Surprise guest. Should we say something?

[breakdown98765]

We became good friends with a couple, a couple of years ago. However a few times we’ve been invited over, they have also had their other mate over. We’ll call him Steve.

One hand I feel bad as it’s evident that Steve doesn’t have many friends or family in the nearby area. I’ve also got my suspicions that he’s either depressed or got depressive tendencies.

But on the over hand, I find Steve incredibly hard work socially, as he’s quite rude/standoffish or just talks about himself (how hard he’s had things in the past).. Any conversation he’ll turn it around to a monologue, unless you try to make conversation and you get a sarcastic reply.

The thing is, is when we’re invited over, we get the impression it’s just going to be us. To me it is a funny atmosphere by having Steve there as it’s no longer a couple a thing

Should I mention something to my friend or just put up with potentially being Steve there?

To all the people saying how their social life has taken a hit since being widowed, I'm very sorry for your losses 💐 but this thread is not about you.

The OP does not suggest anywhere that Steve is widowed, only that he doesn't have a lot of friends or family in the area. The fact that he is hard work and the fact that he doesn't have a lot of friends are not unrelated!

Let's imagine for a moment that instead of inviting Steve to these meet ups, the OP's friends were inviting another couple that the OP and her husband didn't really like. The responses would be completely different. People would be saying, pretty much unanimously, "Ask them whether Steve and Susie will be there, and if the answer is yes, explain that Steve and Susie aren't really your cup of tea and suggest meeting up separately."

The fact that Steve is single is really not the OP and her husband's problem. It would still not be their problem even if Steve had been widowed or divorced. It would of course be lovely of Steve's friends to ensure that they still see Steve and that he is not excluded from social events just because he no longer has a partner. But this would be something for Steve's actual friends to do, not his friends' friends. The fact that this couple are inviting Steve round when the OP and her husband are there, rather than just inviting Steve round on his own, suggests that they also find Steve hard work and are using the OP and her husband to dilute the Steve effect.

From OP’s posts, it sounds like it’s the host couple, the OP & partner and Steve.
Why would you invite Steve in that scenario when he’s clearly a difficult guest and doesn’t appear to have anything in common with OP? That to me is weird and Steve is the gooseberry. It doesn’t sound remotely thoughtful or kind to include him.

If the party couple want to include ‘awkward Steve’, why don’t they invite a few more friends who are not couples and have a bigger event?

Conversely, I’ve invited my widowed friend C to a meal at ours with one other couple, but that’s because friend C is really into gardening and my couple friends are also heavily into gardening and won awards for their garden. DH is interested in gardening to an extent and I have zero interest in gardening and only want to sit out in it. Friend C had a lovely evening and now has two new friends who share her passion.

Just pondering... imagine the couple invite OP and DP to the cinema. Is it acceptable to say "what film are you planning on watching? Sorry, DP hates horror films, but we'd love to see x or y which are both still on and we'd love to see if you do"? IMHO, yes, very much.

Why is the identity of other attendees different? If it was a massive party it would be hugely inappropriate to say "can I see the 200 person guest list before I answer", but "I'd love to come, but not if my ex-husband is invited, sorry!"

But a very small gathering / dinner is completely different.

It's not a sly dig - it's an alternate viewpoint to consider. For some reason, they are only inviting the OP and her DH along with this difficult annoying personage.

Perhaps they imagined it went well the first time, and so now it see it as a trio to invite who will be thrilled to see each other.

Perhaps they, as I suggested, are not as excited to see OP and husband on their own, for whatever reason.

I have zero idea of OP's skills at dinner parties!

Perhaps they imagined it went well the first time, and so now it see it as a trio to invite who will be thrilled to see each other.

Which is precisely why OP should say something, before it becomes the default.

Yes, because this would make so much more sense than simply not inviting the OP and her husband round for dinner if they don't enjoy their company.

I think YABU to think it has to be a “couples thing” if any couples are going to be there, as it’s incredibly excluding of single people to have that mindset.

YANBU not to want Steve there every time though. If he’s rude, then I can understand not wanting his company! I would ask them to stop inviting you together with Steve as you don’t really like his company.

I have never been in this scenario, but in theory I could imagine knowing a couple who I quite like, but am not really bothered whether I ever see again. At the same time my partner has a long-standing friend who is a bit of a pain in the bum, but we feel sorry for him and he is a good friend to DP one-on-one. We end up inviting the couple around primarily to dilute the long-standing friend.

Not saying that is what is happening, but it is not completely implausible.

Well, you can ask if he's going to be there. You can also politely decline an invitation if you don't want to go.

This said, YABU when it comes to 'couples only' evenings and your obvious intolerance of mental health issues.

Oh I think it sounds very likely that they are inviting the OP and her husband to dilute Steve.

But that's not really on if the OP and her husband don't enjoy Steve's company. And they should be upfront about it.

I am sorry to hear this. I found the same when I left my abusive ex.

No its not shitty.

Not everyone gets along, and if you're an insufferable bore, a belligerant ass, or a racist bigot, people wont like you.

It's not everyone elses responsibility to make sure you're included, its your responsibility to make sure you're not an insufferable bore, a belligerant ass, or a racist bigot....

Self awareness.

I have an accidental friend. She went to college with one of my favourite friends and over the years we seem to have become a threesome, but to be honest I don’t particularly enjoy her company. She’s immature, self involved and very temperamental, I wish I’d said something 10 years ago.
I struggle to hangout with my friend alone, as she gets jealous and takes it very personally.
Back away now, say something or just keep declining invites but inviting them to yours or out.

To the people who say be kind… Life’s too short to voluntarily spend time with obnoxious strangers, obviously don’t be unkind, but also avoid interaction.

I agree totally with this

“OMG It’s Christmas Eve not Christmas Steve!”

I totally read this in Julia from Motherland’s voice! 😄

Really want to change my username to Christmas Steve now ☺️

Invite them to you or meet in a pub trouble is they’ll probably rock up with Steve 😩

no dont!they probably will bring him also

Not a chance I wouldn't say something.

I would thank them for the invitation, tell them you really enjoy THEIR company. Ask is Steve coming?..., because he simply isn't someone you wish to spend time with. Tell them you perfectly understand if they wish to meet up some other time.

Leave the ball clearly in their court.
Not one chance I would spend an evening tolerating a pain in the arse....for anyone.

I could never do this! Even if I wanted to. Poor Steve!

This. As a PP said OPs friends have gone up in my estimation. For whatever reason the friends don’t want to leave him out. You could always invite the couple over to yours as a couple.

We do, and luckily there’s never been any conversation about bringing Steve!

It does indeed suck that some people’s “friends” have pulled back because they’ve been widowed or have become single. It’s a crappy way to treat people.

But OP doesn’t want to ditch Steve as a friend because he’s become single. She never wanted him as a friend in the first place, regardless of his marital status. She shouldn’t feel obliged to “take him on” out of a sense of pity. And who wants to be invited somewhere out of obligation?

I've been in the position of having to tolerate someone socially whose only topic of conversation was themselves and their specific interests. No amount of re-direction could divert them and, having heard about, let's say, WW2 tanks for several hours, you do lose the will to live. So I don't think it is unreasonable to say that you would prefer to meet without Steve, though it is a bit narrow minded to only want to meet other couples.

Maybe they’re a throuple?