. They will be given temporary accommodation immediately - it is illegal for children to be homeless.

Please also make a report to social services about the neglect, diet, toothbrushing etc. and lack of education or healthy boundaries.

And cut him out of your life for good.

Whilst I abhor animal cruelty I feel more sorry for the child in this situation, poor kid.

Sounds like a chapter out of Theodore Dalrymple's book about working class women being used and abused by the men in their lives and accepting their lot in life because the man in question makes them feel wanted and needed. The only time they break up with such a loser is when he inevitably cheats on her.

P.s. I'm also working class.

No, obviously you won't break up with him, he'll worm his way into your nice cosy life and stay there for years and drain your life energy like a vampire. Good luck.

All the previous sensible (and very doable) suggestions seem to be falling on deaf ears. One thing I've learned in life is people who respond, "Yes, but..." are rarely willing to actually bite the bit and help themselves.

The magic wand to resolve your situation, OP, is in your own hands. Please use it (for the sake of your poor dog, at least) or quietly accept the situation. It's entirely on you.

You got into a relationship with a man who already has a child. Sorry but I say YABU. As a mum of 2 on the spectrum. What if his mum becomes unwell or passes away and can no longer look after him. Being a stepmum obviously isn’t for you. There must be a reason he doesn’t want to go home to his mum. Start by trying to find out why. But it’s clear you’re not cut out to be a stepmum. So the best thing you can do is to end the relationship.

If you tell your partner to leave, his DS will go back to his mother - whether he likes it or not - and your ‘D’P will figure something out. He’ll do whatever he’d be doing right now if you didn’t exist. Couch surfing, I’m guessing.

You are only in this situation for as long as you allow yourself to be. This is on you.

This is the most sensible advice on here

Son will be returned back to mum once he is housed, using girlfriends house, and using own son, what a catch ,
Son his special needs, you carnt remove children from school fullstop, why has this been allowed ,

and more importantly this little one needs routine to feel safe, no wonder he is running in and out , his routine had changed, they don't like change, they need to know how their day looks down to meals, bath times, bed times, routine is everything, but school keeps them regulated, friends/ TA,

his he use be being around a dog!! This will make him very excitable, I hope school will notify safeguarding to see were he is,

Where is the mother in this situation? Is she OK with her son just being kept there!! This alone doesn’t sound right. You should be more concerned about him just keeping the son away from his mum!!

He goes to the local council and says he is homeless with his son. The council might ring you and you just say yes, that's correct, he can not stay here any longer.

Oh no OP you might lose this parasite of a man of you don't meekly allow him to trample over you, your home and your possessions and your dog. A Billy Big Bollocks who is such a good father he's lined up a skivvy with her own hard earned resources to house himself and his son. He's so ideal he's moved his lazy arse in ostensibly as a temporary guest and immediately changed the plan to squatting there. All this before any discussions of living together. What a loss! I mean who doesn't want an unemployed bully of a cocklodger imposing on them?

Theodore Dalrymple's book about working class women being used and abused by the men in their lives and accepting their lot in life because the man in question makes them feel wanted and needed. The only time they break up with such a loser is when he inevitably cheats on her.

This sounds fascinating. And would explain quite a lot of MN posts.

No he doesn't have anywhere to go but ultimately that isn't your problem, he's an adult and is choosing to put you through all this stress.

You are also choosing to allow this to happen to you.

You aren't chucking a child in the streets he has a mum he can stay with until his dad gets himself sorted.

....

Yes I did and I am fine thank you.

OP is a grown woman and can decide for herself whether she wants to remain in her relationship with her BF. She didn't ask for comments on that. She asked for views on the situation related to her BF's son's living arrangements. I gave my view on the question that was asked.

If she asks for my views on her relationship I will give those too, but she hasn't.

What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds shit. He doesn’t work, has nowhere to live, can’t parent properly and shouts at you if you dare raise an issue with him. How is that a loving relationship?

I get you don’t want to see his child out on the street. I would honestly, if you can afford to, book him into a cheap hotel, a premier inn or something for the night so they’ve somewhere to go. After that it’s on him. It is his stupid life choices that have led to this situation. It’s not fair on you or his son.

He needs to take his son back to his mothers with his siblings and try and get custody once he’s actually gotten a job, somewhere to live and a plan.

But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street.

Where he can go is not your problem. He doesn't have money - not your problem. The child will go back to his mum, he will not be on the street.

He is a user OP. He will use you up until you are dry!!! No use bitching about it to MN, if you aren't going to kick him out your house will be trashed by the kid, your poor dog will be distressed, and Prince Charming will bleed you dry. It's that simple.

Your responses are so frustrating.

Send the poor child back to his mother, siblings, school and normality!

If you lock the doors - he will have to get his child back and get himself somewhere to stay.

Are you saying you are the only person this man has in the whole world?? I really doubt it.

At the most - give him some cab money to get to wherever he needs to!

Poor, poor child.

His son is not homeless. You need to tell your partner that he needs to take him home as he's not in a position to provide for him while he has no job or accommodation.
Tell him him moving in was only temporary and he needs to be looking for somewhere else ( I don't think he has any intention of moving out of this cushy set up)
Also tell him you won't be putting up with him shouting at you and if he doesn't like your requests then he needs to leave, now !

Your hiding in your own bedroom 🤷‍♀️

If he cut his thumb when with his mother that may be why he doesnt want to go back to mum, But he needs to be in school and he isnt your problem. Phone up the council housing department and tell them this man and his son have to leave.

Sometimes women need a bit of help and support to leave abusive relationships. This man is being abusive but bringing his son to live in her home without asking. She's be better off without him.