DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

But wait... fuck the house. What about your husband? Your marriage?

Do you love him? Do you want to live your whole life with him, like you planned? Does the thought of life without him break your heart?

Your post is all about the stupid house and it's irrelevant compared to the possibility of the complete breakdown of the relationship with the person that you made vows to. You talk about wardrobes and beds but not about what he's like, what you love about him, what you had planned for your future together.

well, that's a bit pointless since it's all done now!

That would have given me huge pause TBH.

I like to have DH and absolutely on the same page - he's always been the same despite being main wage earner since I had kids.

If you not completely sure about a huge cash outlay - then take the time to get sure - have as many conversations as you need to get sure ask as many questions as you need. As PP say people contanstly try and upsell or bounce you into expensive decisions.

This is not just a you issue - he should have screamed till you listened to what he was saying. Having said all this he need to calm down and you need to sit down and come up with a way forward together - either budgeting with what left and live there or doing it up and selling or selling at a loss.

we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+

I'd be looking at what the 40K overspend is on - is the money gone or can you claw some back?

If it was building works 10% - 6K would be a usual contingency and then some on top - but if it's just a new kitchen and decorating - it sounds like a huge overspend with little of lasting value to show for it.

Like others have said, it feels like there is stuff you aren’t saying and your post is really unclear. At one point you say it’s ‘going to be’ 100k but in an update you said the money had been spent. Which is it? Has the money been spent or not?
If it has- OH needs to take some responsibility for agreeing to it and not saying that you didn’t need the new kitchen or the wardrobes or whatever right now. But from your post it’s difficult to see what your role was in this. He should not have called you names but have you nagged, pleaded or put a lot of pressure on him to agree to things? Or worse, have you spent money or run up debt without him agreeing?

If it hasn’t- then you can still pull this back, cancel jobs you have booked in, prioritise, don’t spend any more just now and concentrate on your marriage if you want to save it.

You sound very blasé about the money, which is probably the issue.

Oh it added up....

You budget, figure out what you can afford to do at once and stick to that. Hold off on some until you recoup. You sound like you just spent and spent with no regard and now your DH has had enough when it's resulted in him have to cash in investments which have since gone up in value and he feels he's lost out.

If you value your relationship I think you should make a plan for how to buy back those shares and get him back his savings.

If that means selling the house then so be it - and even if it takes 5-10 years and means you retraining so you can earn more, make the plan and show it to him.

I don't think he's blameless - but it does sound as though generally you have pushed until he gave in.

My builder BIL has just extended a 2-bed bungalow into a huge 5-bed, 4 bathroom house plus granny annexe, levelled half the garden and built a massive patio with swanky outdoor lighting and put an office in the garden, and the total cost to the customer was under £400k.

Admittedly, it isn't in London, but Tunbridge Wells, which is a pretty expensive area.

I mean, I'm not going to, but the kitchen is from Howdens with an approved fitter (£9k plus £16k fitting with bathrooms/ceilings etc.), sourced all of the bathroom fittings myself online from various suppliers (£1.5k - we reused the old bath and showers), local tradesmen for decorators (£5k), electricians (£4k) etc. and sourcing and building furniture ourselves from Oak Furniture Land, IKEA, DUSK and Dunelm (£7k).

If the money has already been spent, you need to increase YOUR income - work overtime, apply for promotions and higher paying jobs, so you are paying your share of the renovation costs.

Otherwise, pay someone like Wren to put in a budget kitchen, and get your furniture from Argos / Ikea. Roll up your sleeves and do some of the redecorating yourself.

Are renovations the new Mumsnet chicken?
All the halo polishing about sleeping on a broken pallet with no windows before rebuilding a shack into a palace for comparative pennies.

You’ve BOTH been foolish @Passa - the first time your partner wobbled on the costs, you should have both hung back. But you BOTH went ahead. He is still an adult despite his toy throwing and head in the sand now, and did have control over what money he cashed out to pay for the over budget money.

You need to learn to communicate, compromise and be realistic. You’ve clearly been snowballed by designers who saw an easy mark but the first issue was buying a house at the top of your budget whilst also needing tens of thousands of refurbishing.

As to what happens now - you need to pull back any spend not committed. Get a valuation if selling is the only way forward. Look at renting it out if you are in negative equity. And take a very long look at how this man deals with issues you both have responsibility for. That won’t change.

I'd make anyone who is thinking of getting renovations done read this thread, with particular attention to the mention of designers.

My kitchen is 2m x 2m and I had a quote of about £8K excluding appliances from a local design company (I'm nowhere near London) for a refit. I nearly went with this quote, then came across a local man with a van who cost about half that.

The 'consultants' were charging £5K for use of their services, before they bought any fittings or materials.

