Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

It is for me. I was 36 with DD, it aged me about a decade in a matter of months. Never again OP!

Really? My children was born via IVF genetically screened and no special needs/learning disabilities etc.

OP, congrats on your relationship. I started IVF at 32 (with my own eggs) and it took years to conceive (it would not have happened naturally for us as we had male issues too)
i suggest you book an appt with a specialist sooner rather than later and go from there.

I found on my mum groups the older mums were fairly chilled as parents, probably because we have financial stability eg no need to return to work, no juggling work and childcare, enough money for school fees, university etc. navigating parenthood is hard no matter your age! My only thoughts are as a seasoned IVF-er it’s not for the faint hearted so before you waste energy on a thread like this go get a fertility mot for both of you’
best of luck!

Go for it..if you feel fit and ready to take on such a change then just do it..all these people saying it's too old probably have no idea what it's like to reach your 40s and not have children..is there an increased risk, very slightly but if its what your heart desires and you feel ready then why not. Yes it's tiring but you know what, I know people in their 50s that are fitter than 20 year olds..you do you xxxxxx

Ignore the people who are saying you are too old, they’re just tying to impose their prejudices on you.

Plenty of people have children at your age. You’ll probably be a better parent now than people ten years younger than you, more experienced in life, financially more stable, etc. You should be perfectly capable of physically handling the challenge when it matters, when they get to mid-teens they are not going to be pestering you to kick a ball in the park, they’ll be doing that with their friends.

Finally, yes there are increased chances of health issues, but they are still vanishingly small.

Not a fair comparison

Have unprotected sex and you'll find out if you're too old or not. If it's meant to be, it will happen. (But be prepared for it not to.)

They actually aren't all that different. The chances of complications in pregnancy and health issues for the child also raise in line with the fathers age. Yet the judgement only really applies to women.

If a woman is able to get pregnant at age 46 (and she may well not be) the chances of complications are higher than if she was younger, but the likelihood is a healthy baby, and until birth control became an option it was perfectly normal for women to continue to have babies into their 40's.

What a heartwarming post. Really lovely that you’ve found that person. I think go for it! ASAP. I had my first at 38, second at almost 42, she’s 9 months now. It’s is a lot and tiring BUT they’re the most amazing thing. And you’ve got financial security and confidence you can pay for help to make life easier. There is a much greater risk of genetic issues. I’d highly recommend a NIPT test, much more accurate than nHS ones. Good luck

Yes, it’s too old.

I think many women are having babies later on now.
Keep yourself healthy look after yourself it sounds like you are in a good relationship with a supportive partner , I dont see a problem with this x

Fucking hell. Your sister was given the gift of life. How awful to be so embarrassed and full of resentment just because she has older parents. Far worse things to be worried about in life.

A physio, at one time working in the maternity unit, we had two ladies in their 50s having their first babies. It all went very well and their husbands were delighted. All best wishes.

My MIL was 44 when she had her last. He’s now 28 and awesome. Such a great kid and wonderful addition to the family despite there being 18 years in-between him and the kid before. Why not get your eggs checked to see what condition they are? If all good why not crack on?

DGM had her last of 5 in 1960 and she was 41. The child was a surprise but was a wonderful addition to the family. Early 40s quite different to late though. Only you can decide but I think you need to be very aware of the risks and how different you will probably feel in the next 5 years with menopause.

I had my daughter naturally at 42/43 she's now approaching her 18th birthday. She has no learning difficulties and she's off to Oxford University this September all being well. If you want one go for it. Anyone can have a child with difficulties at any age. Women have children in their 50's as they are going through the menopause,they cope and you will. Good luck and enjoy the making of your baby!! I did. His birthday,Xmas and all special days came all at once!!

My DD is 42 and going through IVF (fourth attempt). It is not cheap but they didn't conceive naturally. After the second attempt the opted for genetic testing (extra cost of course) and the results were 50:50, but it meant they only implanted viable ones. Fingers crossed for her, please. She didn't meet her DH till she was 39.

Age is largely irrelevant in bringing up a child. Also people are living a lot longer, working longer, taking care of their appearance and health, so an older mum will hardly be noticed.

I know/have known many older women having babies and thought nothing of it, including a primary school friend (64 years ago) whose mum was 55 when she was born - the 7th child!

Go for it. Some of the scare stories are a tad extreme, people can die at any age (my two maternal aunts were 33 and 35), and by age 68 your child will have likely left the nest.

I’m that child: the child of older parents.

I spent my young adulthood - the time when most people get to go to uni, get married, etc., - caring for my elderly parents instead.

It’s unfair to the child. If you are very lucky and catch pregnant within the first few months of trying, you will be 64 years old when the child is turning 18. Unless you’ve got finances set aside for help/care when you are elderly, your newly-adult child will be the one being your caregiver.

And unless longevity runs in your family, your child will lose one - or both - parents while they’re still fairly young themselves. Their own children, if they have them, are unlikely to get to know their grandparents, etc.

It’s a horrible situation because, as the child, you love your parents and WANT to care for them, but it absolutely destroys your life when you are a young adult and your parents are very elderly and need care.

My mother’s brother did even worse than my parents, though - he had a son aged 63. My cousin recently turned 19 and was about to start uni when his father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Guess who is now providing care for his father instead of finishing his education?

It isn’t all just about your advanced maternal age and the risks to both you and baby by getting pregnant at age 46 - you need to consider your age (and your partner’s age) in regards to your child’s life even if they’re born perfectly healthy.

