Step kids have moved out, DH is still funding them

[Clayless]

Hi, apologies if this gets long.

DH and I have been together 8 years, he is half British, half . He has 2 children, twins who are 17. I have 2 children who are 14 and 12, together we have a 6 year old.

Until last summer DHs children were living in France, for various reasons they have come to live with us and do their last 2 years of school. While in France DH would see them on all their holidays including a long stint with his parents in the summer and he paid for them to attend an international school. Their mother passed away when they were 13, but they continued to live in France with their maternal grandparents as they didn’t want to move and he couldn’t move due to work and our child together.

Anyway when they arrived here we immediately enrolled them in independent schools, we shifted rooms about including having my 14 and 12 year old share as we only have a 5 bedroom house. We were excited to have them and have enjoyed having them live with us.

However, things seemed to take a turn after Christmas, I think they struggled with our more structured approach to parenting vs the more laissez faire style they were used to. Little things like knowing where they were at any given time, no boyfriends/girlfriends in their room. They only turned 17 in the middle of May.

His DD was easier than his DS. She immediately got a part time job saying we didn’t give her enough money and she hated being in the house with us. She works Saturdays and Wednesday evenings in a restaurant. Through this she met a 22 year old lad and they started dating. We said under no circumstances could he stay in her room but on several occasions we’d come home from work to him and her cuddling in her bed. She would also lie to us and say she was sleeping over at a friends but actually be at his.

His DS on the other hand would swear at us, tell us we were controlling etc. He would leave his room a total mess, he refused to do any chores, occasionally skipped school and just generally had no respect.

Now about 5 weeks ago (so still 16). We had taken my children and our little one to see my parents for the day, his 2 didn’t want to come. We got back and everything more or less was gone from his DD’s room. All her clothes, her expensive keyboard we bought, her expensive tennis rackets, books everything. When we asked his DS where she was he said she’d decided to move in with her 22 year old boyfriend. He refused to give an address and said “don’t worry I’ll be out of here soon too”. Eventually we were able to talk to her and she said she would still go to school but she wasn’t coming back to live with us as it was depressing and made her miserable. She kept pointing out she was 16 and could legally move out. We have been able to find out she’s living with her boyfriend in a flat share (seriously doubt the landlord knows she’s there or her age). DH was devastated but has decided not to force it.

2 weeks later his DS moved in with his maternal cousin (sleeping on his sofa) and is refusing to come back too.

DH is insisting he will still pay for their school, and is sending them money for the tube/clothes/food. He said the only thing he won’t be providing for them is money for rent as if they can’t afford that they can always come back here. He said he also won’t be asking them to return any of them items they took.

AIBU to think if they want provided for they should live here and if they are happy to no longer live here then we shouldn’t provide for them anymore?
We are struggling to make everything work financially and it feels like he doesn’t see that our child together and my children are now going without so his kids can through a strop!

Yes, normal ish to be seeing each other...but not fucking living together.

You’re horrible and heartless and I feel so sorry for those poor kids.

This is very simplistic, it is very often much more complicated than that in these situations.

And I am still not seeing why it's on him, she is the one who decided to move.

He could have stopped them, perhaps, but what would the trade off have been? She could have made things miserable for all, she could have accused him of ruining her life, tried to turn the kids against him, who knows. Which would have been terrible of her, but I can see why the father would have thought it was better to allow it rather than cause drama. And many people feel like France is really very close and easy to get to, as easy as within the UK itself, and they would have all had citizenship there anyway so not an issue to travel.

If parents can't agree on a move like this, the one who wants to say legally gets the veto, but in practice it's going to cause a lot of other issues.

I expect if he knew his ex would die he might well have disallowed it.

And they should have been allowed to do anything they wanted in the meantime?

We don't actually know much of what they wanted to do, other than the 16 year old wanted to be having her adult boyfriend overnight, which isn't a great sign that her judgement was sound enough to allow her extra freedoms.

Maybe the OP and her husband had too many rules but why is everyone assuming the kids weren't trying to take the piss, or hadn't been doing the same with the grandparents?

I meant dating, it was in response to previous poster saying it was odd that a 22 year old would be interested in a 17 year old.

The moving in seems to be more about needing somewhere to live than particularly wanting to be living with partner and it sounds like the op made it very difficult for them to spend time together.

I bet the OP had her hand out in relation to funding her kids over the stepkids

That’s insane

He has to keep paying for school and life op, they’re his children. As for all their stuff, you bought it for them so it’s theirs. I get this is hard and hurts and difficult to balance but this seems very sensible of him.

Yabu this is all kinds of messed up. I'd be very worried about them.

Unsure why you don't have more empathy - it's blatantly obvious that they are mourning loss of their mother. Unlikely that they could cognitively understand why their dad didn't come to be with them when she died - as an adult your reasons make logical sense but they won't to a child. All the behaviour- acting like young adults, asserting control, is all an expression of what they had to do i.e. grow up very fast.

I can also completely on a psychological level understand why she would move in with an older boyfriend.

