DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

Too late now, but right at the beginning (preferably before you even bought the house) you needed to divide works in to 1. Immediate ie anything that needs to be done to secure the safety and strucutral integrity of the house. 2. As soon as possible - anything that needs to be done to make the hoise liveable - windows, functional kitchen or bathroom items, essential white goods 3. Cosmetic - everything else.

You then look at the budget and disucss how to fund each phase.

When we bought our flat we knew we did not have the bidget for a complete refurb job, so we only offered in places that had functioning kitchens, bathrooms and heating. Wre lived with the cheap grubby white paintwork, the rotting and frayed hall carpet and the disasterous 80s bathroom with the pipework from hell for 2 - 3 ywars while we saves to do the jobs.

The only thing we did immediately was replace the bath taps that were leaking in to the floor and the bedroom skirting boards as the previous owner had taken them exposing some electrical wiring.

Totally off the thread, but are you on 'next door'?

we always have loads of lawnmowers being given away. People putting diwn hard surfaces (😳🥺) or just paying fir services & want the space back in their sheds/garages.

Has the work been done on the house now ? If not can you cancel anything ? It sounds like you’ve gone a bit overboard really and I’m not surprised he feels upset about cashing in his savings etc. Do you work full time ? If not then you need to increase your hours to restore some savings.

Having a lot of work to do is stressful so it might be that he just needs a break from it all

@Passa

was the kitchen the only actual renovation?

how much was that? His big is it?

hos much did the 'designers' cost you & what did they suggest you do that you didn't realise you needed?

He should have walked earlier as it’s the one thing that’s finally made you realise how unhappy he was with your splurge at the expense of his savings and future plans.

What are you going to do?

Fuck me, how on earth did you manage to go more than 60% over budget? I don't know whether to be impressed or horrified.

I'm not good with money, and given to impulse buying, but no way would I have been party to such a huge overspend. I feel sorry for the bloke, tbh (unless he was fully in the picture and happily agreed to it all, in which case he's got no right to moan).

When the estimates for redoing my bathroom came in higher than I expected, I sourced the tiles, flooring and cabinetry myself, which reduced the costs by around 20-25%. When it was clear I couldn't get the kitchen I wanted for the money available, I got slightly cheaper units and lower spec oven and hob than I would have liked. And when I had the house rewired, I got 4 quotes and then got 10% knocked off the cheapest.

I’m feeling so sorry for your husband @Passa.

I have a friend who has been married for 30 years but nearly lost everything over a £150k extension. They got through and are still together. It would seem a bit pointless to split now that the money has been spent and you've put up with the work. Perhaps you could go to counselling and work things out? He's annoyed about the shares, but they got the work done. Once they're sold thats it. There will be other investments. If you have pressured him to spend more than he was comfortable with, then an apology would be a good start.

Is this in London?

Dirt can be cleaned, dated can be lived with until there are funds to update.

He was the main earner and the house was right at the top of our budget. There is no way I could afford to take over the mortgage

You have been spending money that isn't yours. It does sound as though you bulldozed over him. Now you have to decide whether you want to try to save the marriage. I can't blame him for being really irritated with you.

Ok. You don't buy a house at the very top of your budget that needs £60k of rennovation work. Are you insane?

I’m trying to think of a situation where you get divorced and you don’t have to move out of the house that you can’t afford on your own, but I’m struggling. No children mentioned. Had you come up with any scenarios OP? How might it work? Are you hoping he might somehow be forced to pay for you to stay there and he finds somewhere else?

Sounds like you pressed him to continue when he (rightly) wanted to pause on the spending, and he eventually gave in.

I feel sorry for the bloke, tbh.

Who buys a renovation project, that (pre work) is at the up of thier budget… then tries to do all the work at once, with no contingency ?

There must be a dozen TV shows, on this very topic .. did you not see one of them ?

Then yes, you are going to lose the house unless you can get the marriage back in track.

You really really need to step up here and stop spending other people’s money.

We bought a house that needs doing up but we are doing it slowly a room at a time.i don't think there's any need to spend so much straight away if the house is habitable. Based on what you say I wouldn't say that that would cost 60k. There are lots of opportunities to do up on a budget/buy second hand furniture which you can research with more time

I don't blame him.

It was one of the few houses you liked.
You got in designers.
You overspent on things they suggested.

He feels like a cash cow and is off now before you start a family and more money is going out on designer clothes/prams etc.

You don't talk about missing him or being concerned for your part in this - only about the house.

You really do seem to care more about the house than your marriage falling. I hope he isn't forced to pay for you being able to stay there.

Do you even want to save your marriage. All you are concerned about is the house. Sounds rather like you wanted a lifestyle you thought he could provide rather than wanting him for himself.

They were in a care home, so the house was very dated and dirty

Getting it professionally cleaned doesn’t cost that much in the scheme of things. Dated doesn’t matter, that’s just superficial. Then you could have lived in it doing it up bit by bit as you could afford even if it took several years. Surely, that should have been more important than taking all savings, investment and ruining your marriage over?

Some of my kids have purchased a property. A right dump but great location and structure. They have a 5-7 year plan to do it up saving as they go. They just got it professionally deep cleaned to begin with so you felt you could actually walk in and remain clean😁. They are going to put up with substandard and extremely old kitchen and bathroom, carpet that, while now steam cleaned, looks like it’s going to walk off on it’s own and walls/ceiling that could do with a good paint. Dodgy hot water heater is their first priority to get replaced with something modern and that reliably works, then everything else bit by bit while paying down the mortgage. Because that’s common sense and they have been on the same page with communication and agreement from the get go. I imagine if one went wild and committed a truckload of $$ up front, the other would be well pissed off, and I would understand.

You sound so emotionless. I think he’s better off without you.

You seem more concerned about losing the house than losing your husband.

Surely either the work has been done, therefore increase in value, or work pending and you've just paid deposits?

If he's that much of a high-flyer, didn't he see where the money was going to go?

Didn't you both run a budget?

This makes no sense.