Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

It doesn't matter how he sees it at this point OP. He doesn’t get a say.

I’m really sorry to say this because you obviously have feelings for him, but he’s seen you coming a mile off. You get your lovely new house and his living situation conveniently falls through and at the same time, moves his son in too?
I’d be sending them both packing im afraid.

Read this OP, then read it again and again until it sinks in. This man is using you.

He doesn’t have any money But how was he going to fund this place which ‘fell through’?

Ultimately it’s up to you what you do, but I think he has more capability to move out your home than you he thinks he does. How on earth did he cope before you? Doesn’t seem to me you truly know him especially as you yourself say he blindsided you. To me as an outsider looks like you’re sacrificing yourself for someone who screams at you and doesn’t respect you. That said, you say you love him and won’t see him in the streets in which case I wish you the best with your decision.

Because he said he doesn’t want to go back and apparently gets whatever he wants. Iv no idea but it’s mental

He's treating you horribly, so to tell the truth, I wouldn't feel too bad about kicking him out immediately. His son can go to live with his other parent. He may not want to, but that's where he belongs if his father can't house him. And he can't. Right now, he's using your home (and you), but you understandably don't want him and his child disrupting your life.

It might be awkward, but you don't really want a future with him, do you? After seeing how happy he is to just dump all of this on you without even asking first? How on earth can you love someone like that? He doesn't act like he loves you back, so you shouldn't want a future with this man. I'd kick him out, once and for all.

There IS nothing nice to say about this. You are allowing yourself to be exploited, and you are actively allowing a child to be kept away from his mother.

(A) this is not your problem
(B) you kicking them out does not "put a child on the streets" - it is a vital step to the child NOT being homeless because the local authority will not act until this man and his child are actually homeless but they will then start acting as a matter of urgency ONCE you throw them out.

You do not have to do the coping here. You are not responsible for finding somewhere for him to go and housing him until that option appears. If you do that it will never appear. The kind thing to do is to kick him out. He then goes to the local authority homelessness team as an emergency case, and as a single parent with a dependent young child and he is a top priority and will be put into emergency accommodation. The child is then fine.

But please do not continue the relationship. This man is a horrible person and has been lovebombing you and pretending to be nice to soften you up for this.

Oh, he has. I think that's pretty much guaranteed. He's seen you coming, I'm afraid.

I don't mean that in any derogatory sense. This is a damning indictment of his character, not yours. If you trust nothing else on this thread you can have complete faith in the fact that these men know exactly what they're doing.

His actions are straight out of the cocklodgers' playbook. The reason the women of Mumsnet are so leery is that many of us have seen it all before. Don't make the mistake of thinking yours is different, or that love conquers all.

It really, really doesn't.

But it’s your house, so you say no, even if his father can’t.

If you don’t, you’re also giving him exactly what he wants.

Really, get rid of them both. Why do you want this man? Do you really want a man that bad? He’s useless and feckless and taking the piss.

Why aren't you questioning this more?
It sounds a bit feeble.
Surely the child would be better off with his mum and going to school as part of his normal routine.

Are you afraid of this man?

If he has no money, no job - how was he going to pay for ‘the new place that was sorted that fell through yesterday’?

OP - kindly, if you don’t want the child to stay, then (at the very least) the child has to go. There is no other way

You are not stuck. The council will either house them both in emergency accommodation, or this dickhead can send his son back to his actual home. It's not your problem and you are completely choosing to suffer here.

Everyone here is trying to help you to regain control of your life and stop you being abused like you are being. You are not listening. And that child needs stability to help him.So no it doesn;t make me feel good but lady you need to wake up and quickly.

He's decided, just like that, that this SEN child isn't going back to his mother?

Somehow I missed that bit. No man who behaved that way would live under my roof for one more nanosecond.

Take note, OP. This is how he will treat you. A measure of what a person will do in the future is what they've done in the past. Pay attention to his actions, not his soft words. He's shown you more than enough red flags. Believe him.

OP, be very careful your neighbours don't let your landlord know you have moved a boyfriend and child in.
You could well be breaking your lease and find yourself in a difficult situation.

Landlords often ask neighbours to keep an eye out for them and text them if necessary.

You need to be careful.

If he called around unexplained would he be happy with what he sees?

OP, this is because he's a bad man who thinks you (and probably women generally) should do his shitwork and sort out his life.

You surely cannot carry on seeing him after he's shown you what he really thinks of you.

Therefore, be tough with him. His son can go back to his mums, where he belongs. This man can find a floor to sleep on.

The fact that he decided on a whim to 'not send back' an autistic child - that alone is your proof that this is a bad man.

Add to that the fact that he 'lost' his own accommodation - he's an obvious cunt, you're just too close to see it.

How long have you been in a relationship with this man?

Are you scared of him?

You know you are vulnerable and you must see he's taking advantage of that. The fact you are hiding upstairs speaks volumes.

to school or to his mum?

frankly this whole thing is insane why are you sticking with it

Understood about the poor child. But why don't you think you can kick them out? As posters have said his dad will have to present themselves as homeless and would be given help. Why do you see that as a bad thing? Sounds like you feel guilty, but why?

The best thing for the child, who should actually be the priority here, is to contact social services, the school, the police and his mother but you don't seem to want to take any advice from us, so for now you will just have to put up with the disruption until you accept you're being used and that the poor child is also being emotionally abused and neglected. You are not his mother, stepmother or responsible carer.

People like to argue on here don't answer stupid questions. Contact social services and the police he is neglecting his child and you are complicit. Contact the relevant agencies.

How is he going to pay for the fines that he will be gathering for keeping the child away from school, now that half term is over?

He’s a terrible parent (who just moves a kid and takes them out of school without warning) and he’s an awful partner. You sound really vulnerable- I would get him to move out and take some time to figure out what you want, deserve and need from a partner.