Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

[Clayless]

Hi, apologies if this gets long.

DH and I have been together 8 years, he is half British, half . He has 2 children, twins who are 17. I have 2 children who are 14 and 12, together we have a 6 year old.

Until last summer DHs children were living in France, for various reasons they have come to live with us and do their last 2 years of school. While in France DH would see them on all their holidays including a long stint with his parents in the summer and he paid for them to attend an international school. Their mother passed away when they were 13, but they continued to live in France with their maternal grandparents as they didn’t want to move and he couldn’t move due to work and our child together.

Anyway when they arrived here we immediately enrolled them in independent schools, we shifted rooms about including having my 14 and 12 year old share as we only have a 5 bedroom house. We were excited to have them and have enjoyed having them live with us.

However, things seemed to take a turn after Christmas, I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to. Little things like knowing where they were at any given time, no boyfriends/girlfriends in their room. They only turned 17 in the middle of May.

His DD was easier than his DS. She immediately got a part time job saying we didn’t give her enough money and she hated being in the house with us. She works Saturdays and Wednesday evenings in a restaurant. Through this she met a 22 year old lad and they started dating. We said under no circumstances could he stay in her room but on several occasions we’d come home from work to him and her cuddling in her bed. She would also lie to us and say she was sleeping over at a friends but actually be at his.

His DS on the other hand would swear at us, tell us we were controlling etc. He would leave his room a total mess, he refused to do any chores, occasionally skipped school and just generally had no respect.

Now about 5 weeks ago (so still 16). We had taken my children and our little one to see my parents for the day, his 2 didn’t want to come. We got back and everything more or less was gone from his DD’s room. All her clothes, her expensive keyboard we bought, her expensive tennis rackets, books everything. When we asked his DS where she was he said she’d decided to move in with her 22 year old boyfriend. He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too”. Eventually we were able to talk to her and she said she would still go to school but she wasn’t coming back to live with us as it was depressing and made her miserable. She kept pointing out she was 16 and could legally move out. We have been able to find out she’s living with her boyfriend in a flat share (seriously doubt the landlord knows she’s there or her age). DH was devastated but has decided not to force it.

2 weeks later his DS moved in with his maternal cousin (sleeping on his sofa) and is refusing to come back too.

DH is insisting he will still pay for their school, and is sending them money for the tube/clothes/food. He said the only thing he won’t be providing for them is money for rent as if they can’t afford that they can always come back here. He said he also won’t be asking them to return any of them items they took.

AIBU to think if they want provided for they should live here and if they are happy to no longer live here then we shouldn’t provide for them anymore?
We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

I was a bit of a twat, sorry.

Fucking hell. So many problems here.

Let’s start with the easy one - your h told the kids that it was ok to take their stuff from his house. Wtaf? Are gifts conditional in your household? if your kids go to uni will you forbid them from taking stuff from your house? I bet that you won’t care that they’ve taken their expensive keyboard or whatever because gifts don’t come with strings.

It sounds like you and your h parented the 16 year olds like they were your children’s ages. Either your h had no clue what life was like with the grandparents or he didn’t consider their feelings if they went from relaxed to strict parenting. Either way he’s not a good dad. Your stepchildren rebelled because you were treating them much younger. If you’d treated them like their age then I’d be willing to bet that at least one of them would be living with you. I have young adult children so know that the stricter you are, the more they will rebel. Having a rule like you need to know where they are at all times was setting up the situation where your sd lied to you.

Your h is right to pay school fees and enough for tube and food as if they were at uni. Not paying for school would drive them further away from your h and not allow them to return if they break up with the bf or decide that the couch is too uncomfortable. Their school attendance is the key to their future success and choices like where to live because of the employment opportunities that come from qualifications.

The thing is, there were alternatives…

Your DH could have moved to France and visited you and your children regularly. This apparently was an ideal set up with his older children the majority of their lives.

Or, you could have left your older children with their dad and visited them during the holidays. Just like the step children had during the majority of their lives.

Be honest with yourself and your step children. The alternatives didn’t work for YOU so they didn’t happen and were not considered. It is one rule for you and your kids and another set of rules for them.

Hear hear!

The fact that you are so keen to cut them off screams volumes. I very much doubt that you have behaved as reasonably as you've tried to present yourself here.

I'd be fascinated to hear why BOTH children have opted to leave in their own words.

How would you feel if you were the twins natural mother? You would expect him to still support them.

Maybe OP wants the tennis rackets for her children form another father.

Can this story even be true?

I think it's fair enough to say he shouldn't pay any extra because they chose to move out, eg their rent or bills, but totally unfair to say he should stop paying things he was paying anyway, eg education, travel, or they should return things bought specifically for them.

