Page 5 | Surprise guest. Should we say something?

saraclara · 02/06/2025 14:49

DontReplyIWillLie · 02/06/2025 14:23

It does indeed suck that some people’s “friends” have pulled back because they’ve been widowed or have become single. It’s a crappy way to treat people.

But OP doesn’t want to ditch Steve as a friend because he’s become single. She never wanted him as a friend in the first place, regardless of his marital status. She shouldn’t feel obliged to “take him on” out of a sense of pity. And who wants to be invited somewhere out of obligation?

I get that. But part of her reason for resenting him being there was because he ruined the couple vibe. It might not have been the main reason for her resenting his presence, but I think we're entitled to pick her up on that part of her post, even if we're in agreement that he sounds irritating

RawBloomers · 02/06/2025 14:52

shipofools · 02/06/2025 09:23

It's not a sly dig - it's an alternate viewpoint to consider. For some reason, they are only inviting the OP and her DH along with this difficult annoying personage.

Perhaps they imagined it went well the first time, and so now it see it as a trio to invite who will be thrilled to see each other.

Perhaps they, as I suggested, are not as excited to see OP and husband on their own, for whatever reason.

I have zero idea of OP's skills at dinner parties!

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If you didn't intend it as a sly dig I can only suggest you look more carefully at how you communicate because the tone of your post is a sneering "maybe you aren't so great yourself".

You also haven't said what the point of the comment was. OP can't do anything about hosts who pretend to like her and invite her to dinner. She has no way to find out if your what you are suggesting here is true and it gives her no ideas for how to try and get herself out of the situation.

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 14:53

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 14:48

Maybe they’re a throuple?

Indeed. Maybe Standoffish Steve is a Stallion in the Sack.

(And look, I just wrote my first Take A Break-style headline.)

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/06/2025 15:17

OMG do you mean he's "one of them"?
Single. Not in a couple. A social pariah.

ByTicklishGreenEagle · 02/06/2025 15:23

HeyWiggle · 02/06/2025 00:15

Time to have a separate girls night and a separate boys night.

Great so partner has 'to deal' with him lol???
Reminds me what was told my DP was like before we met.....pain in the butt but..everyone needs friends.....tbh 'steve' sounds like he needs one ( good friend )

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 16:59

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 14:53

Indeed. Maybe Standoffish Steve is a Stallion in the Sack.

(And look, I just wrote my first Take A Break-style headline.)

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😁

Damn the funny emoji being removed.

Original poster

breakdown98765 · 02/06/2025 17:16

I think my annoyance is that we don’t get a heads up that Steve is going to be invited.

DF: What are you all up to on Friday?
Me: Nothing important. What’s the plan?
DF: Come over when you both finish work and we can get takeaway?
Me: Grand, I’ll bring the wine…

The idea of takeaway, wine and good company gets me through the slog of the end of the week and then bam, it’s miserable monologue Steve. I used the wrong wording before, it doesn’t change the vibe because it’s no longer a couple thing, it changes the vibe because Steve’s presence is like a lead weight. He takes over conversation to rant/overshare and everyone else peels away until you’re stuck hearing his woes whilst the others have a laugh in the other room/conversation.

I’m 90% sure that we’re used as the buffer. The first couple of times it happened I presumed he had just randomly popped by/had too much to drink… just has 3am conversations at 3pm with zero drink involved.

They're definitely not a throuple.

OP posts:

nomas · 02/06/2025 17:21

Next time you see them ask your friend ‘Is Steve always like that?’ . That should start off a convo on why they keep inviting him.

And next time she invites you, ask if Steve will be there and if she says yes, say that you’ll give it a pass this time and see them another time.

Crole · 02/06/2025 17:47

breakdown98765 · 01/06/2025 23:48

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

Nah, life's too short for socialising with people like that. They might like him, which is great for them, but you have no obligation to sit and listen to his misery, especially when there's no interest in you both.

Agree with what other people have said, double check that it's just you next time. If you're close enough with your friends, ask them explicitly not to plan evening with all of you in the future because you don't glue.

OneNavySheep · 02/06/2025 20:24

.

DontReplyIWillLie · 02/06/2025 22:07

DF: What are you all up to on Friday?
Me: Nothing important. What’s the plan?
DF: Come over when you both finish work and we can get takeaway?
Me: Grand, I’ll bring the wine…

The idea of takeaway, wine and good company gets me through the slog of the end of the week and then bam, it’s miserable monologue Steve.