It took me 9 years to reno my first house, and it was only a 2-up, 2-down terrace.

And I got it all done with my own money, no rich partner to ponce off.

I got carried away with the house and when designers came to visit they added extra I didn’t know we needed and it slowly went out of control.

This is a crucial comment @Passa - what exactly were the extras that your designers said you needed? You sound very gullible, designers are there to sell more stuff to make themselves more money, they will sell you nice to haves and wants to up their payday, What you do is say NO, this is our budget and stick to it. It didn't slowly go out of control it galloped away.

Also @Passa what is your priority here - your husband and marriage or the house? Which is more important to you? Does your husband want a divorce? That is what you should be concentrating on and if he does then yes the house will have to go whether at a loss or not if you cannot afford to take over the commitment.

1. See if there are any savings that can be made. If work hasn’t been started, call the designers and tell them you’re cutting back.
2. Look for another better paid job for yourself or even a second job or overtime.
3. Admit to your husband that you made a mistake and that you’re going to reign the project in, at least for now.

However, if the money has been handed over and nothing can be done about that, then skip to number 2. You’re going to have to help pay for this.

Best of luck.

I feel for both of you. We’re just a few months post major renovations. We got scammed by builders and the costs spiralled out of control. Our original plan was that the house would be absolutely perfect at the end of it, but we eventually accepted that we would have to drop our standards and do some things much later. If I were you I would drop my
standards too, renovations are one of the most stressful things for a marriage.

A 100K on house renovations in under 6mnths is huge. I've been renovating my house for years, I had to stop and start when I could afford it. I don't believe that new beds and wardrobes come under this, even redecorating some rooms can wait. You can buy cheaper/second hand stuff until you can afford the stuff you really want. What sort of designer did you have? I feel like your not being very open about if a lot of this work was urgent or if it was extra stuff you wanted now but could have waited for?

Anyway. You could feel more upset about your marriage? And yes if you can't afford to buy him out or he doesn't want to be married to you anymore it could be sold as an asset in your financial settlement. Whilst he is also responsible for how much has been spent it sounds like he now has huge regrets he can't over.

This. A sensible post at last!

Another sensible post. Glad there's more than one!

So is the house done then?? My larents took 20 years to renovate their huge dooer uper. My sisters been doing hers for 6 so far and not finished.
Why are you doing it all at once with limited funds.
Pull back. Do the work yourself, learn to tile.
People I know that have taken on house renovations have done the majority themselves.
Buy ikea wardrobes or get some temporary ones on face book market place.
Get cheap flooring down so its livable, and do it over a period of years.

Stress getting to him.

Handles it like a little boy (which is the real problem)

I hate these bitchy feminine men who blame substitute mothers (their wives) for their woes, I’d be happy he left.

How can you get into the position of having renovations done that you can't afford? Didn't you get binding quotes? Do the work in stages, kitchen see how much you have left of your budget, then flooring. Decorating you can do yourselves to some extent, wardrobes really?

If the house was really dilapidated and you've done all the necessary work, why isn't it worth more?

I would be concerned that you have been taken advantage of because you seem rather innocent when it comes to renovations. This is not all your fault but your DH spending all his savings and investments on this has obviously really upset him. You need to talk.

Hi OP, I am sorry for the situation you are in but you need to get a better paid job and also a second job, or can you borrow from family. Show your DH that you at least are prepared to make this house work regardless of how the situation arose

Would it be feasible to take in a lodger?

You need to communicate with your DH otherwise you are both going to lose a lot more

and please look @DuckbilledSplatterPuff and @Over40Overdating there is some very good advice there for you

I really feel for you, OP. Years ago, we bought a renovation project house and poured all our savings into it. This was back in 1998, and for £26k we managed to get a new kitchen, breakfast room, fourth bedroom, playroom, study, new windows, and heating. To be fair, the builder was a friend, so we got a good deal.
But what I really wanted to share is that a few years later, we split up. I left the home I had lovingly designed myself and now live in a two-bedroom maisonette. It has a nice, though not fancy, kitchen, the rooms could use a fresh coat of paint, and the bathroom is a bit dated—but it’s mine, and it makes me happy as I have spare money to spend on having fun and enjoying life.
Looking back, the big renovation project brought a lot of stress into our relationship. So if I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to consider scaling back on any non-essential work if possible. Sometimes, spending a lot all at once can put unexpected pressure on a relationship.
If scaling back isn’t an option, maybe once the work is done, get the property revalued. That way, your DH can see that the savings haven’t disappeared—they’ve just been transformed into something tangible and valuable.
Wishing you all the best with your home and your journey 💛

This was my first thought and he doesn’t like the way he’s expected to skint himself to keep up with the Joneses