Partner just thinking he can bring his son to live with me

[Feelinglost10]

this is a long one but I just feel really emotional now and don’t know what to do. Basically my partner is originally from a few hours away but has moved to my area and had his own place which he has recently lost. His 6yr old autistic son came to visit him 2 weeks ago and my partner has now decided he isn’t sending him home as he doesn’t want to go back, no conversation with me if I’m ok him staying with me or nothing. I only got my new home a month ago and already my brand new couch is covered in marks and disgusting because of his son, my house is a mess, my dog is over stimulated constantly, the noise is unbearable, he’s meant to be in school but clearly cos he’s up here he isn’t so he’s here 247 I don’t get a minute. It’s all too much. I don’t mind my partner staying with me until he sorts himself out but how do I tell him I am NOT ready to be the full time co parent of a 6yr old autistic child and it’s really overwhelming me to the point I’m sitting in my bedroom crying. It’s too much. His son thinks he’s rules the roost, eats all my things, hides stuff, leaves mess everywhere, doesn’t have any respect for my home. This was meant to be my new start, my safe space, and now I just feel it’s been invaded and I don’t know what to do. I tried to bring it up today and got screamed at clearly i mustn’t love his son or want a family life etc. I never asked or signed up for this tho?! Am I being a selfish idiot or?

Phone the police and get him removed and the child back to the custodial parent

Beyond the current situation, which sounds difficult for everyone involved, if you want to be in a relationship with this man then you have to accept that he has a six year old autistic son who he wants in his life, and whom he will (naturally) prioritise over you.

Either you accept that and adapt or you shouldn’t be in this relationship. You cannot build any sort of relationship with someone who is a parent with out understanding and accepting that their relationship with their child and the safety and protection of that child will always take priority.

You cannot do that with conditions and parameters set. There is no, ‘I’m happy to accommodate your relationship with your child, as long as he only visits occasionally’. Things happen and a parent cannot be expected not to react and adapt if it does.

Now, of course, you are well within your rights to have a conversation about what’s happening now, and how things might work (him contributing for instance). But in the long term you really don’t sound like you want your partner’s child in your life in any real sense and certainly not in any realistic way.

I agree to all of the above PP who say that this is unacceptable.

I understand that his obligation is to his son, but this child isn't your's, wasn't part of the 'deal' when you got together & you shouldn't be railroaded into looking after a child who has significant extra needs.

You need to tell your partner this.

I find it interesting that his proposed place fell through - I'm wondering if this was genuine & he's making it up.

This scenario almost sounds unbelievable.😉

That's the thing, she is sounding off but not really listening to us, sounding off allows her to discharge some of the stress so that she can tolerate the situation.
OP you have to accept that this relationship is over and put your energy into getting rid of this man and his son.

I haven’t broke up with him so “she” isn’t taking anyone back.

I get he’s in a shit situation and times are hard right now n of course I wana help but it’s just the fact he has decided now is a good time to have his son come live with him full time when he doesn’t even have the facilities to do so?! And just seems to think I should take this on. It’s me who’s gonna end up covering the cost of it and I honestly don’t want to. It isn’t even like we planned it n got him into a school etc

It honestly sounds like he’s using you, OP.

Get rid of asap. Good luck.

(and good luck to this poor child who seems to have a set of less than great parents)

Take control, get rid.

If he really loved you he wouldn’t do this or be treating you like this. I’d be so resentful.

Honestly, call the Police. There's no guarantee he's got Joint Parental Responsibility, the Mum could be going absolutely spare wondering where he is and you don't know whether there were any safeguarding concerns (which I bet there were) about his father being around him in the first place.

The Police can remove both of them, ensure that the boy hasn't actually been abducted and get him back safely where he belongs - with his Mum - or if the Mum has actually agreed to this, his father can go to the council and present as homeless. They'll also make sure there isn't an urgent safeguarding issue, as well as the obvious distress this is causing the kid.

@Feelinglost10 You just tell him he will have to move out with the child - like in the next few days. You just tell him it's not working for you and you need your own space back

I haven’t broke up with him

Why not?

You tell him he has to take him son back home tomorrow.. simple.

Nailed it.

I give up, she sounds as dumb as the cocklodger who's shafting her, wtf.

Has he heard of Premier Inn, Op? Does he have a credit card? Not really your worry either way, but he HAS to go. Now. You are not responsible for housing him or his DC. Stop enabling this abuse of your home and your boundaries.

He's decided now is a good time for his son to live with him BECAUSE he doesn't have the facilities to do so! He sees your free (to him) lovely house as a WONDERFUL place for YOU to look after his son.

As soon as he has his own place (which is only going to happen if you boot him out, btw, because he's not got a job) he will all of a sudden realise his son actually misses his mum. Zero chance he's going to full time parent his child, himself.

Your partner has decided to not return his 6 year old son to his ex?! The little lad 'didn't want to go home'!!! Unless the boy is in immediate danger from his Mum, then he needs to be returned to her! Does your ex have formal arrangements with regards to contact? You tell him that this is your home. He has moved his son in without asking or discussing it with you. You didn't sign up to be having a child living in your house on a permanent basis. You only agreed your boyfriend could stay temporarily, until he found somewhere else. That is no longer going to work for you, he and his son need to be gone by the weekend. No you aren't selfish. Your boyfriend has moved in (temporarily in your eyes) but he clearly sees it as a more permanent. It's time to get him out. Change the bloody locks and leave his personal items on the doorstep if you need too. He's a cocklodger.

Again...we agree. Yes you will be taking this on...so you need to stop it if that isn't what you want.
OP I am usually very calm and practical with these threads and would never start shouting for people to leave their partners but this is a bit crazy. You can't hide in your room while your house guest moves a kid in that's destroying your home and peace. If you can't do it for you then do it for your poor dog!

how do you mean you don’t know what to do? Why aren’t you telling him to leave?

@Feelinglost10

Please tell me that he's stormed out.
If so, then you should immediately do as suggested here.

I'd be tempted to lock the doors and then phone the police to give them notice of what the situation is so that they'll be aware of your situation when your partner comes back.

You do not deserve to be shouted at in your own home. He needs to go. He's not a nice man. He is using you for his own convenience.

So tell him to get out and stop thinking he can be a freeloading cocklodger!

How can you contemplate continuing any kind of relationship with someone so breathtakingly manipulative ?????

He's a user. He'll abuse your home and your trust. He's a selfish fucker with zero morals.

WTF is the matter with you? Why can't you see what you absolutely MUST do?

This and tell him to go to a hotel tonight that it’s over and not working.

Just kick him out - he and his son can go and live with other family members.

It sounds as though you have two alternatives:

1. tell your partner to leave with his son. If he refuses, call the police. He will probably break up with you but you will get your home back.
2. let him and his son live there with you.

You don't seem willing to do option 1 as, despite his horrible treatment of you, you seem desperate to stay in a relationship with him, so you will end up doing option 2 which is what is making you so upset. Unfortunately, there is no option 3 where he leaves quietly with his son after apologising for moving him and his child in without your consent and your relationship remains intact. There is no best of both worlds in this scenario. If I were you, I'd go for option 1.

I expect he will have exhausted all other options some time ago.