Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

[Clayless]

Hi, apologies if this gets long.

DH and I have been together 8 years, he is half British, half . He has 2 children, twins who are 17. I have 2 children who are 14 and 12, together we have a 6 year old.

Until last summer DHs children were living in France, for various reasons they have come to live with us and do their last 2 years of school. While in France DH would see them on all their holidays including a long stint with his parents in the summer and he paid for them to attend an international school. Their mother passed away when they were 13, but they continued to live in France with their maternal grandparents as they didn’t want to move and he couldn’t move due to work and our child together.

Anyway when they arrived here we immediately enrolled them in independent schools, we shifted rooms about including having my 14 and 12 year old share as we only have a 5 bedroom house. We were excited to have them and have enjoyed having them live with us.

However, things seemed to take a turn after Christmas, I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to. Little things like knowing where they were at any given time, no boyfriends/girlfriends in their room. They only turned 17 in the middle of May.

His DD was easier than his DS. She immediately got a part time job saying we didn’t give her enough money and she hated being in the house with us. She works Saturdays and Wednesday evenings in a restaurant. Through this she met a 22 year old lad and they started dating. We said under no circumstances could he stay in her room but on several occasions we’d come home from work to him and her cuddling in her bed. She would also lie to us and say she was sleeping over at a friends but actually be at his.

His DS on the other hand would swear at us, tell us we were controlling etc. He would leave his room a total mess, he refused to do any chores, occasionally skipped school and just generally had no respect.

Now about 5 weeks ago (so still 16). We had taken my children and our little one to see my parents for the day, his 2 didn’t want to come. We got back and everything more or less was gone from his DD’s room. All her clothes, her expensive keyboard we bought, her expensive tennis rackets, books everything. When we asked his DS where she was he said she’d decided to move in with her 22 year old boyfriend. He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too”. Eventually we were able to talk to her and she said she would still go to school but she wasn’t coming back to live with us as it was depressing and made her miserable. She kept pointing out she was 16 and could legally move out. We have been able to find out she’s living with her boyfriend in a flat share (seriously doubt the landlord knows she’s there or her age). DH was devastated but has decided not to force it.

2 weeks later his DS moved in with his maternal cousin (sleeping on his sofa) and is refusing to come back too.

DH is insisting he will still pay for their school, and is sending them money for the tube/clothes/food. He said the only thing he won’t be providing for them is money for rent as if they can’t afford that they can always come back here. He said he also won’t be asking them to return any of them items they took.

AIBU to think if they want provided for they should live here and if they are happy to no longer live here then we shouldn’t provide for them anymore?
We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

It's not even suggested by OPs posts that they even knew her before moving in.

The OP talks about her DH spending holidays with his DC IN France, including long summer stints with his parents there but zero mention of them coming to the UK for visits.

Oh come on @Clayless, you know it would be unreasonable to cut them off surely?

Do we think the “various reasons” were a grandparent dying? Is that perhaps why OP is being coy? Because if so, that’s another massive loss for them. Poor little buggers, losing one person they love after another.

Of course he should be supporting them. They are his children.

He should have been a much bigger presence in their lives before they moved to the UK. That way, he could have actually parented them when they were younger. You can't expect a couple of 17 year olds to suddenly fall in line with your rules if that's not how they were brought up.

The poor kids lost their mum and had a dad that lived in an entirely different country to them (with their step and half siblings to boot). They are allowed to rebel a bit.

Maybe it's because granny couldn't cope with teenagers going through the grief of losing their mother, whilst she grieved the loss of her daughter? Sounds tough all round.

Whatever the reason, it's another upheaval in their life at just 15/16, after a traumatic event at 13. All quite hard ages for this to happen.

Are you seriously asking Mumsnet whether your husband should be financially supporting his minor children?

You know, if their mum was still alive and they were living with her she would be able to claim child support. Taking the view that he shouldn't have to support them because their mum isn't alive to make the claim is absolutely wild.

It's also very unusual for not just one but two 17 year olds to move out, however unhappy they are with their living arrangements.

Things must be bad if your stepdaughter has moved in with her 22 year old boyfriend and your stepson is couch surfing with his cousin. Those poor kids.

Unlikely given they lived there for four years after their mum died. Their lives are a mess.

JFC. You have driven your step son to sleep on a random relative’s sofa and your step daughter potentially to trade sex for a roof over her head. These are school children potentially studying for A levels or the IB.

You should both be ashamed. In the unlikely event that they are still attending school, ask the school to mediate, apologise and welcome them back home.

