Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

I’m sorry but how he is treating you isn’t how you treat someone you care about. I hear you love him, but honestly, his lack of consideration for you is upsetting to read.

As a minimum his son needs to go home to his mum. This must be so disruptive to his son’s routine, I’m not surprised he’s acting up - which is on his dad.

Nothing you’ve told us so far indicates your partner will be moving out with his son any time soon, despite how upset you are. If you think his good nature will lead to this happening, so far he doesn’t seem to have a good nature.

If he has nowhere to go he’d better get his act together in your house then.

@Feelinglost10 your boyfriend/dp is allowing this to happen probably because he knows he has overstayed his welcome and he is relying on you not feeling you can make a child homeless.

But - nobody is making him homeless. He lives with his Mum and your partner needs to take him back. He is so weak! Once he has his own place he can discuss full custody - not spring this on you.

A decent person would have spoken to you about this - not gone ahead and done it. What message does that send his DS? That he can do what he likes.

However, he’s kind of done you a favour showing his true colours because you are definitely better off without him. Just tell him the only way he can stay (and only then if he pulls his weight) is if he takes the DS back to his Mum. Otherwise they both go. Not your problem.

This. His son has a home to go to, so chuck him out and don’t let him guilt trip you.

Bloody hell, OP, take some control back!

This man is a shit partner and a shit dad and a lazy scheming layabout. The relationship is dead in the water, he's using you, there's no coming back from that. Boot him out.

The council will sort them out if they present as homeless. The child has a mother too, he won't be on the streets.

The whole thing screams cuckooing and this man has used the child to manipulate you. Only you can stop it. Direct your anger at this man, not the posters here who are trying to get you to face reality.

Honey, I hate to break it to you but you have gone and got yourself a cocklodger. A partner who looks and acts fine but as soon as he has a foot over the threshold, contributes nothing and then gives you jip for having the audacity to suggest you hadn't signed up to this. YOU were getting a brand new home for YOU to live in. PARTNER was NOT moving in until he conveniently lost his own home right around the time YOU got YOUR shiny new home (suspicious timing in my opinion!). Having got his feet under the table on a "temporary" basis he has now moved his son in without consultation. Sweetie, he had no intention of moving out - why would he? He is living rent free in your place. Zero incentive to move out. He will cling on to you and your home tighter than a squirrel on a nut. You are going to need to be strong here. If you and your partner weren't in a place to move in together permanently then you and your partner aren't in place to move in together WITH A CHILD. End of discussion. You do not need to feel bad about putting a child out of the house. You aren't married. You are not a step mother. At best you are dad's girlfriend. You don't have parental responsibility for the child. You are not responsible for parenting him. That is on his dad. His dad can absolutely have his son live with him but IN HIS OWN PLACE. Any argument to the contrary from dad, simply tell him his name is not on the lease and you are not at the stage in a relationship to be taking on a full time parental role. He will tell you you are awful etc - this is just a mind game so he can mooch off you. You are worth more than this - get both of them out. Good luck from a stranger on the internet.

Of course it was prepared and planned. Not by you, but by your partner.

And where they go is not your problem. It's his. One that he brought on himself by treating your home with complete disrespect and allowing his son to cause serious damage to your sick dog.

You don't want to be helped
Your to busy making excuses
No point posting if your not going to take advice
Your being used
There never was any accommodation that fell through
You are the accommodation
He's not working or earning or contributing to his upkeep,never mind contributing for his child's food , heating,water , electric.
He has no intention of leaving
And he's already realised he can shut you down by shouting at you .
But hay ...you love him ,so that's all ok then

I have read all OP's posts but not the entire thread, so apologies if I am repeating what others have said more eloquently.

Ignore posts that go straight to dump your BF or throw them out on the street. That is typical Mumsnet. You could post that your DH of thirty years had left a coffee cup ring on the kitchen worktop and people on here would be telling you to divorce him.

But you do need to speak to him. Wait until the kid is in bed and tell him calmly that you enjoy being in a relationship with him, that you are happy for him to stay with you while he finds a new place, and that you enjoy being a stepmum to his child that lives full-time with his ex, but you never signed up to being in effect a full-time parent, and you don't want to. Tell him that you want his son to go back to his ex until he finds his new place, and at that point it would be great if his son came to live with him and you get to see them both. Offer him a week to make arrangements. If he argues then say you are sorry, but in that case then they both need to find alternative arrangements, whether it is with a friend or a family member.

