Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

[Clayless]

Hi, apologies if this gets long.

DH and I have been together 8 years, he is half British, half . He has 2 children, twins who are 17. I have 2 children who are 14 and 12, together we have a 6 year old.

Until last summer DHs children were living in France, for various reasons they have come to live with us and do their last 2 years of school. While in France DH would see them on all their holidays including a long stint with his parents in the summer and he paid for them to attend an international school. Their mother passed away when they were 13, but they continued to live in France with their maternal grandparents as they didn’t want to move and he couldn’t move due to work and our child together.

Anyway when they arrived here we immediately enrolled them in independent schools, we shifted rooms about including having my 14 and 12 year old share as we only have a 5 bedroom house. We were excited to have them and have enjoyed having them live with us.

However, things seemed to take a turn after Christmas, I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to. Little things like knowing where they were at any given time, no boyfriends/girlfriends in their room. They only turned 17 in the middle of May.

His DD was easier than his DS. She immediately got a part time job saying we didn’t give her enough money and she hated being in the house with us. She works Saturdays and Wednesday evenings in a restaurant. Through this she met a 22 year old lad and they started dating. We said under no circumstances could he stay in her room but on several occasions we’d come home from work to him and her cuddling in her bed. She would also lie to us and say she was sleeping over at a friends but actually be at his.

His DS on the other hand would swear at us, tell us we were controlling etc. He would leave his room a total mess, he refused to do any chores, occasionally skipped school and just generally had no respect.

Now about 5 weeks ago (so still 16). We had taken my children and our little one to see my parents for the day, his 2 didn’t want to come. We got back and everything more or less was gone from his DD’s room. All her clothes, her expensive keyboard we bought, her expensive tennis rackets, books everything. When we asked his DS where she was he said she’d decided to move in with her 22 year old boyfriend. He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too”. Eventually we were able to talk to her and she said she would still go to school but she wasn’t coming back to live with us as it was depressing and made her miserable. She kept pointing out she was 16 and could legally move out. We have been able to find out she’s living with her boyfriend in a flat share (seriously doubt the landlord knows she’s there or her age). DH was devastated but has decided not to force it.

2 weeks later his DS moved in with his maternal cousin (sleeping on his sofa) and is refusing to come back too.

DH is insisting he will still pay for their school, and is sending them money for the tube/clothes/food. He said the only thing he won’t be providing for them is money for rent as if they can’t afford that they can always come back here. He said he also won’t be asking them to return any of them items they took.

AIBU to think if they want provided for they should live here and if they are happy to no longer live here then we shouldn’t provide for them anymore?
We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

Op you’ve described it as a ‘strop’ - it sounds an awful lot more serious than a strop.

Of course your husband should pay for schooling and food. Thats what most parents do for their 16/17 year old children.

Maybe if you need your own children from a different relationship provided for, you should be looking to yourself and their other parent rather than a man who has 2 clearly traumatised older children of his own as well as the child you both chose to bring into this mess.

i wonder when your own children decide to fly the coop.. if you will demand the same for your children as you have for his?

YABU

I agree. But then MN does not like men who have the cheek to start second families regardless of the circumstances.
The mother, of course, is OK doing this.
There is nothing MN likes better than an evil stepmother thread. It means posters can a project how they would never think like that and congratulate themselves on the perfect man they married.
The idea that this man should give up work to move to be beside his children when they were settled where they were is ridiculous. Yes he should have tried to get them to live either him, but if they didn't want to and were settled at school, I can well see why things panned out the way they did.
The OP is being awful here. She clearly dies not want his children disrupting her family and is glad to see the back of them. I guess she is also trying to manipulate her dh into thinking the same. That's terrible behaviour.
Still, it gives pps an opportunity to do that Poor, Poor Children and Those Poor Children routine. Along with Wow for good measure 🙄

Yabu

Completely unreasonable. Dh paid my son’s rent on a flat and he’s not even his child! Of course he has to support them!!! Will you be cutting off your joint child financially at the same age if they decide to move out?