I’m 47 and gave up a few years ago.

My DP and I were just worried about bringing a baby into the world as it is. And although we’ve been together 11.5 years, we’ve both been nervous about having a child. So we’re at a point is where we’ve accepted we’re too late (not to mention tin the medical issues that could be there due to age). And for me personally, I wouldn’t want a child at the age I am as I’m scared I could pass before that child hits 20. But that’s me and my issues and worries.

However, women are still having babies at our age. And if it’s something you really want and think you can provide both emotionally, physically and financially then do what’s right for you.

This was my concern.

Even if I lived longer, I was worried about what financial and emotional responsibilities I’d pass onto my child.

This was my concern.

Even if I lived longer, I was worried about what financial and emotional responsibilities I’d pass onto my child.

I think this is so true. I was super fit when I had my first at 38. Now I have two in young / and mid-teens. But it did trigger a hormonal storm that was really tricky at times - the confluence of the stresses of parenting and the peri-menopause and tiredness. The PP is quite right even if fit and healthy a lot of aging happens in your 50s. And I say this as a pretty high energy person who had a much older dad (in his 60s when I was under 10). I never resented this as he was an amazing father but I did worry about him a lot when I was a child.
Also with my own although I’m a hands on parent - sometimes I just think I’m too tired to be dealing with teenage dramas - even minor ones. No one can explain the levels of exhaustion that kids can induce - it is off the scale. Knowing what I know now about the physical toll and the tiredness I would not go for it at 46. This was also the reason why we never tried for a third.

About 10% chance - DM had a later than average menopause

Younger DH is a helpful factor both for conception and disability

Over 45 considered a ‘high risk’ pregnancy, first pregnancy also more complications (those on 2nd or 3rd pregnancies at this age - you probably shouldn’t compare).

Menopause is probably one of the most challenging and still underestimated life stage, which will likely start shortly after.

Including peri and post it can last up to 20 years and can be a huge struggle with DC. This would be the most off putting issue for me.

What support would you have? Will you also have responsibility for ageing parents?

I was only mid 30s but it’s not just the younger years, with hindsight would choose late 20s to factor in later life changes (them and me).

I would say it's nice to consider it. I am considering 2nd one, but I decided I will only leave it till this year if it happens great, otherwise I will stop. I had my 1st at 38.5 and conceived naturally. He is now 3 and always in movement. It is amazing and tiring, full of ups and downs, but worth it. I just turned 42 and if it happens, I want it this year. But this is me only, who is bothered by my age, hoping I will live till 90, so I will see my child turning some after 40. But it is not a promise, right? My best friend is currently 8 months pregnant, same age, with her 3rd. I think it's possible. But consider all the factors. All the best!

It’s not for anyone else to say whether it’s too old or not, it’s how you and your partner feel. If you’re fit and in good health then there’s no reason not to. However to maximize your chances I would suggest going to a fertility clinic without delay to have your fertility checked. Having regular periods doesn’t equate to producing eggs unfortunately and if you are producing eggs it’s likely they won’t be good quality because of your age. If you are producing eggs then intra-uterine insemination (IUI) where your partners sperm is injected directly into your uterus is probably the best place to start. This will increase your chance of conception compared to sexual intercourse. If it’s not successful after two to three attempts then opt for IVF either with your own eggs, if viable, or consider donor eggs as this will have a much higher success rate than using your own.
I was 45 when I had my child via IVF - was told I had a 1% chance of conceiving and having a live birth - I was able to use my own eggs but it took several attempts which isn’t cheap. However it was the best thing I’ve ever done and I have never regretted it even for one second

It's a little depressing the number of posters who talk about the possibility of having a child with "additional needs" as though it's the greatest tragedy that can befall a person.

That said, I am surprised at how many posters are encouraging the OP to "just have unprotected sex and see what happens". We don't even know how long she has been with her partner or whether they have ever lived together (OP refers them having "homes" not a home) so it seems a bit flippant to tell her to just roll the dice, given that we're talking about bringing a life into the world with someone not booking a holiday!

I don't think 46 is necessarily "too old" to have a baby in the sense that I'm sure many women of that age are perfectly fit and able to care for a child. But I do think, if I'm being honest, it is potentially unfair on the child. I'm at an age where many of my friends and I are having to take on increased responsibility for ageing parents. DH's parents are both 70. Ten years ago they were both fine, 5 years ago they both had some health issues but nothing too concerning. Now, they need a lot of support from us. Personally, I wouldn't want a child of mine to be worrying about looking after me as a young adult. I'd want them to have the freedom to study, travel, do whatever they wanted.

Leaving your age out of it, OP I think it's important to think carefully about how the arrival of a baby changes the dynamic of a relationship. You waited a long time to meet your perfect match by the sound of it, and it's wonderful you've found each other. I couldn't love my DH more but I'd be lying if I said having babies didn't test us. In a way, watching him become a (bloody amazing) Father deepened by love for him. But during the sleep-deprived blur of the baby and toddler years there were times I missed him, it sounds daft but I missed him even when he was sat on the sofa next to me, because we were so exhausted and focused on meeting the needs of small children that there was no time or energy for 'us'. The love was still there, very much so, but fun and romance definitely had to take a back seat! They kids are getting older and we're getting back to ourselves now, we have time and energy for each other again, but it's taken a few years and naturally the kids still come first, and always will. Having waited a long time to find your soulmate, you need to think about whether you're prepared to rock the boat. Actually, not so much rock the boat as completely alter its course for the next 18-20 years.