DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

Don’t panic this can be salvaged. When we bought our first home, a renovation project, we had a similar amount left each month. We thought living with decor we hated would be okay but it caused lots of arguments due to the stress of living in a home we didn’t like.

It took us several years to do the house up a room at a time mainly, only hiring tradespeople for jobs we couldn’t do ourselves.

it was hard but we were able to push through as knew we were building a home for our family. It’s paid off.

All of this will be a big shock to the system for you both. Just remember it should be your relationship and what you are building for the future that’s the priority not fancy designers etc. Rome wasn’t built in a day and it’s good to hold some savings back for emergencies. I would get back in touch with your husband and put things right if it’s the relationship you care about.

As you've spent the money is the house finished? Or do you need to spend more to finish off the work?

Have you actually talked to him since he moved out? Do you want to get back with him?

We couldn’t afford wardrobes for the first couple of years so we made do with a couple of rails from a market trader and cheap ikea washing baskets for the stuff in drawers.it wasn’t what i dreamed of but it worked. We had a push lawn mower and awful white patio chairs in the lounge. we made an essentials list spread over 3 years and luxury list to do over 5 years.We started with the kids rooms and didn’t scrimp on them at all so that they had a space to do homework or have friends round.
While we were waiting i cleaned every surface with sugar soap and bleach which made me feel better.
We also held back on the kitchen which was horrible but we had only budgeted for the units worktops and floor.Im not quite sure how we made that mistake but we had to wait a long time to do it as we wanted top range integrated appliances a hot tap drawer inserts etc.
You are where you are and i would start with an apology and see if he’s willing to go to couples counselling.If he does come back you need to have a conversation about budget and stick to it.While we were waiting to get stuff done we used the time to choose what we wanted and get quotes,look at portfolios etc.It was still tough on our marriage.
Good luck which ever way it goes but your marriage needs to be your priority.

As others have said, you seem more bothered about losing the house than the husband. Sounds like you've pushed him into making some very poor financial decisions and he's rightly not happy about it. Who on earth thinks it's a good idea to cash in shares and ISAs for new wardrobes!
You need a grovelling apology and a plan to replenish the savings/investments if you want to keep the DH or the house.

Having read all of OP's posts, I can understand where her husband is coming from (even if his behaviour has been poor).

It sounds like you ran roughshod over the top of him and the result is your marriage has collapsed and you are both going to be significantly impoverished for it. Given that he is a substantially higher earner, hopefully he will recover financially from this in time and have learned a lesson about not allowing oneself to be railroaded into something that you don't want and can't afford.

You are coming in for a lot of flak here OP.

He is an adult. Supposed to be a partner. He cannot blame you for everything. You say he has an important job - He clearly has the ability to speak up. There are two of you in this. Not one. Therefore the "blame" if such it is, is shared.

He wanted a fab house, all done up for him he just didn't want to deal with any difficult decisions or face reality.

What strikes me is when you mentioned that he would agree to something.. Then say no, then agree again.

From my own experience, it is dreadful dealing with someone who does that when you re in the middle of a project...
You can't just stop and start renovations once they've started.. or you'd be left with half a roof.
Nor did he sit down with you and try to work out what could be done to prioritise, cut or defer expenses, how you could save money by doing it yourselves.

Now he's left you with a half done up unaffordable house in what sounds like negative equity and its apparently your job to deal with it all. He won't get involved. Such a childish attitude.

You may have made mistakes (having never done up a house before) but his attitude is pathetic... "someone else sort out my mess for me. Its all her fault."
It also sounds like he sold shares when the market tanked and now rues the day as the market recovered... He should have got better advice and found some way to delay the sale. Only he could have decided to use his ISA and shares to fund the renovations.

I would get two estate agents quotes of what the house is worth now.. and decide what you want to do.
Get some indepdendent advice on how you can reduce the loss.
Do you want to stay on.. continue doing it up bit by bit. As people have suggested, get a lodger? We've taken years to do up our house. There's always more to do, but it is an asset.
but try to work out the immediate priorities and costs for that..What can be done yourself? There are loads of videos onYou Tube to help.. which were'nt available to my generation.

Or do you want to sell up and downsize.
Do you want to stay married or split.

It's very difficult for you when he's not around to discuss this with. But you need to get some support and maybe see a councillor yourself to talk these things through.

That's because if they knew, they'd probably batter him through your outdated serving hatch for cashing in his ISAs and employee shares to fund fecking wardrobes. 🙄

Get the works that are paid for completed and put the house on the market. You are best off not together as I think you may have bulldozed him into all of this and he’s had enough of you and the house. I’d go to my parents too if I was him.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff if the OP said her DH emotionally manipulated her into spending more than they were comfortable with, if they had an agreed budget but he got carried away when he met the designers and spent far more than they agreed he would be classed as abusive and she would be encouraged to LTB. The OP alludes/admits to doing the above and now he has left she seems more concerned with her house than her relationship. That is why she is getting a hard time

You spent £100k on a kitchen and some paint?!