My DD is 11 and these kids lost their mother when they were only 13. Around the age 2 of your kids are now. I can’t imagine how painful that would’ve been for them. Your DH did not do them a favour by paying for their international school there, that is the least he could have done. The teenage years are tough without such trauma in their lives so my heart goes out to them. I understand it was complicated and you say you could not leave the UK because you are co-parenting with an ex but basically your DH chose you, the child you have together, and your obligations and not his kids who lost their mum. That is a double loss for them. I’m not saying he doesn’t love them a lot but from a child’s perspective at the age of 13 I think that’s likely to be perceived as rejection. I get there was likely no ideal solution but the fact is you came out the best on what was decided- not your fault, his choice. But please show a little more compassion to these children. They came to your home carrying with them the loss of their mum and likely perceived rejection of their father. They are trying to find something to fill that hole. Who are they confiding in about their pain and fears? Who can they truly go to and be vulnerable with? You emphasised the moving of the bedrooms etc and I understand it was likely inconvenient etc and it feels like a big thing that was done to welcome them but there is SO much more to their transition from France to living you with all. Good luck x

Your DH's decisions sound fair enough. You sound like you need to stay out of it, and let him try to repair the damage between him and his oldest children.

YABU my parents still paid for stuff until I was well….until present day. It’s tapered off over the years and rightly so but there was no abrupt end. When I was 20 or so they still paid for me to go on family holiday with them. And then late twenties helped out with money when I needed it etc. you don’t just say right you’re X age no money ever again

I feel so sorry for these children, they have been through so much trauma in their young lives. Your husband is behaving appropriately of course. They are his children and they need his support, love, guidance and financial assistance more than ever. You need to develop some empathy for these kids.... They sound deeply unhappy in your house. Do you make them feel unwelcome? I would be doing everything I could to faciliate them repairing their relationship and ensuring that they feel welcome to return.

Yabu

And you are being petty about the keyboard and tennis rackets. Love to a child isn't taken back if they fly the nest. Yes he should pay for his children. They are teenagers figuring things out in a new country, and in a home they clearly don't feel they belong to. Their mum is dead. Make them feel more comfortable. Make them feel welcome. If you buy them an item, it's theirs to do with as they please.

It seems like a stressful situation, but they are young and put yourself in their shoes, think about your hormones and choices or wants when you were their age. Teens are teens. Also imagine the kind of grandparent love they have received back home, grandparents are different, they will have been coddled presumably after their mum died, dad only there for holidays. What a shit time for those siblings, at least they have each other.

I read it back and sorry it might come across harsh but it's my honest opinion 🥲

Nowhere in the OPs posts does it say the twins wanted to move to the UK or move in with OP and their Dad she just said 'for various reasons' they've come to live with them for their last 2 years of school.

In fact, it says they've been extremely unhappy to the point the DD has been exploited in a relationship by an older man and living with him in a flat-share with who knows how many people because living with OP and their Dad was miserable and depressing and the DS immediately said he wanted to leave too and thinks sleeping on a sofa is better.

Do you REALLY think that's because of not having enough pocket money or not being free to shag in their Dad's house?

Considering he abdicated responsibility to grandparents for years of course it was never going to be easy. Years of not being present and then being strict just was bound to be rebelled against. But yes, his children who are still at school need to be paid for - can’t cut them off just yet! Also with your own children, do you plan of being supportive after they turn 18? If they go to uni etc? Or would you feel similarly????

Poor children, they have been through such a lot losing their mother, and with a largely absent father. Try to imagine how you would feel if it were your own children in this situation, I expect you would be horrified and devastated.

You've really messed up.

These kids have no relationship with you and not much of one with their Dad. Trying to impose draconian rules on them without first establishing connection was a big mistake. Trying to tell nearly adults that they can't have a boyfriend or girlfriend in their room was another.

The fact that at this point you are digging your heels in instead of trying to make it up to them is worrying.

YABU. I hope your DH continues to support his DC, I really feel for them

You won't be back but I hope your still reading. This is why people shouldn't insist of having a children together when there's already existing children within the family. 4 children was more than enough, your dc had 2 parents where as they had 1 and he failed to step up and instead past the responsibility to grandparents. When it was too much for them he had them at his wife's displeasure and tried to enforce strict rules on 17 year olds. The fact the dd worked to avoid your house says alot. They voted with their feet and left you should be throughly ashamed of yourselves the pair of yous.

