Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Don’t really want a man this badly?

Does work, homeless, duff parent, steals a child from his own mother, used his girlfriends, shows no respect, doesn’t communicate, no compromise or discussion,

You have a LOW bar

OP maybe we are freaking you out here so I'll come at it a different way...

Every person who has replied would instantly get him out of your house and be pretty happy to do so, is there a reason you don't think like that?

Does it scare you to take charge? Hate the thought of him being annoyed at you? Hate confrontation?

Even if you didn't want to make this about breaking up you can tell him its moved way to fast and you need your house back urgently, possibly continue the relationship if you want but stop living in a horrible environment to keep someone else happy.
I hope we can get through to you or maybe you can let us know why you can't see this like everyone else can...

Out of interest how did he "lose" his other property if he was already living in your area in his own house?

And does the mum know where the child is or not?.. if the answer is no and she has no idea where he has been taken, you will be complicit in child abduction.. you need to find out, not just assume that she wouldn't care.

If you're going to play the "But I love 'im" game, regardless of what toss-pot scumbag you've attracted, this is what you get.

Have better standards for yourself.

Full time without consultation. in her own home? No OP probably didn't foresee that.

Your DP is a CF, his DS autistic, one is a much bigger issue than the other and it’s not the DS!

Homeless

Jobless

Shit dad

Aggressive and nasty to you

Why do you want to help him?

Tell him to pack his bags and take his kids with him.

You've had numerous replies on currently 11 pages saying the same - kick him and his son out. You are not responsible for him or his son. He's using you for free housing, meals, childcare and sex. He doesn't give two hoots about your feelings, your home or your dog. He won't be looking for anywhere to live, why would he, if he's living with you rent and bill free! The only person who can resolve the problem is you!

You’re right OP in terms of what you’re pissed off about. Everyone here agrees with you in that sense.

But why don’t you know what to do? You need to get rid of him. That, or putting up with it, are your only options and you seem reluctant to actually tell him to do one.

The mum is do busy getting preggers again to care. You also need to phone social services when they are gone, poor kid 😟

The issue, surely, is that he IS now living with you full time - plus his son - and you don't seem to want to do anything about it

Good luck when the landlord finds out you've imported a complete loser and his destructive child though; at this rate it won't just be your "partner" who lacks somewhere to live

THIS. Please, please get rid of this loser pronto. Not. Your. Problem.

Prioritise your dog if you won't do it for yourself. This will not change unless you sort it. How dare he?!

It’s so incredibly irresponsible of him to take his child away from his home, school, siblings etc, especially if he has autism, with no forward planning and not even the agreement of the person whose responsibility it is to house them, despite this potentially putting their tenancy at risk. That’s not a father with their child’s best interests at heart or who understands their child’s needs. That’s also not a partner who respects the needs of their partner or values their opinion. I therefore think it’s safe to say this relationship won’t work and in my opinion the fairest thing to do for the child would be for you to pull the plug now. You can direct your partner to the local housing team to explore emergency accommodation. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that prompted him to send his son back, in which case he’ll likely come knocking on your door and you’ll have to decide what you want to do about that.

Just tell him he and his son need to leave by the end of the week or you'll have the police remove them. And for God's sake dump the loser! He's just a lazy, abusive cocklodger 🤷‍♀️

I'm afraid they can. I had a private rental for a short period and in my tenancy it stated that I had to ask permission if someone was "staying" with me for more than X days (can't remember the exact date)
They will see it as breach of contract otherwise.

Seems harsh but some landlords are like this, mine even came over once every 3 months to "check his property was ok"

Have a read through

Op with men like this they will use your empathy and female socialisation against you. They know full well that for most women being considered cruel, unkind or uncaring towards children is one of the worst things you can be. They also know that 'wicked step mother' stories are drummed in from a young age as the main villian of a lot of fairy tales. They use this against you and will imply that this is what you are if you don't accept anything / everything related to their child.

You'll probably get a combination of comments about how uncaring you are mixed with guilt tripping and then some love bombing and noises about they dream of you all being a 'family'. Don't listen to this, it's all manipulation. You are perfectly within your rights to say 'this isn't what I signed up for so you need to take your son back to his home and find your own place now'.

Also no mother, regardless of how many kids she's got is going to not notice they are around. Have you seen any messages from her or just heard from him?

Is he keeping the son as way to get priority on the housing list?
Would they give priority to him as the homeless parent of a child with additional needs?
Otherwise he is a single
man and lower priority?

Is she though?? or is that just what OP has been told?? Abusive people always slag their exes off and blame them for all the faults in the relationship, for all we know she could be worried sick with no way of knowing where he is.

This guy has a reason for doing what he is doing and I wouldn't be surprised that he is banking on moving in full time and her not kicking him out because he has a child with him.

Seems to be working.

Is his mum in agreement with him not returning his son? Simply say his son cannot live here anymore and must return to his mother or he needs to find his own place.

You didn’t sign up for this. It’s been steam rolled on you.

Of course he is.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the mother isn’t in on the idea. I have literally heard this exact scenario before.

Yes, my bad, I got interrupted and pressed send too soon.

I meant to end with a final paragraph to say along the lines of. "However, this is another level, he has just moved his son in to YOUR home (not even a joint home) with no consultation or even a plan.

My suggestion would be for OP pay for him to go to a B&B or a guesthouse for one or two nights and get the locks changed pronto. Then he can report to the council as homeless with a child. It would be the quickest way to get him rehomed, I think.

Have you actually read any of this thread? Ridiculous comment.

Omg jobless homeless total cocklodger! I’ll bet he knows the mum gets extra money for the disabled child and if he gets classed as carer he won’t have to work, you will end up with police round doing a welfare check and social services as he isn’t at school, father hasn’t returned him to his actual home etc. Big red flags with this situation.

Hopefully social services will be all over this like a rash when the school safeguarding team, or whatever arm of the school is responsible reports the child as a non attender.

But you will stay with him, hoping he will get his own accommodation soon. I'm sorry to say it, but you are a bit naive and trusting.

Do you work yourself? Can you imagine what you will return home to every day he and child are there if you do? If you don't work, well that's another child with possibly two parents out of work, and one in loco parentis who doesn't work either, and who doesn't want him.

I don't really care what you do as you seem to have stars in your eyes for a loser and there's no hope for that, but I do hope the child gets some help here. I am so sad about the kid, no wonder he's acting out, he doesn't know where he is, where his mum is, and hears his Dad roaring at his girlfriend. Special needs or not that child is in need of a lot of support and a stable family.

So stay with him. You don't seem to have any other plan do you?

Yes I'm harsh, no apologies for that. There is a child at stake here, that's what's upsetting me.