Next time say “Great - I’m really looking forward to seeing you both. It’s been so long since it’s been just the four of us.”

They’d have to have either feet of clay or balls of steel to invite Steve after that.

VoltaireMittyDream · 03/06/2025 00:46

But why do they invite Steve in the first place? Or do you think he just invites himself (as these types tend to do) and won’t take a hint or take no for an answer?

EleanorReally · 03/06/2025 06:37

does one of the work with Steve?

CoffeeCantata · 03/06/2025 06:55

The idea of takeaway, wine and good company gets me through the slog of the end of the week and then bam, it’s miserable monologue Steve. I used the wrong wording before, it doesn’t change the vibe because it’s no longer a couple thing, it changes the vibe because Steve’s presence is like a lead weight. He takes over conversation to rant/overshare and everyone else peels away until you’re stuck hearing his woes whilst the others have a laugh in the other room/conversation.

I get it, OP. It certainly didn't come over to me that you were in any way suggesting that Steve is unwelcome (to you) because he's single - don't know why pps have projected that!

Yes, I bet they're using you both as a buffer - to soak up the awfulness of Steve. I've had this kind of thing because I used to be a pushover and was always the person caught in a corner with someone like Steve while everyone else has a great time. I've learned to be tougher. I'm never rude but I don't suffer extreme bores for more than 5 mins now - I expect other people to pull their weight and pass them on to someone else.

shipofools · 03/06/2025 08:58

RawBloomers · 02/06/2025 14:52

If you didn't intend it as a sly dig I can only suggest you look more carefully at how you communicate because the tone of your post is a sneering "maybe you aren't so great yourself".

You also haven't said what the point of the comment was. OP can't do anything about hosts who pretend to like her and invite her to dinner. She has no way to find out if your what you are suggesting here is true and it gives her no ideas for how to try and get herself out of the situation.

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Might I suggest you rein in your rage. You're a fine one to talk about tone - which you have entirely misread.

Haven't noticed a single suggestion for OP from you, meanwhile. In fact, your only contributions to this thread are directed - with tremendous and inexplicable hostility - to me. A stranger on the internet.

KimberleyClark · 03/06/2025 09:13

Anyone else been reminded of this?

Surprise guest. Should we say something?

RawBloomers · 03/06/2025 17:22

shipofools · 03/06/2025 08:58

Might I suggest you rein in your rage. You're a fine one to talk about tone - which you have entirely misread.

Haven't noticed a single suggestion for OP from you, meanwhile. In fact, your only contributions to this thread are directed - with tremendous and inexplicable hostility - to me. A stranger on the internet.

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A stranger on the Internet taking a snide pop at the OP. Part of what has made AIBU so much less than it used to be.

DontReplyIWillLie · 03/06/2025 17:51

shipofools · 03/06/2025 08:58

Might I suggest you rein in your rage. You're a fine one to talk about tone - which you have entirely misread.

Haven't noticed a single suggestion for OP from you, meanwhile. In fact, your only contributions to this thread are directed - with tremendous and inexplicable hostility - to me. A stranger on the internet.

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Do you think “rage” might be just the tiniest bit hyperbolic?

ButteredRadish · 03/06/2025 17:56

saraclara · 02/06/2025 00:34

To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

I'm widowed. My social life is a shadow of what it used to be because of couples like you. It sucks more than I can say.

Same! 🤍

Hoppinggreen · 03/06/2025 18:11

EveSix · 02/06/2025 00:09

I've never been one for understanding specifically 'doing things' as a couple with other couples. Simply do not get the appeal.

If Steve is such hard work, your coupley friends would go right up in my estimation, as I'd admire their kindness and insistence on inclusivity. Not in a million years would I expect them to ditch a friend who is clearly struggling for the sake of me getting to feel 'chosen'. Make an effort to get real with Steve instead as he clearly means a great deal to your friends. Meet him where he's at? Not everyone is socially slick and polished. If you feel he's actually being rude, as opposed to simply awkward or abrupt, why not name it: "Hey Steve, it seems we've got off to a wrong start. Perhaps I've upset you ‐could you say what's bothering you so we can have a go at understanding each other better?"

Why?
What possible advantage is there to OP in this?