Op I know sp get a tough time on mn but this:

I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to.

coupled with you saying his children, my children, our children … I just hope you all have some good times together because I known mn only provides a snapshot and you have probably had a tough time of it

As others have said, he’s got to keep paying at their age.
I’m sure they’re very hard work. But they’re not under your feet, and I think you should recognize that you got away without the burden of his kids until they were 16, while your DH took on your two when they were primary school age (based on the age of your shared child). No doubt that will continue until they fly the nest. Why should he support your kids and not his own?

Confused why you want them to return the items that belong to them? You can’t take things back that you have given them because you are not getting your own way.

Your stepson called you controlling and from reading your thread its does seem to come across as that with the wanting them to return items and not realising they are 16 with jobs and a boyfriend.

P.s. I think no BF/GFs in bedrooms is entirely reasonable btw.

those poor teens lost their mum and have left their grandparents. I’d say they have gone through a lot and probably need support

At this point, it would be better if he stopped supporting you and your first 2 children, shared custody of your child together and became a proper, present father to these poor 17 year olds.

You sound deeply unpleasant and stunningly petty. It is no wonder they couldn't stand living with you. This is one time I would really love to hear their side of this story, I am betting it is about much more than 'your structured approach'.

Ugh, I hate posts like yours. And yes, YABU in wanting him to leave his children destitute.

The OP only has a few posts, they don't take long to read.

But here's a summary -

DH split from the ex when the twins were little and the family were living in Canada (but are French citizens). When kids were still small, the whole family though the parents were split, moved to the UK. After 6 months, ex went back to France taking the kids.

DH for some unexplained reason decided to stay in the UK and saw his kids in France in school holidays, including a long stint with them all staying with his parents in the summer. OP doesn't mention them ever coming to the UK to stay with OP and their Dad and step-siblings and half-sibling.

When they were 13 their Mum died and OP said DH couldn't leave her to move back to France to be with his kids because it wouldn't be fair to leave her, her kids from a previous relationship and their shared child because she couldn't move because her ex wouldn't ever agree to her moving to another country with their shared kids

The twins didn't want to move to the UK after their Mums death and their maternal GPs were happy to have them. OP says 'various reasons' caused this to change last summer and twins moved to the UK and moved in with OP and their Dad and have had a miserable time so moved out.

Now OP doesn't want DH to pay for their school or give them money for food.

@Clayless - this ^^^ would be my advice too.

I understand the issues and no, I disagree with a lot of posters here, in that I don't think your DH was particularly or solely to blame for the fact that their Mother took them to France and left him in the UK when they split up when the children were very small. From what you said, he did his best to stay on touch with them over the years and they didn't want to move to UK when their Mother died and GP's were happy to keep them ( and probably really wanted to keep them, as a link to their late Mother, their daughter, I'm assuming.)

It sounds like they MAY have been spoilt/over indulged by said Grandparents ( which is understandable, given the death of their Mother and clearly they aren't coping well with the move to UK, especially if your DH and you are being very strict with them, which they are not used to. That required careful handling.

Secondly, they are very nearly adults, although not quite there yet and they do require to be treated as such. They must be feeling very unsettled and unhappy for them both to move out and refuse to live at home with you any more. That's the bit that I think you need to consider in more detail. Demanding that you both need to know where either child is at any given moment is NOT reasonable (little things like knowing where they were at any given time was your own wording) but it isn't/wasn't a 'little' thing.

Your DS' comment He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too” is very telling and it does sound like they have been made to feel that they are not welcome in the least. I DO get the frustration you have that you are struggling with your Financial Situation ( so many people are right at the moment) but this is not the fault of the DSD or the DSS and you are quite wrong to be blaming them. Their Father is doing the right thing by them at the moment financially. They have been acting up as many teenagers would do in the situation you described and it doesn't sound like it has been handled correctly since they came to live with you? Did they actually even want to leave their home and their friends? If not, the situation required even MORE careful handling.

As a post scrip to the above. Your DH is wrong not to be trying to get his daughter back from living with a 22 year old man. But to do that, there needs to be a rethink on how you have been dealing with things up to date. Sorry!