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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

955 replies

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 17:54

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

OP posts:
NiceoneSonny · 02/06/2025 19:31

@Feelinglost10 He's jobless, homeless, feckless (letting his child miss school and run riot) and bullying you in your own home. Why are you with him?

Moonnstars · 02/06/2025 19:31

You need to call social services.

How do you definitely know mum isn't bothered that he hasn't been returned? Perhaps this is again another convenience of him not having his own address as it's making it hard for him to be traced.
He doesn't sound like an honest person and whatever he has said about his ex could be all lies.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/06/2025 19:31

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go?

I'd have thought that's obvious ... straight to the local council for emergency accommodation, like so many people with neither money nor anywhere to live

Figcherry · 02/06/2025 19:31

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

Sorry op but you’re so naive.
This man has no respect for you.

BippidyBoppety · 02/06/2025 19:31

OP, you have written some well put together posts. So get a bit of paper and a pen and write down what you want to say and stick it on your front door (if he's still out) or hand it to him. That way there is no hiding around words or any way of misconstruing things.

Bloke. I wanted to help you out while you sorted a place to stay. I didn't agree to your son being here and I'm not able to accommodate you both even in the short time. I need you to go to the Council offices and present yourselves as homeless and have them accommodate you. I didn't like the way you spoke to me earlier, I think this may be the end of our relationship, but I definitely need you to move out of my home.

No "please / sorry / but", do not put any of those in your note. That's what you do.

sandyhappypeople · 02/06/2025 19:31

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

DOES THE MUM KNOW WHERE HE IS OR NOT?

It's not a hard question OP, why are you ignoring it?

BestZebbie · 02/06/2025 19:32

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

The child will NOT be 'on the street' because

  1. He already has a home with his Mum and his siblings, where he goes to school. and
  2. Police and social services will find a temporary overnight placement for him tonight with a safe carer if you call the police now or
  3. Your partner will magically turn out to have enough money for a Premier Inn anyway (if he doesn't have that then he won't be able to pay a house deposit!).
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 02/06/2025 19:32

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go?

Not your problem.

At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street

The child has a mother.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 02/06/2025 19:33

Why are you still posting, OP? You are going to let him do whatever he wants, absolutely pathetic. Put your dog first and grow a back bone.

Terrribletwos · 02/06/2025 19:33

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

But haven't previous posters told you that he does have alternatives? Like he can get homeless accommodation and put his child back to the mother, for example? Or if the mother is not an option they can both present to the council as homeless? Do you not agree with this?

Tiswa · 02/06/2025 19:34

@Feelinglost10 yes he should be with his mum and siblings so why isn’t he?

SerafinasGoose · 02/06/2025 19:34

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

Where he goes is not your problem.

He's your partner and you love him. You can take it as read that love is not enough, and there will be other love - doubtless more worthy love - where his came from. If you stick with him this is going to be your life from here on out. Your home will not be your own, and no contribution will be made by him (of course he'll tell you otherwise; they always do). He's already abusing your hospitality and making a mess of your home. This will get worse; it's inevitable if you swallow such preposterious actions as this and he gets away with impunity.

He's the very definition of a cocklodger. Your choice is stark. You can either suck it up and accept this as your future life - paving them way for him to continue to treat you with contempt and lay ownership over your life and possessions - or you can tell him to go. And the longer he sticks around, the harder getting rid of him will be.

Ask me how I know.

QueenOfThorns · 02/06/2025 19:34

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:28

It’s fine everyone saying tell him to go and I’m allowing myself to be used. But WHERE can he go? He doesn’t have money. At the end of the day I’m not just going to see a child on the street I’m not that horrible and as vile as he seems to be to everyone hes still my partner and still someone I love. This situation has blindsided me as it wasn’t ANYTHING I expected to happen and still baffled it even is going on. He should be in school and with his mum and siblings, a 6 year old shouldn’t be able to just dictate he isn’t going back and that’s that. Being a step mum is nothing to do with it, I do love and care for the child and if this was prepared and planned I may feel different but coming to my new home one day then just not leaving is a whole different story

Not your problem, OP, he’s a grown man. As for the child, he has a home with his mother, so he doesn’t need to be ‘on the street’, does he? Just listen to the advice on this thread and tell him to get out - he has no respect for you whatsoever. You are definitely being used.

BestZebbie · 02/06/2025 19:34

PiggyPigalle · 02/06/2025 19:29

Sorry OP, but I think everything from the move on, has been carefully planned.
You must decide whether you can accept that deceit.
Your partner wants a carer for his son. How long before he starts going out and you are left looking after him.

That already started earlier tonight, didn't it?

