Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

[Clayless]

Hi, apologies if this gets long.

DH and I have been together 8 years, he is half British, half . He has 2 children, twins who are 17. I have 2 children who are 14 and 12, together we have a 6 year old.

Until last summer DHs children were living in France, for various reasons they have come to live with us and do their last 2 years of school. While in France DH would see them on all their holidays including a long stint with his parents in the summer and he paid for them to attend an international school. Their mother passed away when they were 13, but they continued to live in France with their maternal grandparents as they didn’t want to move and he couldn’t move due to work and our child together.

Anyway when they arrived here we immediately enrolled them in independent schools, we shifted rooms about including having my 14 and 12 year old share as we only have a 5 bedroom house. We were excited to have them and have enjoyed having them live with us.

However, things seemed to take a turn after Christmas, I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to. Little things like knowing where they were at any given time, no boyfriends/girlfriends in their room. They only turned 17 in the middle of May.

His DD was easier than his DS. She immediately got a part time job saying we didn’t give her enough money and she hated being in the house with us. She works Saturdays and Wednesday evenings in a restaurant. Through this she met a 22 year old lad and they started dating. We said under no circumstances could he stay in her room but on several occasions we’d come home from work to him and her cuddling in her bed. She would also lie to us and say she was sleeping over at a friends but actually be at his.

His DS on the other hand would swear at us, tell us we were controlling etc. He would leave his room a total mess, he refused to do any chores, occasionally skipped school and just generally had no respect.

Now about 5 weeks ago (so still 16). We had taken my children and our little one to see my parents for the day, his 2 didn’t want to come. We got back and everything more or less was gone from his DD’s room. All her clothes, her expensive keyboard we bought, her expensive tennis rackets, books everything. When we asked his DS where she was he said she’d decided to move in with her 22 year old boyfriend. He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too”. Eventually we were able to talk to her and she said she would still go to school but she wasn’t coming back to live with us as it was depressing and made her miserable. She kept pointing out she was 16 and could legally move out. We have been able to find out she’s living with her boyfriend in a flat share (seriously doubt the landlord knows she’s there or her age). DH was devastated but has decided not to force it.

2 weeks later his DS moved in with his maternal cousin (sleeping on his sofa) and is refusing to come back too.

DH is insisting he will still pay for their school, and is sending them money for the tube/clothes/food. He said the only thing he won’t be providing for them is money for rent as if they can’t afford that they can always come back here. He said he also won’t be asking them to return any of them items they took.

AIBU to think if they want provided for they should live here and if they are happy to no longer live here then we shouldn’t provide for them anymore?
We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

Well to be honest, it starts a lot further back doesn't it?

A good father wouldn't have lived in a different country from his children in the first place. So he would never have been in the position of having fathered children in multiple countries.

Such problems were baked in from the point one of their parents decided to start another family in another country. Feckless. Compromised everyone's futures.

He's really not going to win father of the year awards but paying for them is the least he could do. He absolutely should support them financially, they are so young.

They're his minor children. Of course he should be paying for their school and food.

I'd be having a serious think about why 2 DC find living in your house so intolerable that they felt the need to move out. Especially to sofa-surf.

It’s complicated actually, they split when they were tiny, at that point the whole family was living in Canada. After the split they all moved to the uk, where mum only stayed for 6 months before taking the kids back to France.

You should both reflect on the fact his kids are so keen to move out of your house.

the least he can do is make sure his kids still have schooling and food!

those poor children.

He's fucked up pretty bad and he's paying the price. 5 children between you was never going to be easy.

Good grief, of course YABU. Their mum died, their dad left them behind to start a new life and family in another country. Of course they’re troubled.

And now you want to haul them out of school, take their stuff off them and leave them penniless?

You’ve managed to get rid of them. The least you can do is accept they need financial support from their father.

I can't believe you think their dad should stop paying for them 😬

Yes, it's right that he pays for his minor children.

It sounds like you’ve successfully driven them away with draconian rules and are trying to his get rid of them completely. So sad when they don’t even have a mum.

Ok so you’ve clarified the circumstances as to why he ended up in a different country to his kids and I can see that was difficult. I don’t think he’s to blame for how it’s ended up but he’s doing what he needs to now and it’s really harsh that you’re expecting him to just cut them off. You’re well out of order OP

Of course he needs to still pay as they are his children, they are at school. It does sound like their dad has been a bit controlling, at 17 having a boyfriend is pretty normal, the trick is knowing when to let them be adults, I certainly let my DD’s boyfriend come around and even stay at 17. They have had the loss of their mum to deal with, a father who couldn’t come to live with them because he had a new family then stricter rules. Of course they couldn’t just slot in with the household you were running, they are older

Yeah I'd be very interested to see what the thread they created about you would say tbh.

Omg what have I just read! What a thoroughly unpleasant person you are. Shame on you, them poor poor kids.

After their mum died, I don't understand why your husband didn't look to slowly build up to them moving over. Even if he had to spend some weeks / months in France initially. You say he couldn't leave you and your joint child but those 2 children had no parent living with them for 3 years.
It's no surprise that they didn't settle in the way you expected them to. Everything seem to be have been on your terms.
For you now to now want to contribute money to them is shocking. I really hope you haven't voice this opinion to your husband.

I hope your DH is in close contact with their school(s) about this and how best he can continue to support them.

Oh but it was ok to abandon his children whose mother died! Step parents often, unfairly, get a bad time on MN but you sound absolutely awful! Those poor children!

YABVU
Of course he should still be financially supporting them. I suspect you've told us a very selective view of their time living with you too.

Wow, aren’t you a gem of a step mother, I ended up with one like you after my mother died. His DC have lost their dear mum, at a young age, poor kids. You and their father should be ashamed of yourselves.

Poor kids.

He said he also won’t be asking them to return any of them items they took.

Of course he won't. He doesn't have a leg to stand on there. You GAVE them stuff as presents so now they OWN those items.

AIBU to think if they want provided for they should live here and if they are happy to no longer live here then we shouldn’t provide for them anymore?

YABU.

Btw, what is it about all these hated stepchildren threads recently always featuring kids from France?

They come over here in their boats, take our jobs, steal our women ...

There is so much wrong with your post it's hard to know were to start.

The hypocrisy, the lack of emotional intelligence, the piss poor parenting....

Yes he should pay and he should also focus on trying to build a relationship with them away from you his step kids and BC.

Neither of you are in a position to influence them or guide them.

And they are both reacting in very typical behaviour patterns for teens who have trauma and poor parental attachment.

They’ve just turned 17, lost one parent at 13, moved recently to a foreign country and now they’re having to doss down in flat shares. Nice.

If I was your DH I’d beg them to come back and perhaps be a bit more understanding and less strict.

Nothing more to say than this really. You sound horrific, sorry to be so personal, but you clearly resent his first family. I never understand women like you. Millions of men in the world and you pick one with baggage, i.e. kids, that you dont want to deal with.

Those poor kids.