You really want them to have to drop out of education because of a teenage argument about living rules and boyfriends when they have been through a lot of trauma, change and loss?
This way DH keeps as positive a relationship as possible and there's a good chance they'll come back when novelty of new living arrangements wear off or rent starts being asked for. If he cuts them off financially completely that would probably be the last nail in the coffin of their relationship.

They are children with only one living parent. Who else would fund them? And if they want uni it shouldn't stop completely at 18 either!

They went through so much trauma and as a parent I would have tried to prioritise their stability over mine until they were 18.
As a parent I would have commuted between the 2 countries (I don’t know how 2x international school fees compare to 2x London independent fees) before making them be the ones to face upheaval again. They’re only 17 and honestly through more than many adults

I suspect if they were your bio kids you wouldn't have an issue with them being financially supported at 17.....

There is far more to this story than you have posted about here.

These poor kids have;

Been moved all across the world at the whim of the adults in their lives

lost their mum whilst still very young

Had a holiday romance with their father and from your post naff all of it involved you

Been moved to the UK at a sensitive age with very little compassion to easing them in gently to the change of regime

Sorry but yabvu and their dad is trying to recoup his relationship with them which you should be supporting.

You seem tone deaf to their needs @Clayless but worse you seem to resent their presence in your life.

You married a man with kids. They were there first. How would you feel.if it was your 12 & 14 year old and your dh demanded you stopped funding them? I guarantee you'd be pissed off.

Those kids need support not vitriol.

Yes, I agree with this. I also really winced when you listed all the things you did/bought for them, like they were favours that they should be grateful for rather than exactly what their father owed them as their dad (it sounds as though you might be better off than average, that's fine, but when you have resources, you use them to provide the best you can for your kids).

They've not been prioritised or even treated as equals ever and they have suffered more upheaval and tragedy than most kids their age. Your husband, their father, is quite right to be refusing to cut the connection - they're still under 18, too - and I hope that with time they'll realise he is indeed a constant that they can depend on. They haven't had enough of that.

I think the issues are your very strict rules. 17 and can’t have her bf in her own room? Why not? And of course their father should pay. I feel very sorry for them-to move countries, to live with others including step siblings and not even enjoy privacy? YABVU

Those poor kids ,you sound awful.Of course they should be supported

I have seen some shitty blended family threads on here but this is one of the worse

Twins have lost their mum, had to move countries and then been treated in a way that they want to move out of the family home all before they are 18. And now their step mother wants to financially cut them off. As pp’s have said there needs to be some reflection between you and your husband on how it has got this far since they moved over

She doesn't have to share. The OP has a five bed house. The OP's two DC (14 and 12) share and the two step DC have a room each. That leaves a room for OP and DH and a room for the six year old.

It may legal for a 17 year old to live with a 22 year old, but I would see it as a safeguarding issue, she is a minor, in law still a child. What happens when she falls out with him - which she will?

Of course he should be supporting them, they are teenagers who have lost their mum !!!!! Honestly I thought you were going to say they were late 20,s !!!!

It’s really telling that you say his DD wasn’t as bad because she never wanted to be in

Eventually we were able to talk to her and she said she would still go to school but she wasn’t coming back to live with us as it was depressing and made her miserable.
Why were you involve din this chat with her? You don't know her, you don't like her, should this not have been a private conversation between your dh and his dd?

You are being totally unreasonable. They are his kids, they lost their mum and they are miserable. I think your DH is doing 100% the right thing.

Yabu…very much so. Poor kids. Your DH should have stepped up way more when their mum died.
Parents, and particularly a mother dying young is a massive thing, I assume this is way out of your experience and your parents are still alive well into your middle age OP, otherwise you would be more sympathetic to their plight.

Hate to break it to you, but he is financially responsible for them, even up until the age of 25 if they remain in education.

The Items the DD took, are her items. They aren’t yours. She can take what is hers.

Poor girl, that she feels the need to leave home as a 17 yr old child to go live with a 22yr old man because of her home life. Seriously think about that OP.

Another yes to this post!

Those poor kids. You sound like you cannot wait to wash your hands of them. They cannot catch a break with the adults in their lives, can they?

I really hope you actually take some of this one board and maybe seek some guidance on how to be the compassionate, trustworthy, caring step parent that they need.

Did he financially support them while they were living with their grandparents in France? Because surely paying for their travel, living and education expenses is just a continuation of the expenses he was paying their grandparents?

I think your DH is right, he should absolutely be helping his children financially. I’d be furious if he wasn’t.