DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

Did/do you need to do up the house all at once?

I don't think new wardrobes are a priority at this point.

Do you want to save your marriage?

I didn’t think it would be so, so expensive. The costs just went away from us.

Did you get carried away with the refurbishment, OP ? If you did, then I understand his frustration.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I've no advice but wanted to virtually hold your hand for a moment.🙌 I can only assume you forced him into buying this house and it's all your fault 😔 🙄
Yes, I do think the house will have to be sold off.

I didn’t force him to buy this house but it was the few that I liked and our offer was accepted.

Is it too late to back out of some of the work? New beds are nice but I assume that you were sleeping on a bed before you moved into the house. Some things could wait.

Which are you more concerned about, losing the house or your marriage, being perfectly honest?

Interesting that you said "I liked" and not "we liked".
Clearly, there's more here than you're letting on

We’ve spent the money.

@Passa Of course you didn't.
I was being facetious. I was just imagining him telling everyone that it was your idea.

He hasn’t told anyone what has happened; his parents don’t know the actual reason.

Sorry not the point of the thread but I’m struggling to see how you could spend over 100k on those things. Have you been pushing for top end stuff that you can’t afford? There must be a backstory here

”We” or “I”? This is key. Almost doubling your renovation spend is not a minor thing.

Are you saying DH has moved out and wants a divorce?

Why is placing all the blame on you? He should have spoken up at the time and said the house is a money pit.

Are you both paying the mortgage? How long have you been married?

What things have you not spent money on yet? Like on the list of priorities, there are needs and there are wants. Things that are not needed don’t need to be done now. Spending almost double on renovations is massive and can freak one out. He’ll lose money if he sells now so hopefully he’ll see sense and come back home and ride this through but you should also take responsibility and own up to it if you’ve made bad choices with respect to the extra spends. You both find other ways to bring in more money to try and save, etc before taking on the next project (like having kids, etc)

Agree with others that you should have written a priority list with estimates/ quotes and started to work through it while keeping track of what was being spent and how much more you could afford. That should have been done together.

If your relationship hit the name-calling stage, it'll be hard to pull it back. If you acknowledge together where it went wrong, you might be able to salvage something. You need to look at strict budgeting (like Dave Ramsey?) and either live in the house while paying it back or sell and take the financial hit.

Surely you just make a list of essential and can wait. From what was written in OP, technically everything looked like it could go on ‘can wait’ pile. No harm in living in a place for a few years without the kitchen and bathroom if your dreams. If there are no built in wardrobes, just spend pennies on basic rack system from Ike’s to get through a few years. Then, start with list at priority number one and wait until there is spare $ for priority number 2 etc. seems far more sensible than everyone cracking it, getting money out of ISA and splitting up🤔.

If the money is spent why are you at a loss? Because the work isn't completed or it hasn't added the value?

I can see why he would be devastated to lose all investments and savings in one renovation, especially over things like wardrobes and beds. Was it a joint decision?

We waited 3 years to save money before renovation and it still wasn’t enough, it was certainly a stressful time

I can see how it spirals and gets out of control

Yet it’s important to discuss everything, the trade-offs, and many things didn’t get done immediately - we did many things later - curtains, wardrobes, lights, more up to date furniture (yes we had garden stuff borrowed from family to start, mattresses on the floor bed), etc

What has he suggested you do next?

moving house and renovating is stressful. What you have learnt is that your dh walks away when things are tough. Imagine if this was a new baby and he decides he can’t cope with sleepless nights. You need to arrange a meeting to discuss your futures, does he want to split up? Does he want to sell the house? Why is he calling you names ? That’s unacceptable. And why is he blaming you for decisions made jointly? You also need to think about what you want, do you want to stay with a man who treats you like this?

It sounds like there has been a communication breakdown.

OP it does come across that you are being evasive about your role in the overspend., and also that you aren’t really that bothered about him, so long as you have the house you want.

Have you talked about about how the savings will be replaced? Have you told him you understand?
How are you proposing to fix this?

Why is he blaming you?? I don’t have respect for people who run back to their parents when a relationship gets tough, unless ofc there is abuse. He needs to communicate and work this through. I am sorry, how stressful.

What is the relationship like generally?

Do you have children? How are financial responsibilities shared?

I would have a good look at what can be prioritised, whether you split or not, it is vital that costs be reduced. Would sitting down with him and a budget help?

There must be more to this?

Ive renovated multiple houses. Kitchens bathroom re wiring re plumbing back to brick re plaster and it hasn’t come to that much

paint beds and wardrobes aren’t renovations.

is there more to this?