TonTonMacoute · 03/06/2025 18:17

breakdown98765 · 02/06/2025 17:16

I think my annoyance is that we don’t get a heads up that Steve is going to be invited.

DF: What are you all up to on Friday?
Me: Nothing important. What’s the plan?
DF: Come over when you both finish work and we can get takeaway?
Me: Grand, I’ll bring the wine…

The idea of takeaway, wine and good company gets me through the slog of the end of the week and then bam, it’s miserable monologue Steve. I used the wrong wording before, it doesn’t change the vibe because it’s no longer a couple thing, it changes the vibe because Steve’s presence is like a lead weight. He takes over conversation to rant/overshare and everyone else peels away until you’re stuck hearing his woes whilst the others have a laugh in the other room/conversation.

I’m 90% sure that we’re used as the buffer. The first couple of times it happened I presumed he had just randomly popped by/had too much to drink… just has 3am conversations at 3pm with zero drink involved.

They're definitely not a throuple.

DF: What are you all up to on Friday?
Me: Nothing important. What’s the plan?
DF: Come over when you both finish work and we can get takeaway?
Me: I don't want to sound unkind, but will Steve be there? It's been a tiring week and I'm not sure I could cope with him and his problems.

See what they say!

EveSix · 03/06/2025 19:42

@Hoppinggreen I think I imagined the advantage to the OP to be that she might, if reevaluating the premise upon which she was engaging with Steve, come to understand why it is that her friends find him such good company. I rarely dislike my friends' friends as there is usually some interesting commonality or shared interest, so I figured that, given a bit of time, curiosity and good will, Steve's virtues might shine through to enrich OP's life as they clearly do her friends'. I think I'd ask my friends about their history with Steve, and get them to spell out what it is about him that they find so compelling as they clearly rate his company as highly as they do mine.

SilkCottonTree · 03/06/2025 20:08

EveSix · 03/06/2025 19:42

@Hoppinggreen I think I imagined the advantage to the OP to be that she might, if reevaluating the premise upon which she was engaging with Steve, come to understand why it is that her friends find him such good company. I rarely dislike my friends' friends as there is usually some interesting commonality or shared interest, so I figured that, given a bit of time, curiosity and good will, Steve's virtues might shine through to enrich OP's life as they clearly do her friends'. I think I'd ask my friends about their history with Steve, and get them to spell out what it is about him that they find so compelling as they clearly rate his company as highly as they do mine.

The OP just wants to spend time with her chosen friends. What you are suggesting sounds exhausting at the end of the week where she just wants to switch off with a takeaway and a bottle of wine with her like minded friends. Great you are so interested in your friend’s friends, but not everyone has the bandwidth for that.

Also I didn’t get the impression that the OP was desperately looking for more people to ‘enrich’ her life. What you are suggesting is the OP putting this random man’s feelings and comfort above her own but why on earth should she feel compelled to do this?

shipofools · 04/06/2025 01:54

DontReplyIWillLie · 03/06/2025 17:51

Do you think “rage” might be just the tiniest bit hyperbolic?

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No. What I do find odd is the insistence my comments are about "taking a pop" or being "snide" to the OP. Here is my initial post:

Perhaps they kill two birds with one stone by inviting Steve and you at the same time? In other words, they are not quite as keen on your company as you are theirs.

There are a handful of reasons why OP is being invited with the ghastly Steve. In no particular order:

-the hosts are desperate for a buffer for Steve, and wrongly assumed OP was fine with his company/enjoyed their chats
-the hosts are unaware Steve is a tosser
-the hosts only invite three people in the world to dinner, and that is OP and husband plus Steve
-the hosts have plenty of other of guests, but all the rest have made it clear they can't stand Steve
-the hosts are desperate for a buffer for Steve, and don't really care if OP is uncomfortable as someone has to do it

It seems unlikely they are completely unware of Steve's problem traits. Inviting him along with the OP to my mind shows a lack of consideration, therefore they don't really care if it's not ideal for her as they place their own concerns first.

At no point have I suggested OP is poor company, or taken snide potshots at her. Having been in a somewhat similar situation, I concluded my comfort was low on my hosts' list of preferences.

Dangermoo · 04/06/2025 02:04

Let me guess, Steve has a dry sense of sarcasm humour. if he is there when you arrive, in future, just cut the visit short or enquire beforehand, of his presence.