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AIBU?

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Original poster

Surprise guest. Should we say something?

135 replies

breakdown98765 · 01/06/2025 23:48

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2025 23:51

Next time they invite you ask if Steve is going to be there, if they say yes then politely decline, they'll get the message.

PullTheBricksDown · 01/06/2025 23:52

Maybe they invite you because Steve's already coming and it'll dilute him?

Say 'oh, it's your turn to come to us this time!' Then they can't just bring him. You'd hope.

Kitkatcatflap · 01/06/2025 23:54

It may be easier for you to invite them to yours. That's what I would do

JDM625 · 02/06/2025 00:04

TomatoSandwiches · 01/06/2025 23:51

Next time they invite you ask if Steve is going to be there, if they say yes then politely decline, they'll get the message.

This ^

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

HeyWiggle · 02/06/2025 00:15

Time to have a separate girls night and a separate boys night.

latetothefisting · 02/06/2025 00:24

It's hard to say because it depends on how rude he is. If he just hogs the conversation and is a bit boring that's different to him specifically insulting you or being sexist or racist or whatever.

It's common in many social situations of bigger groups to have someone you wouldnt choose to be friends with or who even actively annoys you - chances are there'll be at least one work colleague or person in a hobby group or whatever. If you went around saying "ill only come to your party if x isn't there" or "I refuse to work with Bob on this project" or whatever it probably wouldn't end well.

However most people's free time is limited and thus important to them - if he's not just a bit annoying but literally ruins the evening to the point you'd rather not go than be there with him then I wouldn't put yourself through it. It sounds like it's harder if there's just the 5 of you there, at least if it was a bigger group you could dilute him!

Saying that the "it's a funny atmosphere having him there because it's no longer a couples thing" does make you sound like a smug married. If it's Steve personally you don't like that's one thing, but you're pretty much suggesting single people should only socialise with one another and not be invited to "couples" things. What kind of stuff do you get up to that having 5 or 7 people there would make it more awkward than having 4 or 6?

How would you feel if your dh died and nit only were you missing him but your friends also stopped inviting you anywhere because your presence now ruins the atmosphere?

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 00:30

It not being ‘a couples thing’ and Steve being awful are two entirely separate issues.

whackamole666 · 02/06/2025 00:30

Poor Steve, he sounds a bit of a bore. However I don't think you can check if he's going then decline if they've invited him. That's really shitty.

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

shipofools · 02/06/2025 01:01

Perhaps they kill two birds with one stone by inviting Steve and you at the same time? In other words, they are not quite as keen on your company as you are theirs.

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/06/2025 01:13

God, there’s a school dad like this. Can’t let anyone else have a conversation without barging in with a load of completely unrelated paranoid ranting about how everyone is out to get him. Will sit there at a kids’ birthday picnic in a park telling all the assembled guests how he makes his 8 year old DS come to his therapy sessions because ‘it’s important for boys to see their fathers cry’.

People like this need psychiatric intervention, not social inclusion at dinner parties.

Invite these people over minus Steve.

DontReplyIWillLie · 02/06/2025 01:41

It’s difficult when we don’t like a friend’s friend. It can feel like a rejection of their choices. But ultimately you have nothing in common with this man other than a mutual friend. There’s no reason why you should get along.

I accidentally ended up on holiday with a FOF I really don’t like. I made up my mind that I’d be honest next time and say I didn’t want to go with this person, even if it meant I was the one missing out. Thankfully I think my friends picked up on this without my having to say anything, as she hasn’t been invited with us since - or maybe she doesn’t like me any more than I like her, as they’ve been on a trip with her separately recently.

I think you need to be honest. It might not be pleasant, but it’s better than dreading the thought of Steve turning up, to the point that you’re turning down invitations just in case.

RawBloomers · 02/06/2025 02:20

shipofools · 02/06/2025 01:01

Perhaps they kill two birds with one stone by inviting Steve and you at the same time? In other words, they are not quite as keen on your company as you are theirs.

What is the point of this comment other than to have a sly dig at OP implying she’s not good company? There’s nothing OP can do it about it if they lie to people and invite them round when they don’t actually like them.

nomas · 02/06/2025 03:05

whackamole666 · 02/06/2025 00:30

Poor Steve, he sounds a bit of a bore. However I don't think you can check if he's going then decline if they've invited him. That's really shitty.

Why is it shitty? Why do they need to endure an evening with him, especially as presumably when OP invites then, she doesn’t invite someone they dislike.

DeSoleil · 02/06/2025 03:22

If you’re such good friends why can’t you talk about it?

’Why is Steve there every time you invite us round? He just goes on and on with his pity party …’

BluePyjamas123 · 02/06/2025 03:33

Invite them around but also invite the most narcissistic and rude associate that you have in your life. Do it every time they are invited. Put that shoe firmly on the other foot.

rivalsbinge · 02/06/2025 03:52

We used to have similar with our friends MIL we would arrange days out or evenings and we’re great friends with this couple but we’d turn up and there she was. It was like having a judgy parent, she was a busy body so you spent the evening watching what you said and leaving early.

I just used to outright ask if MIL was coming and say actually no thanks and ended up saying we’d rather just spend time with them. They even had her come on holidays etc

They divorced a while back and part of the issue was MIL being in the house almost 24/7 she even had her own room, besides the fact she had a partner and her own house.

BeanQuisine · 02/06/2025 03:55

Kitkatcatflap · 01/06/2025 23:54

It may be easier for you to invite them to yours. That's what I would do

They might bring Steve.

echt · 02/06/2025 04:17

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 00:30

It not being ‘a couples thing’ and Steve being awful are two entirely separate issues.

The OP says that over and above Steve's being a colossal bore: To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing.

echt · 02/06/2025 04:19

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

This has been my experience too. And that of a widowed friend.

TravelPanic · 02/06/2025 04:19

I would be honest. “Can I just check if Steve’s coming too? Afraid we don’t really get on with him, so will pass if he’s also joining”.

BluePyjamas123 · 02/06/2025 04:31

Bring a date for Steve next time? Someone you obviously don’t like!

MummoMa · 02/06/2025 04:34

"So Steve, what good things are happening in your life?" Can really switch things around.

Catinthereallysmallhat · 02/06/2025 05:04

Are they in a throuple? I haven’t read the thread yet but this is weird. WTF they bringing an extra guest? No. Steve is a grown man, depression or no depression he can look after himself. Also most people that are depressed avoid company never mind coming to a strangers house uninvited. Tell your friends to stop inviting Steve. Explain he isn’t your friend. If they don’t understand don’t invite them round or bin them. They need to know boundaries.

Ignore what I said. I read this as they brought him round to yours 😂 but also tell them to stop inviting him, you want alone time with them he isn’t your friend. Other option stop going round had invite them, just them to yours.

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