If he is a good man, he will understand. He may not be happy and he may decide that your relationship cannot survive this, but it sounds like your relationship cannot survive the alternative either, and at this rate you will lose your home and your dog is suffering.

If he is not a good man and cannot understand your point of view, then it is better to know now before you move in together or marry him.

Good luck. It sounds like hell.

It sounds to me like you don't want to just throw them out and I think that's understandable tbh, you love them you just didn't sign up to be blindsided. Ask him to sit down with you once child is in bed and talk to him about his plan. Get a list together of the things he needs to do ie contact the housing service at the local council and explain that he and his son are homeless and need emergency housing - explain you'll support him to go and help him with forms etc if he's feeling overwhelmed himself. Is it out of character to shout at you?

Add to the list contacting the mother whilst your with him so you work out what's really going and if he taking full custody, he needs to speak to the local authority about a school place and a solicitor if needed (not always required if its a joint decision) If he agrees and follows through on the plans tomorrow, you can work together on it. It's sounds like there is more to come from this decision. Just as a side, my kids are off school atm, half term last week and 2 days inset days, so the child might not be due back in school until Wednesday.

The OP is clearly raging at the situation but also at our suggestions?!

And unwilling to do anything about it.

Get your important documents, business tech, bank cards etc safely hidden away. Tomorrow can you take the day off? Call a friend to be with you if you can but if not let someone know that you’ll be in contact with them during the morning. Tell this cf free loader than he’s leaving now with his son. His homelessness and his kid are not your problem. He gets his things and goes. It will be tough. If he might he violent inform the local police in advance. Get his key off him. In any case change the locks tomorrow. Where he goes is not your problem. Check your safety and inform family and friends.

Are you scared of him when he screams at you?

As if you are, and he does it again, I’d be calling the police to have him removed. And as you don’t have PR if they decide to arrest him they’ll have to take the child to a safe place, and sort him out somewhere to go

Had he said why the boy can’t go to his mum?

I think this poster has been advised countless times before, that this man doesn't love her, that he's an abusive waster. It's all fallen on deaf ears.

Ok, you are not going to kick him out right now, you love him etc, but you will leave him eventually you must know that? You dont deserve to sacrifice your life for an abusive MORON. You may have to do all the work though re social services and the council. Talk to him tomorrow or when he is next calm and tell him he needs to move out or its over. It's a shitter of a situation and I really feel sorry for you, dont lose yourself.

What also need to be hammered in her head is she is complicit in child neglect. She needs to get rid of them.

You're not making a child homeless. He has a home. And he needs to go back there. You need to contact social services and the police.

As for this man, your "partner" - you're not making him homeless either. He was already homeless which is why he's taken up with you.

You need to take action OP as you are currently complicit in child neglect and potentially worse.

I think we're all wasting our time; OP just wanted to have a moan. He'll still be there at Christmas.

Was about to say the same. There's a lot of back story here and none of it good.

And animal abuse / neglect too.

You say the situation is mental (which it is), but you are not doing anything to get this man and his child out of your house. What do you expect us to say if you won’t take advice? You are being used. Your BF is a CF. This will be your life now if you don’t get them both out. That poor child should be in a stable environment, and it’s your BF’s responsibility to sort this. It’s your call..

You read all of the OPs posts, including the ones about him screaming at her, moving his son in without any conversation, letting his son destroy her home, harming her dog, being unemployed, having no money, not contributing to any household expenses, leaving the house a shit tip for her to sort when she returns from work and you think posters are over-reacting by telling her to kick him out?

Are you quite alright?

If you give him 30 days to move out, he'll be classed by the council as officially homeless. He can go straight to the council for temporary accommodation and placed on a waiting list for social housing. It's actually better for him. You cannot allow him to stay!

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money.

and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love.

Sorry OP but if you are going to continue with those thoughts we can't help you, however many posts we make.

There is no magic wand.
There is no genie in a lamp.
There are no fairies at the bottom of the garden.
There is no third way.

If you do nothing they will stay for a very long time. Because they have it made.

So, simply, you have to decide which is more important to you. Giving a home to this man and his son because you love him, or living in peace without them.

And no amount of posts can give you any different.

Have you written about this boyfriend and his son before, with the son's mother having so many other children...

It does sound very familiar.

Hearing that there's a backstory, the one I feel most sorry for here is the dog. The kid, too, but sounds like he takes after his lovely user of a father and can at least give voice to his complaints. The poor dog has no-one looking out for him.