We've just had two new bathrooms, a new w/c, new dining room and fitted kitchen (including having a new false ceiling, and flooring throughout the downstairs), new soft furnishings (beds, sofas, bedside tables, chest of drawers, toy boxes, bookshelves etc.), had the entire house including all of the woodwork and ceilings painted or wallpapered, new light fittings, a new media wall (with a new TV, new fire, new sound bar) and even had new artwork and it's cost us less than £50k!

You've been taken for a mug and I'm not surprised your husband is pissed off.

Also hugely struggling to see how you've spent £100k on what's listed, OP. Have you gone for insane high-end bespoke or something? (but even then ...)

We've just spent £65k on new kitchen, including knocking through two walls, new boot room, new cloakroom, 2x new family bathrooms, flooring and electrics, plastering and decoration for all. We are not London but commuter south east, so still pricey end.

Seems like you have coerced him into hugely overspending. Saying that, he is an adult and he should have been firm about his financial boundaries before it reached this stage. It's hard to know how much you have been pushing beyond his comfort zones and how much you have properly discussed with him.

@passa have you done any building work? Because I would expect a loft conversion or a new extension for that price

we did a loft conversion and as part of thah also carpeted did new wardrobes (bespoke fitted in 3 bedrooms) and a kitchen, recarpeted etc well within your budget

what things did the designers tell you you needed you didn’t know and how did you manipulate him

£100k without any major structural changes is stupid. You could have done a load of the painting/flooring yourself and done it over time so you didn’t need to spend it all in one go!

Wow. Please share your trades and suppliers details. All that for £50k is miraculous.

Counselling. Im guessing he feels bulldozed into the spending you wanted to do.
By the sound sof it you kept adding things etc. You both didn't have the funds for a full refurbishment but you went ahead anyway

It sounds like you've shown zero respect to your husband and what he wants, and more or less bullied him into spending money he didn't want to spend. That's why he's left. You can salvage this but only if you genuinely apologise

Forget about “designers” for starters

Well then it was up to both of you to research this then surely?

But you didn’t need to. It might be you are totally incompatible with money and that’s a deal breaker for him.

We would have loved a new sofa for here when we moved as we had an extra lounge but I brought one off Facebook for £300 rather than the £10 K one we both liked. We would like a summer holiday abroad and had earmarked £15 K for it but there is work needed to do on the garden etc so we have decided to do that instead and plan 5 really nice family days out eg London instead.

It is want versus need versus priority and it is about discussing and agreeing together otherwise you aren’t a partnership.

Do you miss him at all OP? You sound oddly emotionless.

Have you tried apologising? Suggested selling it and giving him back his funds?

Gently op, you sound financially immature and gullible. The designers offered extras, it’s called upselling (similar to waiters offering you more wine in a restaurant). You were free to say yes or no. You were in charge of overseeing your budget. You should have calculated what the extras would do to your budget and calculated how an increase in expenditure would affect your monthly outgoings. Your clueslessness is on you not preparing and budgeting adequately. No one twisted your arm to buy new beds. If you can’t afford something you either skip it or look for a cheaper alternative. Given the work you got done I’m guessing you didn’t not choose cheaper options, because your budget is very high for what you got done. There was no need to have gone over budget.

Bed, wardrobe, paint, floor: you should save for this. NOT sell shares to fund this. These are not things that add value to a house, so all of that is lost money if you sell within a few years. They are also not necessities. They are wants. I get it that a house might need new paint but if you havn’t got the money, you wait and save till you can afford it. And then you prioritise in what order you will do those things and save up for them in turn.

what will happen now: one of you will have to buy out the other. If neither of you can afford that, it will have to be sold. The loss will be debt you’ll have to share and pay off in the coming time.

Your rather vague explanation of your DH's reaction and his feelings is very telling. As an outsider it very much seems that you manipulated him into his house purchase and also pushed for those excessive renovations. I am not surprised he is pissed off.

How THE FUCK does it cost £100k to buy
A new kitchen
Wardrobes
Beds
Flooring
Paint?

Unless they were rebuilding your kitchen or you've replaced carpet with solid gold tiles, I'm utterly gobsmacked that you've spent so much.

And it's unlikely that you have recouped that much if you were to sell, in effect you're in negative equity.

I'd go mental if my dp agreed to spend that much on a kitchen, furniture, flooring and paint. I can understand why he's left tbh. You've got wildly different attitudes to money and spent WAAAAAAAAY beyond your means on unnecessary upgrades.

This post is spot on.....I really can't get my head around your op....no mention of children etc...do you work full time.....how long you have been married....as some others have mentioned....more worried about the house than your marriage...true fully it could be the end!!! You are both at fault really......sell up and live within you means...either together...with communication...or alone

So you emotionally manipulated and railroaded your husband into getting everything you wanted! Your posts are very YOU YOU YOU, You made him cash in his ISA's Share's and overspent your budget by 60%. You're financially irresponisble and with someone elses money/retirment fund. You sound very selfish, all you care about in this senario is the frigging house, your husband is stressed and in debt, What happens if he loses his job? You're both screwed with no way to pay for the house. Honestly some people baffle me with their stupidity. I'm definetly on your husbands side.