They need support not cutting off - I think you are really pushing the boundaries here and are out of order.

They are bereaved children with an absolutely useless father that prioritised his new family rather than parenting and caring for them.

I was quite open to your plight until you said you would cut them off financially, honestly that is so callous and cruel. Your dh has a legal duty to provide for them. His son is effectively homeless and your answer is to make things worse.

You come across as a horrendous rule driven step parent..I felt depressed reading that and how short a time they've been with you since there mum died and how why can't the lassie take her stuff with her are you nuts. So sad, bet you don't treat your own like this! I can't get rid of my step kids I adore them as much as my own and and they me and all been treat the exact same for years and there's rules and there's controling behaviour. Stop moaning, stop sounding weird or you will lose your own over it aswell

They are two children who lost their mum at 13 and their dad has regularly lived in a different country from them. Of course they are troubled!
It sounds like they've come in, you've put strict rules down and its sent them away. How would you feel if you were one of these kids?
Instead of wanting to support them you're now saying right well if that's you leaving the house we don't support you. I'd get them to move back in and have a long talk about what the rules look like, but giving them some input. They're 17 not 7 but these 2 kids living goodness knows where at 17 makes them so vulnerable, especially the DD shacking up with a grown man.
YAB so U

YABVVU.

Those poor children (and they are still children at 16) have been moved from one country to another 4 times in their short lives, and lived in 4 different households. That alone is enough disruption for any child, and on top of that, they've lost their mother, who was the most stable factor in their short lives.

That's a massive load of stuff for such young people to manage, and it doesn't sound as though they've had much help in dealing with it. When they came to live with you father, they were suddenly expected to lead a much more restricted life than they were used to, on top of being in a new country, a new school, away from all their friends and other family. It's no wonder they've kicked back. I bet that poor girl thinks her 22YO boyfriend is giving her all the love she's missed out on.

To give them half a chance, they need support to finish their education and to establish themselves in whichever country they choose to live in. They need support to deal with all the change, loss and heartache they've been through, too, and a hefty dose of love and compassion would help. That would probably benefit them far more than an expensive school and expensive gifts.

Have them move somewhere cheaper... Give them less money... Ask some serious questions as to why the fuck he hasn't got a job after SIX months....

They aren't adults yet so of course he should ve paying for their school. I absolutely would be worried about your sd, and by this point would have involved the French grandparents who can maybe reason with them better. They've been through a lot and whilst it's still not ok to lie, swear or be disrespectful surely you can understand that they both would need more time from your dh.

On a side note I would have really considered whether it was the right thing to have joint finances when you both have kids of your own or even another child when there were 4 kids in the mix already.

Doesn't mean OP wasn't around then, does it?

Exactly. One of her dc is merely 2 years away from being 16. It must be so distressing for her dh too seeing her behaving like this

22 and 17 is not that odd, 4.5 to 5 years between them, nothing! Girls mature more quickly than men as is well known

It's kind of crazy that you and DH thought moving 2 17 yr olds into your home, with all they have been through and imposing a strict policy completely at odds with how they have so far been raised was going to work at all. Of course a 17 yr old wants the freedom to be intimate with her boyfriend and have her own life/social life. Anyway YABU they are his children and he can't just abandon them again because you are unwilling to be flexible about your parenting style, even given that you have happily allowed 2 grieving kids to be without their dad for years on end. What was he thinking? He needed to insist they came to him, or should have let them stay there until they were adults.

YABU

You and your husband come off very badly in this arrangement. It comes off that you have abandoned two teenagers who lost their mother and you are very resentful of your husband still having normal parental responsibilities for his own minor children.

It comes off as entitled, lacking empathy and extreme selfishness from your DH with your support.

None of those look good on a person. I hope you are reconsidering and not getting defensive and doubling down on your righteousness and resentments towards them.

He needs to do more for them if you ask me, they've lost their mum, they've moved to another country and now they've felt like they have to move out of their dad's all at the age of 17, yabu if you think him giving them money is an issue because that is the LEAST he could do after abandoning them after their mum died, imagine how hurt they feel that he prioritised his new family over them, if I were him I would have been straight over to France to be a parent to them and help them with that transition over to the UK, your children have you, they didn't have their mother or their father and I feel sad for them

Just to add, the things that she took from her room are her belongings- they were given to her, right?

Or do you own all of your children’s belongings and just loan them out to them?

Moving somewhere cheaper…. Not an option for 3 reasons.
They’ve signed a tenancy agreement.
They would need a months rent up front and a month as a deposit
There is nowhere cheaper where we live.

If I give them less money they’ll starve. They’ve already cut back on everything they can.

As for the 6 months to find a job.. there are a few reasons he’s struggling, all valid and he’s doing the best he can.

They can't be that poor... Are they not claiming universal credit? Getting help with their rent?

I'll bet they haven't actually cut back to essentials.

I can't believe he's been applying for multiple jobs every day for 6 months and got nowhere... Perhaps he just isn't trying hard enough?