MissMoneyFairy · 02/06/2025 19:35

Why hasn't he got any money? He can go to the council emergency housing office, you can pay for them to stay in a hotel for a few nights if you want to, yes he should be in school, with his mum and his siblings, not causing havoc in your house. You can contact the school and explain the situation. How long are you prepared to wait until he gets enough money to rent his own place, how did he survive before they moved in with you.

rubicustellitall · 02/06/2025 19:35

And there we go..stuff your well meaning advice ladies the old ones are the best aren't they? Misery loves company OP you just stay there with your BUT I LOVE HIM shite and see where it gets you. Grow up ffs and if nothing else think of that little kid who needs his mum who will be suffering ,frightened and unsure.He needs to be safe.Keep with dickhead cocklodger but please get of here and ring SS for that poor little boy,

Away2000 · 02/06/2025 19:35

Has the child’s mother agreed to this? It sounds very irrational of your partner to decide to keep his son full time whilst homeless and no plans in place for school etc. When he stormed off did he take his child with him or expect you to look after him?

Honestly do you really want to date someone who doesn’t respect your home, is moody and shouts/storms out, and fails to parent properly?

Original poster
Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:35

zenae · 02/06/2025 19:22

Hopefully social services will be all over this like a rash when the school safeguarding team, or whatever arm of the school is responsible reports the child as a non attender.

But you will stay with him, hoping he will get his own accommodation soon. I'm sorry to say it, but you are a bit naive and trusting.

Do you work yourself? Can you imagine what you will return home to every day he and child are there if you do? If you don't work, well that's another child with possibly two parents out of work, and one in loco parentis who doesn't work either, and who doesn't want him.

I don't really care what you do as you seem to have stars in your eyes for a loser and there's no hope for that, but I do hope the child gets some help here. I am so sad about the kid, no wonder he's acting out, he doesn't know where he is, where his mum is, and hears his Dad roaring at his girlfriend. Special needs or not that child is in need of a lot of support and a stable family.

So stay with him. You don't seem to have any other plan do you?

Yes I'm harsh, no apologies for that. There is a child at stake here, that's what's upsetting me.

Of course I work! I have my own business. I am coming home from work to an absolute shit hole which is infuriating me even more. My partner was doing bits of work with one of his friends who last week told him he can’t keep bringing his son to work so yet again he’s back to not working, it’s like he hasn’t thought any of it through!

OP posts:
Lilactimes · 02/06/2025 19:35

Createausername1970 · 02/06/2025 19:20

Yes, my bad, I got interrupted and pressed send too soon.

I meant to end with a final paragraph to say along the lines of. "However, this is another level, he has just moved his son in to YOUR home (not even a joint home) with no consultation or even a plan.

My suggestion would be for OP pay for him to go to a B&B or a guesthouse for one or two nights and get the locks changed pronto. Then he can report to the council as homeless with a child. It would be the quickest way to get him rehomed, I think.

Show quote history

Hi @Feelinglost10
This is potentially a way out of this nightmare.
You are being swindled by this man - I’m afraid he doesn’t love you but sees a way you can give him a life without work. I’m sorry but this is a really unhappy situation that you’re in the middle of. This man is awful.

Book him a room in a hotel and say if he stays there he can claim he’s homeless more easily and go to the council quickly and you’ll help him/ take him there. Say it’s just temp.
Then the minute he’s gone or you’ve dropped him off get the emergency locksmith in and change the locks. I know it’s an awful awful thing to do the young lad - but really he needs really experienced foster parents who can help him rather than his loser of a father.
and absolutely make sure you’ve informed Social Services as the poor lad needs help.

sending lots of love and luck … and in the very short term can someone have your dog for the evening so he’s out of the way? X

2025ismybestyear · 02/06/2025 19:35

He's an adult. The child isn't your responsibility. You don't get brownie points from anyone, and certainly won't from him, for trying to be the heroine here. Tell him they both need to go and then be single.

MatildaMovesMountains · 02/06/2025 19:36

He doesn't love you. He never has and never will. He saw you coming, recognised your vulnerability, and made his move.

Copperoliverbear · 02/06/2025 19:36

I’m sorry but they would both be finding somewhere else to live. He is taking the p out of you, stand up for yourself and ask them to leave

tripleginandtonic · 02/06/2025 19:37

He will be eligible for social housing if he has his son full time, he won't be on the streets. Woman up, tell him no.

Original poster
Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:37

rubicustellitall · 02/06/2025 19:35

And there we go..stuff your well meaning advice ladies the old ones are the best aren't they? Misery loves company OP you just stay there with your BUT I LOVE HIM shite and see where it gets you. Grow up ffs and if nothing else think of that little kid who needs his mum who will be suffering ,frightened and unsure.He needs to be safe.Keep with dickhead cocklodger but please get of here and ring SS for that poor little boy,

Does it make you feel good coming on here and tearing others down when they are in a bit situation? Maybe you should think deeper into that misery loves company cos u seem very nasty towards complete strangers on a form. U do know u can just scroll on if you have nothing nice to say?

OP posts:
MatildaMovesMountains · 02/06/2025 19:37

Feelinglost10 · 02/06/2025 19:35

Of course I work! I have my own business. I am coming home from work to an absolute shit hole which is infuriating me even more. My partner was doing bits of work with one of his friends who last week told him he can’t keep bringing his son to work so yet again he’s back to not working, it’s like he hasn’t thought any of it through!

Show quote history

YOU need to think this through. And then act. But will you?