DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

This doesn’t make sense. Why would he walk away from something he has sunk his life saving into?

It does sound like you went overboard with non essential expenditure and I would be interested to hear his side of it.

Had you been looking at perfect homes posted by show-offs on Instagram and bullied him into the spends, OP?

Maybe this house is a lot larger than yours, maybe it needed more extensive work doing. Maybe prices are much higher where OP lives. Perhaps some walls needed knocking down. Just because your renovation was cheaper doesn’t mean there’s more to this (assume you’re suggesting something else has gone on).

I got carried away with the house and when designers came to visit they added extra I didn’t know we needed and it slowly went out of control.

Speaking as someone who has lived through a few renovations, including living with bare floor board, no heating and no beds for months on end, I feel there must be more to this. Surely people sit down and plan to a budget? We are still using several bits ofsecond hand furniture we bought 40 years ago. Nobody needs everything new.

So basically you signed up to far more than you had originally agreed between you because you got carried away. Did you not think to ask him first before spending all this extra

So it sounds like you need to sit down. And explain that you are sorry this budget got away like it did, and that you'll work with him cooperatively to rebuild his ISA etc.
Do you work? Do you have savings that you contributed? Does he feel this was one sided?

Did you not discuss with him before spending the money? I can see how that would be a problem.

Your predecessors managed with the current kitchen. Delay the big jobs and do the painting yourself.

If you overspent without his agreement, you're going to have to put this right. Maximise your income - pay rise, second job, whatever you can do.

He's moved out because he's had enough. He probably doesn't want to work his whole life to support someone else's whims. I expect he's cutting his losses.

They were in a care home, so the house was very dated and dirty.

I work but he earns much, much more than me and with the new mortgage payments and expenses, we won’t be in a position to save anything other than £200-£300 per month.

Did he keep saying no and you just went ahead?

Did he agree to all this spending? I very much doubt it was necessary to spend 100k all at once 😬

Your OP says a lot. You describe the situation but the only question you pose is will you have to sell the house. Not "what can I do to save my marriage", not "this came out of the blue and I don't know why he left", but if you'll lose money on the house. Yikes.

He became more and more upset as the shares he sold went up in value. If his investment tanked this wouldn’t have been an issue.

We had rented before, so didn’t have much of a clue about renovations and the costs of works.

You've skirted the question. When you were talking to these designers and they were coming up with numbers much bigger than planned, did he agree to the overspend? Or was he trying to rein it back?

If the money has gone, make the place livable, leave him at his parents and get a lodger. Make a budget and a repayment plan over a couple of years. You may well end up divorcing anyway and the value of the house will settle and you can sell up.

How much was he involved in the decisions?

You say this was one of the only houses you liked...did you have unrealistic expectations for what you could afford and vetoed things for silly reasons?

Same as "I got carried away"...was he involved in the designs and decisions or does it feel a bit like you have spent his life savings on something he wasn't that bothered about and he'd have rather done cheaper/waited and done the work bit by bit?

He agreed, then wanted to stop and then agreed. He was all over the place to be honest. He own says, he didn’t want to deal with my emotional manipulation and just went with the flow.

Tbh this does sound as though it’s on you and you’ve just ploughed through his life’s savings regardless
designers , new beds,and wardrobe’s aren’t essentials
I’m puzzled why he didn’t rein you in or did you just spend and then leave him to foot the bill

Reading your update sounds like he didn’t want grief of you if he said no and went for the path of least resistance rather than standing up for himself

in all honesty what would you of been like if he said no and you had to live in the house as is
dated/dirty is fine a good clean and you can still live with it

On those occasions when he said "stop", how did you react?

That doesn’t really answer the question.

It honestly sounds like you just bulldozed ahead and ignored him.

How did agree stop agree go?

How much over and for what exactly?

I think may be about lack of agency - not having a say and things happening around him

so the real question is did you emotionally manipulate him?