As inconvenient as it is, as bratty as they may be, they are your husband’s kids and you need to act as a parent even if it is an act. Imagine if you died and your kids were driven away?

Landlady here- I wouldn't be in the least bit fussed as long as they didn't trash the flat or annoy the neighbours and she isn't being coerced.

Did I detect a note of glee from OP that the landlord might give them a hard time?

Oh and OP you are being VVV unreasonable.

Their mother passed away less than 4 years ago, they are more than likely still grieving. Their father absolutely should continue to provide for them, and what he’s offered is completely fair.

The daughter is still only 16 and the least their father owes them both is an education. As far as I can see, DSD took only items that had been bought for her and hasn't made off with any of your personal possessions. She's independent and took a part-time job. In many respects she's a dream daughter (allowing for the fact that 16-year olds who are dating are likely to be having sex whether their parents want them to or not). The son's behaviour sounds less than ideal, but it's just as likely that he's kicking off because he is obviously miserable. The living arrangement he's chosen can only ever work on a very temporary basis - it makes him completely dependent on others and offers no stability or security.

If it's any comfort, neither set of living arrangements are likely to work out even in the medium term. Sofa surfing isn't viable for the duration and boyfriends at 16 don't tend to last. You might find them moving back before you know it, which I'm sure isn't really the solution you want from this. The position in your post is that you want their father to wash his hands of his children and stop providing for them. He isn't going to. His own response and actions have made that clear. Nor should he. Frankly, any man incapable of even this minimal obligation would be out of my door, as this isn't the type of man I'd choose to spend my life with.

So, if DH says 'no', what then?

I don’t think we’re going to hear from @Clayless again somehow.

Don't forget she's also pissed off that DH isn't making them return items that were bought for them.

Apparently in OPs world they're only entitled to be fed and clothed and keep possessions they were given if they're living under her roof under her rules.

You lost me at expensive tennis racket. Really? You’re worried about a bloody racket

YABU. They are still his kids and he is responsible until they are 18. It’s no different to him paying fees for school abroad, going to see them, pay for them etc

Yep. Grim.

Also notable that they "only" have a five bedroom house and "immediately enrolled them in independent schools" so there is clearly absolutely no shortage of cash.

We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

Well you could re-write that to…

His kids have much less (in terms of time and money) from him due to him providing for your 2 children who are not even related to him and a third child he decided to have whilst living in a different country to them for the majority of their lives.

Wow. Their mother is dead. They've had to relocate countries. They're actually still children.

Maybe chisel your way through your own stone cold heart and try and find a bit of compassion.

I just hope it was made up.

YABU, sorry. I can understand it’s tough for you financially and seems unfair- but of course at that age he should continue to pay for their education as if they were still living at home and tbh ideally he’d give them any extra that he would have normally spent on them if they still lived there too (food, clothing costs etc).

Try to see it from their point of view (rather than as an adult with your own children who are understandably your priority) - these kids are swimming in teenage hormones with the all the emotional volatility that comes with that, are living in a new country, were living in a new home with relative strangers (you and your older children) with a new parenting structure and their Mum died only 4 years ago! I’m not surprised they are acting out. Your DH needs to keep the lines of communication open and do anything he can to achieve this, otherwise he risks alienating his kids imo.

Those poor children. You're being vile.

They're his CHILDREN. And they still are children. It's not their fault their dad dumped them and moved countries to shack up with another woman. Christ OP put yourself in their shoes. Their mum is dead and their dad put his new wife ahead of them.

Lol thanks for the little telling off there

Your children aren't going without - he's paying what he would have had to pay anyway.

Teenagers behave badly. Ones who have been devastated by by the death of their mother at a very young age are especially likely to do so.

You are not coming at the problem from that perspective, and your approach to this whole issue does give some clues as to why both traumatised children have left, which is unusual.

But OP says HER children are 'going without'.

I wonder what 'going without' means to the OP and HER children?

It clearly doesn't mean 'going without a Dad except during school holidays' like her step-DC have had to deal with for years.

She has 50/50 custody with her ex for her DC from a previous relationship and her DC with DH has had Dad around from day 1. And all living in a 5 bed house till last summer.

They were paying for OPs step-kids independent schools anyway so that hasn't changed.

So agreed, not convinced that her DH throwing a few hundred quid at his kids for living costs has pushed the family into financial hardship. It can't be more than that since he's said he won't pay toward rent but just food/transport and clothes and the DD only left 5 weeks ago and the DS, 3..